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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG thank you, what are they?
(5)
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they're tenants.
(6)
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Being a middle aged woman is just like being a teen aged boy
because you suddenly get acne
just as your moustache is coming in
(5)
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🥰
Of course your opinion matters!
Just not to me.
(4)
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List of things I was right about:

1.
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

I had a colonoscopy.

But my doctor described it to me as,
an all-day single camera shoot.
(2)
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A police officer asks a suspect his D.O.B.

Suspect: What's that?

Officer: Your birthday.

Suspect: May 5th.

Officer: What year?

Suspect: Every year dude!
(3)
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🥰
Valentine’s Day (noun)

Single’s Awareness Day
(3)
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😉
Can’t wait to receive nothing on Valentine’s Day.
(3)
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My wife was stung by a bee on her forehead. She is at the emergency room now. Her face is all bruised and swollen, she almost died. Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
(8)
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stand-up comedian:

I remember a tough time for me. I was 10 years old. My parents were getting divorced. They told me I have to choose who I want to live with.

I said, “Dad! I want to live with dad!”

It was heart-breaking. My mother said, “Ok whatever you want.”

My dad just said, “I don’t want to get divorced anymore.”
(4)
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🥰😉🌸🌸🌸😉🥰
Valentine’s Day:
the day flowers find out which house they’ll die in.
(3)
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…So the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says:

”Can you make me one with everything?”
(3)
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😉
The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time… unlike, say, a brain surgeon.
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

I feel like if you give a dog a gun, he’ll be like, “Cool. I’ll use it if I need it.”

If you give a cat a gun, he’ll be like, “Already have one. I told you, I need more BULLETS.”
(2)
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I don’t need a valentine.

I need $8 million and a fast metabolism.
(4)
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hi everyone!! it’s allllmost valentine’s day!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰

🌸🌸🌸🌸
here’s my new favorite joke:

You had me at “hello”.

Then I realized you were talking on the phone, and things got awkward.
(3)
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😉
Eat pasta
Fun fasta
(1)
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🙂
A waist
is a terrible thing
to mind.
(2)
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😉
One good thing about music,
when it hits you,
you feel no pain.
(1)
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😉
My favorite thing about Monday
is when it's over.
(3)
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😉
Love means having to say you're sorry
every 15 minutes.
(2)
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⭐️🌸⭐️🌸⭐️
The best things in life are
fried.
(3)
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⭐️🌸⭐️🌸⭐️
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today. We removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change.
(5)
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🙂 I’m pretty sure I had a good time last night…

Let me finish reading the police report and I’ll let you know.
(6)
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Stand-up comedian:

Cop pulled over my grandma.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Grandma: I AM NOT A MIND-READER! …I was speeding because I was running late for a meeting, Sir! And now I’m never gonna get there on time. Ya happy?!
(2)
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Michael: You lost your father at an early age, didn’t you?

Jack: No…no, no.

Michael (confused)

Jack: My father died.
Michael, if we lost him, we would have sent people out to find him. We knew he was gone.
(2)
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The little poodle on the couch says:
"I'm not talking to you right now" "Because you have a double standard."
"You say that I cannot eat the whole bag of treats right now, all at once."


"But, but....you are sitting right next to me here on the couch",
"Eating the whole bag of chips at once."

"That's just....not fair...um...um...uh...it's just illegal."
(6)
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😉😍
Do you want a man to be in love with you forever and ever and ever and ever?

Don’t talk to him.
(2)
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🥰
Did you know that women need at least 5 hugs a day to maintain their health?
(2)
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