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"Monday? I told you to f*ck off last week."
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“I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.”
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“Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”
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“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch…I call it lunch.”
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“I am instantly 70% nicer after 3 pm on Friday.”
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:) “This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long?”
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“I don’t have ducks in a row.

I have squirrels….and they’re everywhere.”
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“I asked God to make me a better man.
He sent me my wife.”

(This is so true!)
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I’m not arguing.

I’m just explaining why I’m right.
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If you see me talking to myself, just move along.

I’m self-employed.

We’re having a staff meeting.
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"Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 5."
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:) "Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
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:) "I'm a nurse because even doctors need heroes."
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:) "I try not to think. It interferes with being nuts."
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:) Haha, Bundle of Joy. And I like your dog joke.

Poodle
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Dog:

This homework looks hard. Do you want me to eat it?
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"No I haven't seen your pills...But have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
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"If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember...No one loves you on the other days of the year either."
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"Things I have in common with a raccoon. Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, I will fight you, possibly rabid."
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"Have a nice day"?

Don't tell me what to do!
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"People are making jokes about the apocalypse


Like there's no tomorrow."
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:) “Enjoy your Sunday!…If you feel like doing some work, sit down and…wait until the feeling goes away.”
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“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.”
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“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I need would’ve thought of that!”
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“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
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“Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to.”
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“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting 3 dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only 2 of them.”
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:) “Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
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:) “One day I’ll do amazing things. Today I’ll be satisfied if I don’t spill food on my lap.”
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“My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.”
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