I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
Though eunuch of language…. Thou pimp of gender….murderous accoucheur of infant learning...thou pickle-herring in the puppet show of nonsense:
Robert Burns, poet
None can have a higher opinion of him than me, and I think he’s a dirty little beast.
WS Gilbert (not about Sullivan)
Sir, you are like a pin, without either its head or its point.
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs.
Trying to be complimentary and flirty, he then says how very tall she looks and thinks she could be a model she is so tall. When she doesn't respond he asks her just how tall she is. She jumps up, bends over and using her hands, one over the other goes from her feet to her head, when she reaches her head she excitedly answers "5'-7"!".
Being the clever fellow he decides that he can now get her name and make some real progress. So he says, "I known so much about you but, I don't even know your name. What is your name beautiful woman?" She starts bobbing her head side to side and after a few moments excitedly answers "Tiffany!"
He can't control his curiosity, he holds up his hands and says, "I understand this as he counts his fingers, I even understand this, as he bends over to measure himself. But, I really don't understand the head bobbing."
She looks right into his eyes and starts bobbing her head as she says, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear "Tiffany!", happy birthday to you."
I ask " what exactly is going on with your wardrobe?
" Work called and said this is the uniform"
Fair enough mum!
How long was I in the army? About 5’11”.
Well we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen.
A sure cure for seasicknes is to sit under a tree.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
A simple blowtorch can solve many of your filing problems.
(This last one is my favorite. It was the caption of a cartoon, which I cut out and pasted onto my filing cabinet. However the cabinet was in our house that burned down in a bushfire in 2014. Fire got rid of some unnecessary paper, but not the problems of losing the bits we should have stored somewhere fireproof!)
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be...
'It was a virgin forest, a place where the hand of man had never set foot.'
I remember the hand of man in the virgin termination process, but I must have missed out on the foot!
It reminded me of George Bernard Shaw’s telegram exchange with an actress. GBS’s plays were awkward, usually preceded by introductory essays almost as long as the plays. Actress telegramed ‘Crazy to play your St Joan’. GBS’s reply: ‘Heartily concur’.
Small children
Drunk people
Yoga pants
Yesterday we celebrated All Saint's Day at church; as part of the sermon, the minister was talking about various Patron Saints. He was talking about the school in upstate NY - St. Bonaventure - and said that St. Bonaventure was the Patron Saint of bowel issues.
When I got home and was telling this to my husband, his reaction was "Holy S***!"
And that, in a nutshell, should explain why I married him!
He played the King (Lear) as if afraid that someone else might play the Ace.
My tear ducts refused to be jerked.
She ran the emotions from A to B. (This one's famous, and it was about Glenda Jackson)
Next!
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience!
husband: “Is that you talking,” “Or the wine?”
wife: “It’s me talking to the wine.” 🍷🍷
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
DH’s computer this morning: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System.
(If it was an actual emergency, do you really think we would stick around to tell you?)
Igloos it together!
Which is WHY there is an increased chance that they will see you later.
‘When more and more people are out of work, unemployment results’
Calvin Coolidge
(Possibly Calvin Coolidge PUT together, like in Singing in the Rain)
I miss her. She had some good jokes.
BuzzyBee
Jul 2018
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered,
“Marc, with a C.”
Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side:
Cark.
“Copcakes”
(Told to me by an ex-cop.)
(Hallah
Do you mean back before the turn of the century?)
Yes