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:) "That's enough todaying for today. I'm done."
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"Can we start the weekend again? I wasn't ready..."
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"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I am dead."
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"It's like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking about them."
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"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."
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"Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?"
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"What the heck is up with 'fun-size' candy? There is nothing fun about less candy."
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"No, I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you."
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"I'm sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud?"
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"Someday you'll go far. I hope you stay there."
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"Dear Lord, please grant me the ability to punch people over the Internet."
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:) “I’ve mastered the art of bouncing back.”
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“I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f*ck.”
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;) “The best way to be beautiful is to choose your parents well.”
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:) “There is real honor in being a total goofball.”
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;) “Mistakes are the price of an interesting life.”
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“Vegetarians! Stop eating my food’s food!”
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“Why was the cook arrested? He was beating an egg.”
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:) “Bacon. Admit it. For a second there, all your problems went away.”
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“If by ‘crunches’ you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, then yes I do crunches.”
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“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
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:) “I hate when I go to the kitchen for food and all I find are ingredients.”
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“I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.”
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“How to sleep faster: decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.”
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:) "I'm the kind of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream."
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"I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days but whatever."
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"I already want to take a nap tomorrow."
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:) "The suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts."
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:) "Sometimes you just need to lay on the couch and read for a couple of years."
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"I wish the first word I ever said was the word 'quote', so right before I die I could say, 'unquote.'"
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