I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
“I may not be a perfect husband, but remember I’m an unpaid volunteer.”
“I am writing you a prescription: be happy and feel great three times daily.”
“I have no idea why he calls us those weird names…My name is Bob!”
They're looking at the chart on the doctor's wall:
HO
HO HO
HA HA HA
HEH HEH HEH HEH
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
Doctor:
"Excellent! And now the bottom line."
Sorry we missed you! -- The Cable Company.
Santa: "The - one day - I'm out!"
Xmas stocking says:
"I'm telling you, there's nothing worse than being stuffed with candy and hung on a mantel."
A snowflake lying down on the couch.
Another snowflake with spectacles, sitting on a chair:
"I'm not sure it's realistic to expect to find someone exactly like you."
A therapist's office.
A Xmas tree is lying down on the couch:
"Turns out all those gifts weren't for me."
Romantic night out at a restaurant.
Santa Claus:
“I read the wine list.
Checked it out twice.
Gonna find out if
The Pinot Noir’s nice.”
Mrs. Claus:
“Turn it off, honey.”
“Sour cream? You were supposed to get cream cheese! What ever happened to checking twice?”
Man: What are you doing here?
Piece: Driving someone crazy right about now.
Rudolph, looking sad.
Santa Claus reading a report card:
History…..F
Math……...A
English…..A
Science….A
Depth perception.
"Thank you, Sir, for giving me the opportunity to guide your sleigh...You are truly a most generous, thoughtful, kind and beautiful human being."
[Contrary to popular belief, Santa's favorite was actually a brown-nosed reindeer.]
Santa Clause at his computer, typing:
Santa's Cookie Reviews
--Jenny's House
home-made! ***** (5 stars)
--Danielle's House
off-brand! **
--Emma and Noah's House
stale! *
--Monty's House
had a bite missing! *
"Since facebook & twitter, it's a lot easier to know if they've been bad or good..."
Santa Claus (dressed in normal clothes) at Overeaters Anonymous:
"It's always the same...I'm good for 364 straight days, then in - one night - I binge on a hundred million servings of cookies and milk..."
"I’m not sure which comedian it is, but one of them has a line of unanswerable questions that goes like this:
Why do we say that something is out of whack? What is whack? When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the sky you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint… you have to touch it to be sure?"
Mrs. Claus to the therapist:
"Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!"
They wrap.
Santa Claws!
Santa Jaws!
Santa Paws!
Santa walking backwards!
Sh, it's on the house.
It's Christmas, Eve!
1. you believe in Santa Claus
2. you don't believe in Santa Claus
3. you are Santa Claus
4. you look like Santa Claus
(in case you're wondering, pre-xmas hugs are similar to xmas hugs, but pre-xmas hugs are bigger than xmas hugs).
ok...my last joke for the day:
"Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk! Michael."
"OK! Yes! I went to my ex-girlfriend's house last night! It's my job!"