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"If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it's located."
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"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one."
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"Good moms let you lick the beaters...Great moms turn them off fist."
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“I’m in a good place right now. Not emotionally. I’m just at the liquor store.”
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;) “Well, aren’t you a little ray of pitch black.”
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:) “I don’t know how to flirt, I’m going to stare at you until you marry me.”
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:) “Questions to ask on a first date: Are you a normal ice-cream cone licker or one of those people who bites right into it like some kind of animal?”
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"Keep your friends close, and your snacks closer."
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"I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason."
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Snaccident
(noun.)

Eating a family-sized bar of chocolate -- completely by mistake.
:)
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*17 minutes into diet*


I can't live like this.
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"What if one day Google got deleted and we could not google what happened to Google?"
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"I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious."
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“If breathing didn’t come naturally, lazy people wouldn’t even exist.”
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“A cop pulled me over and said, ‘Papers’, so I said, ‘Scissors, I win!’ and drove off.”
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:) “You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
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“My goal for 2022 is to accomplish the goals of 2021 which I should have done in 2020 because I made a promise in 2019 which I planned on keeping back in 2018.”
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:) "Keep smiling and one day life will get tired of upsetting you."
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"When I die, I want my tombstone to offer free wifi, just so people will visit more often."
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:) “Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and didn’t notice.”
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:) “Smile! Tomorrow will be worse.”
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:) "Dear problems, give me some discount. I am your regular customer."
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:) "Best friends listen to what you don't say."
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That one never gets old Send!
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This crossed my desk today.

"I had eggs for breakfast".
"Scrambled?".
"No, Cadbury"
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“Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you?

Laundry.

Laundry will always be there for you.”
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Elderly man to his elderly wife:

I’m getting so old that all my friends in heaven will think I didn’t make it.
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A man was dining with an elderly couple was very impressed by the man's terms of endearment to his wife. He said things like, "Thank you, my sweet," "Please, my dear," or "Okay, my beloved."
When the wife went to the kitchen to get dessert, the man turned to his friend. "George, after all these years, it's very touching that you speak so lovingly to your wife.
The old man sighed and shook his head slowly, "It's not that Peter. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I forgot her name years ago."
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"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
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"That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there's actually somebody inside."
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