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Replies to critics:

Though eunuch of language…. Thou pimp of gender….murderous accoucheur of infant learning...thou pickle-herring in the puppet show of nonsense:
Robert Burns, poet

None can have a higher opinion of him than me, and I think he’s a dirty little beast.
WS Gilbert (not about Sullivan)

Sir, you are like a pin, without either its head or its point.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs.
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A beautiful blonde walks into a bar and sits by herself. An older man approaches her and ask if he can sit next to her. He tells her that she doesn't look old enough to be in a bar, and asks just how old she is. She holds up her hands and starts counting her fingers. After going round a couple times she excitedly answer's "23!".

Trying to be complimentary and flirty, he then says how very tall she looks and thinks she could be a model she is so tall. When she doesn't respond he asks her just how tall she is. She jumps up, bends over and using her hands, one over the other goes from her feet to her head, when she reaches her head she excitedly answers "5'-7"!".

Being the clever fellow he decides that he can now get her name and make some real progress. So he says, "I known so much about you but, I don't even know your name. What is your name beautiful woman?" She starts bobbing her head side to side and after a few moments excitedly answers "Tiffany!"

He can't control his curiosity, he holds up his hands and says, "I understand this as he counts his fingers, I even understand this, as he bends over to measure himself. But, I really don't understand the head bobbing."

She looks right into his eyes and starts bobbing her head as she says, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear "Tiffany!", happy birthday to you."
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Humour has always been a way to cope for sure and mum sure is a fantastic source if material! Ms M (mum) has become her nickname and explanations and good planning of clothing choices are fantastic! Coming down the stairs this morning (3am ish) I first see cowboy boots, plaid pants, and a fur coat.
I ask " what exactly is going on with your wardrobe?
" Work called and said this is the uniform"
Fair enough mum!
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Three from Spike Milligan:

How long was I in the army? About 5’11”.

Well we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen.

A sure cure for seasicknes is to sit under a tree.
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Odes to the power of force and fire:

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

A simple blowtorch can solve many of your filing problems.

(This last one is my favorite. It was the caption of a cartoon, which I cut out and pasted onto my filing cabinet. However the cabinet was in our house that burned down in a bushfire in 2014. Fire got rid of some unnecessary paper, but not the problems of losing the bits we should have stored somewhere fireproof!)
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I was struck by a bottle of Omega-3 pills. Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.
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My computer:
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be...
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tears and laughter, Bingo!
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You can only get a laugh out of this if you have a loved one with dementia. We were playing bingo.....an entire table full of prizes for the winners to pick from. My sweetie won and shouted "BINGO", then got to pick his prize. Felt so good to have him win, and pick out his own prize. What a special time for him! He returned to his seat with a Cheshire grin and a candy bar! They give you a candy bar if you've already won two prizes (a token prize for return winners). He didn't want any of the prizes except for the candy bar. He was so proud of his winnings! All I could do was congratulate him on winning.....and picking out his own prize.
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My computer this morning:

'It was a virgin forest, a place where the hand of man had never set foot.'

I remember the hand of man in the virgin termination process, but I must have missed out on the foot!
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Vincent Price used to scare the blank out of me with his old horror flicks. The Pit and the Pendulum comes to mind.
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Speaking of stars gone by. I was watching news on Halloween morning. There was a request for the tv audience to text favorite scare movies or stars. Someone sent in Vincent Price, I don't remember what movie. The news anchors all late 20 or 30 somethings, four of them had no clue who Vincent Price was! Talk about making me feel old, but at least a classic!😮😬
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Thanks to posters who corrected ‘she ran the gamut of emotions from A to B’. It was Dorothy Parker about Katherine Hepburn. I thought Glenda Jackson was both too recent and not fair (not that it’s fair about Katherine Hepburn either). My computer lied!

It reminded me of George Bernard Shaw’s telegram exchange with an actress. GBS’s plays were awkward, usually preceded by introductory essays almost as long as the plays. Actress telegramed ‘Crazy to play your St Joan’. GBS’s reply: ‘Heartily concur’.
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Things that tell the truth:

Small children

Drunk people

Yoga pants
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This is a true story!
Yesterday we celebrated All Saint's Day at church; as part of the sermon, the minister was talking about various Patron Saints. He was talking about the school in upstate NY - St. Bonaventure - and said that St. Bonaventure was the Patron Saint of bowel issues.
When I got home and was telling this to my husband, his reaction was "Holy S***!"
And that, in a nutshell, should explain why I married him!
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My computer’s vicious drama critic review comments this morning:

He played the King (Lear) as if afraid that someone else might play the Ace.

My tear ducts refused to be jerked.

She ran the emotions from A to B. (This one's famous, and it was about Glenda Jackson)
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For Halloween, I carved a turkey out of a pumpkin, and hung it on the tree as an ornament.

Next!
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Knock knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O



How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience!
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Margaret: " ....... like the pleasant?"
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wife: "I  love you,” she said.
husband: “Is that you talking,” “Or the wine?”
wife: “It’s me talking to the wine.” 🍷🍷
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Wisdom from Auntie C...

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
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My computer this morning: There is no time like the pleasant.

DH’s computer this morning: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System.
(If it was an actual emergency, do you really think we would stick around to tell you?)
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How does a polar bear build it's house?


Igloos it together!
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Alligators can live to 100 years!

Which is WHY there is an increased chance that they will see you later.
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My computer t his morning:

‘When more and more people are out of work, unemployment results’
Calvin Coolidge

(Possibly Calvin Coolidge PUT together, like in Singing in the Rain)
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What a great day to go outside and look at your phone
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Do you remember Buzzybee?
I miss her. She had some good jokes.


BuzzyBee
Jul 2018
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered,
“Marc, with a C.”

Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side:
Cark.
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What are cops favorite desserts?

“Copcakes”

(Told to me by an ex-cop.)
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A police recruit was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" The reply, "Call for backup."
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97yroldmom

(Hallah
Do you mean back before the turn of the century?)

Yes
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