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Surgery room.
Chainsaw is turned on.

Patient wakes up, sweating.

Doctor says, "Easy, Mr. Gundersen. We just fire it up to check if the anesthesia has you fully asleep yet."
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"Doctor, can you prescribe something to stop me from sleepwalking?"

"No, you need the exercise!"
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Doctor to patient:

“At your age, good health is pretty much a thing of the past. My advice is, find an illness you enjoy.”
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Procrastination Therapy Clinic

“Mr. Swanson, our session ended 15 minutes ago, will you please leave?…”

“I know, just give me a minute!”
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“Got my girlfriend a ‘get better soon’ card. She isn’t sick, I just think she can get better.”
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Marriage counselor to a couple:

“Yes I remember suggesting that you never go to bed angry. However two years is a long time to go without sleep.”
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and then God created Saturn.

and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
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When taking that family gathering holiday photograph, put the boyfriend at the end, in case you may need to cut him out later.

Well, I hope that is not the case, ever.

But if you have been dating for over a year, and you are not engaged by Christmas........💍
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pre-xmas hugs, everyone! :)
i hope you're all getting into the xmas spirit!! :) :) :)

--
here's another joke.
i actually already posted this joke inside one of my replies to a question, within a comment, of a reply, to an answer of a question. so you might have missed it.

here it is:

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. However, before I let you go, I'm going to ask you to do one thing."

"Anything, Your Honor," the hunter replies. "What is it?"

The judge says, "It's been illegal to kill a protected species for many years, so very few people have ever eaten a bald eagle. For the record, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?"

The hunter thinks for a moment and then replies, "It tastes pretty good. Kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a condor."
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The Grinch was arrested this morning for trying to steal the joy out of Christmas. There is a fundme page collecting money for bail.
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haha Sendhelp :).

hugs.
wishing us all an amazing soon xmas 2021!! :) :) :)

---

:)
here, some of my jokes for the day:

why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

because every play has a cast.

---

someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

i still don't know how i feel about that.

---

showers are great. they make you feel nice & clean, you sound like a professional singer & they also help you make all of life's decisions.
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Right, Bundle of Joy...how could ALL the reindeer be female?

There was one, crying in the corner because all the other reindeer made fun of the red nose. Likely from drinking too much. Santa's favorite, you can ride up front. You can pull my sleigh. But needing all the females to tell him the way,
taking up the slack, "turn here, go there, stop here!". "It's time to go, you are late!".

That reindeer's name must have been Rudolph! Otherwise known as the Golden boy! 🦌


Disclaimer:
(for those taking this joke literally, sorry).
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Send, santa’s reindeers are female??? i can’t believe it, we females are just constantly exploited. i wonder what rudolph’s real name is…

——
here’s my joke of the day:

sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race & changes you forever…

we call these people cops.
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Some people think it is a mystery why so many men want a wife

And why some men want two or more is a bigamystery.
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I saw my dentist this morning. He nicely listened to my brief stress rant as my mother's health has taken a very bad turn and my thieving sister and her husband have decimated my mother's meager savings. When I asked the dentist for laughing gas, he offered a scuba tank full so I could walk around in a blissful haze after leaving. Sorry - not a joke but a bit of levity. We all need that tank of laughing gas!
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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
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Someone online asked for recommendations for a psychic, someone you would use again.
If psychics can tell the future, why would you need to use them again?
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Send, just think: If Santa’s reindeer were males, they would get lost and not stop to ask directions. There would be a lot of unhappy kids Christmas morning.

(Yeah, I’m a guy and I’ve been lost before. Did I ask for directions? Uhhh……..).
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Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you accidentally hit a parked car, simply write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.
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Both male and female reindeer grow antlers, while in most other deer species, only the males have antlers. ... Males drop their antlers in November, leaving them without antlers until the following spring, while females keep their antlers through the winter until their calves are born in May. fact.

So Santa's sleigh is actually pulled by a team of females.
Of course it is.
Even though they have mostly male names.

In modern times, Santa is recognized as having 9 reindeer- Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph.
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Today we watched my mom drive around her block for 45 minutes.

We are so happy that we got the GPS option on her hearing aids!
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Items taken from church bulletins:

At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This Sunday being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
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Yesterday I bought a Thesaurus, but when I got home I discovered all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe just how angry I am 😠😂
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Heard this on the radio.

Black Friday is when we rush out to the stores and trample on each other to buy things after the day we said we were thankful for the things we had.
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Went on a turkey hunt with a shotgun. Scared the heck out of the folks in the frozen food department at Walmart.
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Then, there is always the choice of flashing green and red lights only.
People passing by won't know whether to stop by or go away! 🚧🚫🛑✅
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

In other words, I agree the world is freaking nuts! No one knows if they are coming or going.
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On the other side of the request, the more flashing red and blue lights the better. The world is freaking nuts!
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Send, Google was started in a garage in California September 1998. That makes it 23 years old.
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Just how old is Google, Hallah?
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Thanksgiving is done, and the Christmas lights are going up everywhere.

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding this year!
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