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"Dear God, Was the flying cockroach absolutely necessary?"
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"Dear God, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn't give me much else to work with."
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"Karma takes too long, so I'm just gonna beat the crap out of you now."
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"If you don't have anything nice to say you're probably pretty fun to be around."
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"Dear Lord, Please don't let my husband be home when all my online orders arrive. - Amen."
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“If you’re really a mean person, you’re going to come back as a fly and eat poop.”
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"First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me."
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"There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing."
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:) “Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.”
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=====================================

            Minutes of Meeting
____________________________________________

My dad hasn't let his age slow him down one bit.
In fact, he recently appointed three new directors 
to the board: Al Symer, C. Nile, and D. Mensher.
The existing members, Arthur Rytus (who has been
with us for many years), and the Greek ex-pat now 
living in Australia, (Oz) Theo Perosis, welcomed 
them to the team. All applauded our Chairman, 
the decorated hero, General D. Klein, who has 
overseen most innovations within the company 
since its formation in the early eighties.

Duly signed and sealed, on behalf of the bored...

=====================================
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"20% health goddess. 80% cookie monster."
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"Whatever your problem is, the answer is not in the fridge."
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Pulling into the gas station, the pump was blocked by a car that had flipped over on it's side.

Apparently from a seizure over gas prices. 😵🙃
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Looking up my car's value on Kelly Blue Book....
One of the parameters were asked: "Is your gas tank full or empty?".

$5.99 / gallon and rising....

Have you seen the announcements about a new VW mini-bus coming in 2024? People are already upset that it doesn't come painted with flowers and a peace sign.
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At some point in life it is important to stop arguing with others and just let them be wrong.
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:) "At least I'm a fun hot mess. Like a train wreck full of pizza, fireworks and glitter."
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I'm so glad i made you laugh, beatty :) :).

hugs!!
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Bundle, I don't DARE read that "I haven't spoken to my wife in years.. " to my DH. You would hear him roar with laughter from wherever you are!

Thanks for the chuckles 😁
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“Don’t mess with me. I know karate, judo, kung fu, and 28 other dangerous words.”
(5)
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“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
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"It's called karma. And it's pronounced ha - ha - ha - ha."
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“I have not yet begun to procrastinate.”
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Did the vicuna like Lleonard?
"Of course, he's my cousin,"
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One from someone who rarely jokes:
What did the llama's cousin say to him about taking a vacation?
Alpaca my bags.
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“Excuse me, which level of hell is this?”
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“My hairstyle today is called ‘I tried’.”
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An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are all trying to watch a street performer juggle knives. Unfortunately, it's such a busy day in the city, there are too many other people around to see clearly. Luckily, the juggler notices their plight and decides to climb onto a higher platform so the four men can see. As he balances a knife on his nose, he asks, "Can you see me now?" The four men reply one after the other, "Yes!" "Oui!" "Si!" "Ja!"
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"Welcome to Monday. In preparation for take-off, please ensure all negative attitudes are stowed."
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"Freak out and cry a little."
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:) "Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down."
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