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“You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says, ‘After 300 feet, stop and let me out!’”
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“If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.”
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:) “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
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“Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you.”
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“You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.”
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“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it!”
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;) “Ironing boards are surf boards that quit before achieving their dream. Don’t be an ironing board.”
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:) “I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.”
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“Spring is here. I’m so excited I wet my plants.”
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cwillie, you made me laugh :).
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An old, blind soldier wanders into a women only bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very husky voice the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The soldier thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Sometimes I think I'm up a canoe without a paddle.
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:) "You only live once. You might as well be a badass."
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:) "Kill your enemies with kindness. Name your car kindness."
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"Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control."
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"HARDEST job ever: working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self-control needed."
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:) “If you don’t fit in, then you’re probably doing the right thing.”
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:) “Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.”
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:) “Don’t trip over what’s behind you.”
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“Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit send.”
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“Teenager (noun). Someone who is ready for the zombie apocalypse, but not ready for the math test tomorrow.”
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“The ‘killing them with kindness’ is taking way longer than I expected.”
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“When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, I’ve heard a baseball bat is quite effective.”
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“Once upon a time I was hungry and that’s what happened to your chocolate.”
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:) “Sometimes my mind wanders off to a happy place where I’m allowed to punch people in the throat, and there are cute puppies and free cake.”
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:) “I have a ton of excitement in my life. I used to call it stress, but I feel much better now that I call it excitement.”
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“When I said I was normal I might have exaggerated slightly.”
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“If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.”
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:) “I do all my stunts, but never intentionally.”
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Mosquito:
Excited about spring? LOL, me too bro.
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