I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
When she would go the the bathroom, she say "need to spend a penny" When she would go home to the UK she would bring back English "Sweeties" She lived here over 60 yrs so used the American words more than the English.
Margaret, I watch a lot of English/Australian TV so I know what "shag" means.
I felt lonely one day in a large shared office in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, and said ‘I feel like a shag on a rock’. Startled deadpan expressions from the 3 very straight lawyers in the room.
I needed to rub out a pencil marking, and asked my American secretary for a rubber. Shock, and then she did actually laugh!
Who has some more – perhaps we could call them ‘tomato’ jokes?
Yank: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Yank: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Yank: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Yank: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Yank: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Yank: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Yank: Please..come on Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Yank: What's the matter?
Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Yank: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There!
Are you satisfied?
Yank: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Yank:Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Chriscat83
Dec 18, 2020
Here's a silly but probably accurate dog/cat joke... Every day the owner fills up the pets' food bowls. The dachshund is very grateful. As the owner approaches the dog and fills his bowl with kibbles, the dog thinks” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. You must be god.”
The owner then walks over to the cat and gives her daily food. The cat thinks to herself” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. I must be god.”
Dave decided to relax by having a cigarette but he had ran out so he goes out to local bar to get some.
While he was there, he decided to have just one beer.
While he was sitting at the bar, he noticed a gorgeous, beautiful, hot young blonde sitting at the other end of the bar.
She stares at him, and he looks at her.
He thinks, *I have no chance with her, she's out of my league.
She walks up to Dave and asked him to buy her drink. When they got done, she invited him back to her place where they had the most fabulous sex he could remember. He fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 4am.
* Oh No!!
Quick, do you have any baby powder?
** Yes, in the bathroom.
Dave pours the powder all over his hands and goes home.
His wife Judy of course was waiting. Curlers in her hair and a rolling pin resting on her shoulder.
*** And where have you been?!!!
*Well, I went to the bar to get some cigarettes at the bar and I decided to have a quick cold one, when this hot, young sex starved blonde took me back to her place for unbelievable hot sex. I fell asleep on the couch afterwards, and I came home when I woke up.
*** Yeah! Right!
Show me your hands!
....Just as I thought!
Covered in white powder!
** You've been bowling again!!!
I remember thinking that Crisco would be a good substitute for tanning oil. Yeah, not my brightest idea. I was deep fried for sure.
I think it contributed to my frinkles.
Well, grandma needs some bail money.
Plumber replied, "Yeah, I didn't either when I was a doctor."
Hope this one hasn't already been posted, and I just forgot where I saw it. :-)
If you forget a Southerner’s name, just call him or her ‘Bubba’. You have a 75% chance of being right. (Me – really?)
Remember: ‘Y’all’ is singular. ‘All y’all’ is plural. ‘All y’all’s’ is plural possessive.(Me – do they teach this in schools?)
If there is the slightest chance of a flake of snow, you have to go to the local grocery store. It’s just something everyone does. (?)
As you curse the person driving at 15 mph in the middle of the road, remember that many folks learned to drive on a John Deere tractor, and this is the speed and lane position they learned. (Me: same in our area, except that it’s a real tractor that has to stay in the middle of the road to avoid the trees that the Council hasn’t got around to lopping)
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!
I can tell just by looking at them.
Then I thought, “I don’t know five people without any problems.”
Gertrude: Why’s that?
H: He’s in love with a submarine.
G: Really?
H: Yeah and every time the sub fires off a torpedo, Willie passes out cigars!
(Red Skelton)
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Can a pizza get to your house quicker than an ambulance.
Do bank doors open on automatic but the pens are chained to the counters.
Do customers order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet soda.
She thought for a second and said, "Do I have to pick one of mine?"
Julyed.
When this is all over, the first person to walk out of a fries take-away is going to get torn apart by a flock of starving seagulls.
Now is NOT the right time to surround yourself with positive people.
Man walks into a bar…… Lucky bastard!