mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends, played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Husband: What about him?
Wife: Ten years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband: Wow! He’s still celebrating.
21
2. What was Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
One night the oldest sister is going to take a bath, she puts one foot in the tub and stops. She yells down the stairs, "am I getting in or out of the bathtub?"
The middle sister yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." Halfway up the stairs she pauses and yells, "am I going up the stairs or down?"
The youngest sister is in the kitchen listening to her sisters' conversation, sighed, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." Then she knocks on wood for luck and yells, "I'll come up and check after I see who's at the door."
A birthday is like the next bus – never the number you want.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . My time is UP!
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . Or not . . . it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP!
I’m not fast.
I’m just half-fast.
---------------------------
Today turned out horribly when I took my cranky old dad to the art gallery...
He did nothing but complain all through the Monets;
didn't want to view the Rodins, exclaiming, "They're such filthy animals";
and while studying the Picassos, he developed an embarrassingly uncontrollable itch...
Increasingly irritated, my dad asked, "Who is this Anne person who thinks she knows everything?", during our visit to the Cezannes. Then he became anxious that I'd send him away when I suggested, "Let's look at the Van Gogh instead".
But the last straw was when the curator came to have a 'quiet word' about the rowdy behaviour, whereupon my dad took offence, just before kicking him right in the middle of the Gaugins!
Perhaps the museum would have been a wiser choice...
It's a jungle out there
Disorder and confusion everywhere
No one seems to care
Well I do
Hey, who's in charge here?
It's a jungle out there
Poison in the very air we breathe
Do you know what's in the water that you drink?
Well I do, and it's amazing
People think I'm crazy, 'cause I worry all the time
If you paid attention, you'd be worried too
You better pay attention
Or this world we love so much might just kill you
I could be wrong now, but I don't think so
'Cause there's a jungle out there
It's a jungle out there
The ice cube tray was of special interest; I guess these days freezers automatically make ice cubes.
These were very helpful, smart kids; one was a Marine on leave. But they were unfamiliar with things that we used daily when we were kids.
I wish the old ringer washer had been there; that really would have caused some deep thoughts.
On the first cleanout though, the guys weren't as good as the gardening shed group. The first guys had no idea what a rototiller was, or the shredder. (I've also found in trying to locate someone to till my garden that people in this metropolitan area also have no idea what a rototiller is.)
"It's what your mom calls me."
The little girl starts screaming, "Spit it out, don't eat it! It's an azzhole!"
I adore my elderly grandfather...
An electrician ever since leaving school, he has never lost his mental faculty despite his 107 years.
Why, just the other day I asked, "Do you know the term for electrical power generation?"
"Watt?" he responded. So proud...
We think we're so much smarter these days, but 50 years ago the owners manual told you how to adjust the valves.
Today it tells you not to drink the contents of the battery.
You haven't ordered anything or had anything delivered in 3 days."
It told me I’m just old.
How to Wash a Cat
1) Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water bowl.
2) Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3) In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4) At this point, the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5) Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash and Rinse'. 6) Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7) Stand well back, a far away as you can and quickly lift the lid.
8) The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the house and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9) Both the toilet and cat will be sparkling clean.
(Yours Sincerely, The Dog)
You know, I have been to Australian when I was 19 as I have friends and relatives in NSW. I would like to go back there one day !
Spending a penny prompted many verses like ‘Here I sit, broken hearted, spent a penny and only farted’. The coin in the slot was considered an affront to women, as men could use a urinal for free. Certainly no-one upgraded the machines when the coinage changed to decimal.
Cannot guess the shag on the rock, I just get the real meaning...
This reminds me of what happened to me a long time ago, in Ireland. I wanted to say that it was hot and I felt the heat...
Of course, they teach you to say I am cold, I am warm, etc.
So I just said "I am hot". I realised what I had just said when the boy I was talking to began to giggle. I was so embarassed, and said " No, I mean it is hot outside, have been running back from College..."