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I'm not buying a 2022 calendar...

until I see the trailer.
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?

Pop!
(2)
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At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds...

...Only 15 more to go!
(3)
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Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?

To start off the new year in a cool way.
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Why do the birds fly south for New Year's Eve?

It's too far to walk.
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Not to brag, but I already have a date on New Year’s Eve.

It’s December 31st.
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What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?

He got 12 months!
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Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve?

Times Square.
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An iphone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.
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Two female friends having tea. Talking.

One says:

“My New Year’s Resolution is to stop putting my foot in my mouth all the time…I’ll bet yours is losing weight, huh?”
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Husband to wife:

“Remember how much fun we had that night we slept under the stars? We may get to spend our whole retirement doing that.”
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Man uses the phone. Hears:

“If you’re calling to say you love me, press 1. If you’re calling to say you miss me, press 2. If you’re calling to ask what’s for dinner, press 3 on the microwave.”
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Two female friends having tea. Talking.

One says:

“My husband and I used to share a toothbrush. Now we have trouble sharing a planet.”
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Husband to wife:

“Here’s our new retirement plan - at age 65, we’ll get divorced then marry other people who planned better.”
(1)
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Man giving his date a box of chocolates:

“These have 50% fewer calories than other chocolates. I ate half of them.”
(1)
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Father to 17 year-old son:

“Your mother and I need more time to save for your college education. We’d like you to go back to Kindergarten and start over.”
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it’s time for jokes again :).

A man makes it to heaven.
His life report is read to him:

“…and you spent 6.35 years of your life deleting spam from your email.”
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A little boy was watching a woman breast feed her baby, large breast fully exposed.

Little boy: Wow! All that meat and no potatoes!
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Santa, frustrated face, returns to his house, throwing a present into a pile of presents in a box.

The box says:

for Waldo.
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Mother and son outside in the snow.

Mother points downwards at the snowman:

“Timmy!!! That’s - not - where the carrot goes!”
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Man reading a letter:

…if you have already sent us your payment, please accept our apology for the death threat and warm wishes for the holiday season.
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Fortune teller looking into her crystal ball. A turkey came to see her.

Fortune teller:

“The good news is, you’ll be spending Thanksgiving with a large group of happy people.”
(2)
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Santa with a back ache, at the doctor’s.

Doctor:

“The next time you lift someone’s spirits, lift with your LEGS, not your BACK.”
(2)
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Woman typing on computer:

I’m very busy this time of year, so I’ll keep my Holiday Newsletter brief.

My family is much happier and more successful than yours, so you should be very jealous.

Season’s greetings.
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"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive."
C. S. Lewis
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Doctor to patient:

“Keep Xmas in your heart all year long. It will leave less room for cholesterol.”
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Doctor to patient:

“It’s not a rash, it’s moss. You need to start being more active than a tree.”
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Child lying in bed, speaking to his mother after a bedtime story:

“You say ‘itsy-bitsy spider, but Daddy says ‘eensie-weensie’ spider. You should have discussed this kind of thing before you decided to have children.”
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Woman lying on the couch.

Therapist says:

“You’re allowed one small carry-on, but each additional piece of emotional luggage is an extra $10.”
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Man lying on the couch, saying to the therapist:

“I’m hoping someone will steal my identity. I’m tired of taking responsibility for my own life!”
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