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My favorite blonde joke. I'm blonde so I can tell it.

A blonde goes to the doctor because she hasn't been feeling well.
Tests are done and the doctor enters the room with news that she's pregnant!
The blonde is beyond shocked and replies, "Oh my gosh! Is it mine??" :D
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I'm at a point in my life as a care giver, going to the dentist, is my idea of a great spa treatment day. They think it's funny. I'm serious! : )
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My goal last year was to lose 10 lbs, I only have 14 to go.

If you have a senior moment and can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where running errands counts as an outing.

I see stories about people my age climbing mountains, I feel good about getting my leg into my pants without losing my balance

so.... if a cow doesn't produce milk is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
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i love motivational quotes. :)

today, i saw some funny demotivational quotes.
don't take it seriously. it's just some funny quotes.

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“You can have results or excuses. Excuses it is.”

“The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”

“The best way to lose weight is to only eat inspirational quotes.”

“Welcome to adulthood. I hope you like Ibuprofen.”

“Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.”

“There is no problem so big you can’t run away from it.”

“Be yourself. No one else wants to be you.”

“Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed.”

“If your phone battery lasts all day, it’s because no one likes you.”

“There are two types of people in the world and I hate both of them.”

“Ninety-five percent of conversations are an unbelievable waste of time.”

“People are really great as long as you don’t get to know them.”

“You are a background character in a much more interesting person’s story.”
 
"Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment."
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Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you make the final copy.
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My grandma started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 67 now, and we don't know where she is.
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What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka


What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway
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How do you get your grandma to swear?
When someone else's grandma yells Bingo!
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Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!
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What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids!

What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake

Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
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So my SO and I are watching a movie when I hear a text come in on my phone. Realizing I've left it in the kitchen I get up to check it out and I see it's from my SO:
since you're up please grab some chips and drinks...
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Doctor! Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!

Take it easy, you'll just have to be a little patient.
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"What happened to you Mr. Smith? You look awful."
"Well doc, you told me to take this medicine for three days, then
to skip a day. All that skipping wore me out!"
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A little girl gets to go to her first wedding and she asks her mom why the bride is wearing white.

Her moms days, because white is the color for happiness and today is the happiest day of her life.

The little girl thinks a moment and says, then why is the groom wearing black?
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Why are frogs so happy?


They eat whatever bugs them!
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I just got a new job last week as the top dog at ole' MacDonald's farm!!


I'm the new C-I-E-I-O
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?


Beef jerky!
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GA, u r welcome. So glad they gave you a chuckle.
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Isthisrealyreal, I enjoyed your jokes!  They're cute and to the point. 

Thanks for posting  sometime ago, and providing a nice Sat. morning respite of humor.
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Why is the mushroom always invited to parties?


He's a fungi!
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What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?



Frostbite!
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Why can't you trust duck doctors?




Because they're all quacks!
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How can you tell the tree is a dogwood?



By the bark!
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What do you call a sleeping bull?


A bulldozer!
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Send: OMGosh! Too funny! You made my day!
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I heard llamas are going to bring about the end of the world.
It’s going to be Alpaca-lyptic.

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.
It was just the alpaca lips.
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The 1972 movie Soylent Green portrayed what we could be eating in 2022.
Here it is already, the year 2022, and the smart Canadians have already banned Soylent!
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from Calvin & Hobbes (you know, the comic strip with the tiger (Hobbes) and the boy (Calvin))...

i think very relevant for us:

Hobbes:
What are you mad at ME for?!

Calvin:
Get away from me! I don't even want to talk to you!

Hobbes:
YOU broke your beanie motor, not ME! I didn't do anything!

Calvin:
You distracted me!

Hobbes:
I did not! I was just sitting here! You broke it all by yourself!

Calvin:
*sniff*
*sniffle*
...All right...I know...
But considering my life's in shambles right now, couldn't you at least take the blame?
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You know they are developing a new wine for older men?


It's called Pino More!
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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?



Reality!
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