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“When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my facebook status just to freak people out. ‘Hey, who knew they’d have wifi up here?’”
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Doctor writing:

Cause of death:

“Patient laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died.”
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“Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.”
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:) “A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like here, let me hold that syrup for you, in these convenient boxes.”
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:) “The more I get to know people…The more I realize why Noah only let animals board the ark.”
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:) “Your wit makes others witty.”
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“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for 5 years.”
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“The idea is to die young as late as possible.”
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“Smart has the plans, stupid has the stories.”
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“If you can’t be smart or funny, be brief.”
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:) “Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it”
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"Due to a huge misunderstanding about the concept of adulthood, I will be hiding under the covers until further notice. Send snacks."
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"I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today."
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"Life is like an ice cream. Enjoy it before it melts."
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"When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown. But it takes only 4 muscles to extend your arm & smack them in the face."
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"My room was clean. But then, I had to decide what to wear."
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TNtechie: Edit - No joke - I am losing it! This was supposed to say ...... "90 Day Fiance" *and* all the MANY spinoffs. I watched one of them for all of two minutes and that was enough of a time waste.
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TNtechie: Right- that's from "90 Day Fiance" all the MANY spinoffs.
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“A thief broke into my house last night…He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.”
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“I saw a spider in my bathtub, so I got a piece of tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.”
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“I hate being bipolar. It’s awesome!”
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“If you’re lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won’t feel like you’re lonely anymore.”
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“Please note that I am self-employed. So if you see me on my own, talking to myself please do not disturb cos I am having a staff meeting.”
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“You look like trouble. Call me.”
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“Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d go up to a back teller with a mask on asking for money.”
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:) “Ok. I’m here. What are your other two wishes?”
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“I was taught to think before I act. So if I punch you, rest assured I’ve thought about it and am confident in my decision.”
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“I don’t care what people think about me…at least mosquitoes find me attractive.”
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“I don’t run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like all other adults.”
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:) “When I count my blessings, I count you twice.”
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