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Husband looking at his wife:

“I may not be a perfect husband, but remember I’m an unpaid volunteer.”
(1)
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Doctor to patient:

“I am writing you a prescription: be happy and feel great three times daily.”
(0)
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One reindeer to another:

“I have no idea why he calls us those weird names…My name is Bob!”
(1)
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Santa Claus with the eye doctor.
They're looking at the chart on the doctor's wall:

HO
HO HO
HA HA HA
HEH HEH HEH HEH
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE

Doctor:

"Excellent! And now the bottom line."
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Santa sees the sign hung on his front door:

Sorry we missed you! -- The Cable Company.

Santa: "The - one day - I'm out!"
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A piñata and a Xmas stocking (filled with candy and chocolate) are having a beer at a bar.

Xmas stocking says:
"I'm telling you, there's nothing worse than being stuffed with candy and hung on a mantel."
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Therapist's office.

A snowflake lying down on the couch.
Another snowflake with spectacles, sitting on a chair:

"I'm not sure it's realistic to expect to find someone exactly like you."
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After Xmas.

A therapist's office.
A Xmas tree is lying down on the couch:

"Turns out all those gifts weren't for me."
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Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus.
Romantic night out at a restaurant.

Santa Claus:
“I read the wine list.
Checked it out twice.
Gonna find out if
The Pinot Noir’s nice.”

Mrs. Claus:
“Turn it off, honey.”
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Mrs. Claus to Santa Claus:

“Sour cream? You were supposed to get cream cheese! What ever happened to checking twice?”
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Man and a piece from a puzzle, are having a beer at a bar.

Man: What are you doing here?

Piece: Driving someone crazy right about now.
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[Rudolph the red-nosed-reindeer goes down in history.]

Rudolph, looking sad.
Santa Claus reading a report card:

History…..F
Math……...A
English…..A
Science….A
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What's the difference between a brown noser and a sh!t head?















Depth perception.
(2)
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A reindeer, down on his knees, kissing Santa Claus's hand:

"Thank you, Sir, for giving me the opportunity to guide your sleigh...You are truly a most generous, thoughtful, kind and beautiful human being."


[Contrary to popular belief, Santa's favorite was actually a brown-nosed reindeer.]
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The day after Christmas.

Santa Clause at his computer, typing:

Santa's Cookie Reviews

--Jenny's House
home-made! ***** (5 stars)
--Danielle's House
off-brand! **
--Emma and Noah's House
stale! *
--Monty's House
had a bite missing! *
(1)
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Santa Claus scrolling through his computer:

"Since facebook & twitter, it's a lot easier to know if they've been bad or good..."
(1)
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:) it's time for another joke

Santa Claus (dressed in normal clothes) at Overeaters Anonymous:

"It's always the same...I'm good for 364 straight days, then in - one night - I binge on a hundred million servings of cookies and milk..."
(1)
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Some questions are unanswerable.

"I’m not sure which comedian it is, but one of them has a line of unanswerable questions that goes like this:

Why do we say that something is out of whack? What is whack? When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the sky you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint… you have to touch it to be sure?"
(4)
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Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus at therapy.

Mrs. Claus to the therapist:

"Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!"
(3)
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What do gangster elves do for a living?

They wrap.
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What is Santa's cat's name?

Santa Claws!
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Who delivers presents to sharks?

Santa Jaws!
(3)
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Who delivers presents to pets?

Santa Paws!
(3)
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What wears a red suit, and goes, "Oh, oh, oh?"

Santa walking backwards!
(2)
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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

Sh, it's on the house.
(3)
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What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!
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the 4 stages of life:

1. you believe in Santa Claus
2. you don't believe in Santa Claus
3. you are Santa Claus
4. you look like Santa Claus
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Advice to new cowboy about to relieve himself: ‘Good idea to take your spurs off before you squat.’
(4)
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pre-xmas hugs from me to everyone!! :)
(in case you're wondering, pre-xmas hugs are similar to xmas hugs, but pre-xmas hugs are bigger than xmas hugs).

ok...my last joke for the day:

"Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk! Michael."
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Santa Claus to Mrs. Claus:

"OK! Yes! I went to my ex-girlfriend's house last night! It's my job!"
(4)
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