Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
My MIL was English. And to this day I make her little mince pies. She gave me a gift of the cutters and the pans.

When she would go the the bathroom, she say "need to spend a penny" When she would go home to the UK she would bring back English "Sweeties" She lived here over 60 yrs so used the American words more than the English.

Margaret, I watch a lot of English/Australian TV so I know what "shag" means.
(2)
Report

Margaret - I trained myself to use eraser instead of rubber way back in high school because boys always made some kind of crude comment. And yet the when Americans use rubber bands (while we say elastics) I guess that's not funny?
(3)
Report

The English language varies between English speaking countries. This has come up on the post called ‘My father had only one interest’. I'm recalling some examples from when I worked in the legal sector in London, with people who didn’t know ‘Australian’ - both true!

I felt lonely one day in a large shared office in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, and said ‘I feel like a shag on a rock’. Startled deadpan expressions from the 3 very straight lawyers in the room.

I needed to rub out a pencil marking, and asked my American secretary for a rubber. Shock, and then she did actually laugh!

Who has some more – perhaps we could call them ‘tomato’ jokes?
(3)
Report

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
(10)
Report

I sent the dog and cat joke to my DH, who is away. He replied that it was like another he had heard: 'Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.'
(2)
Report

yankee blue and his wife are in bed

Yank: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Yank: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Yank: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Yank: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Yank: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Yank: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Yank: Please..come on Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Yank: What's the matter?
Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Yank: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There!
Are you satisfied?
Yank: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?

Yank:Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
(1)
Report

Chriscat wrote this-it was so funny!
Chriscat83
Dec 18, 2020
Here's a silly but probably accurate dog/cat joke... Every day the owner fills up the pets' food bowls. The dachshund is very grateful. As the owner approaches the dog and fills his bowl with kibbles, the dog thinks” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. You must be god.”
The owner then walks over to the cat and gives her daily food. The cat thinks to herself” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. I must be god.”
(6)
Report

One evening Dave & Judy sat down to watch a movie on TV.
Dave decided to relax by having a cigarette but he had ran out so he goes out to local bar to get some.

While he was there, he decided to have just one beer.

While he was sitting at the bar, he noticed a gorgeous, beautiful, hot young blonde sitting at the other end of the bar.

She stares at him, and he looks at her.
He thinks, *I have no chance with her, she's out of my league.

She walks up to Dave and asked him to buy her drink. When they got done, she invited him back to her place where they had the most fabulous sex he could remember. He fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 4am.

* Oh No!!
Quick, do you have any baby powder?

** Yes, in the bathroom.

Dave pours the powder all over his hands and goes home.

His wife Judy of course was waiting. Curlers in her hair and a rolling pin resting on her shoulder.

*** And where have you been?!!!

*Well, I went to the bar to get some cigarettes at the bar and I decided to have a quick cold one, when this hot, young sex starved blonde took me back to her place for unbelievable hot sex. I fell asleep on the couch afterwards, and I came home when I woke up.

*** Yeah! Right!
Show me your hands!
....Just as I thought!
Covered in white powder!

** You've been bowling again!!!
(5)
Report

Frinkles! Oh my, I love it.

I remember thinking that Crisco would be a good substitute for tanning oil. Yeah, not my brightest idea. I was deep fried for sure.

I think it contributed to my frinkles.
(2)
Report

well margaret, I got really blond,, and dry,, and then my mom made me let it grow out.. I have some 9th grade picture of me with "buffy" type side ponytails with the top half red and the ponytails blond. Not a look I recommend. And your situation is hysterical!
(2)
Report

Please share the effect of lemon spray on red hair – I’d love to know. My own ‘snap’ was using lemon moisturizer instead of lubricant in a sensitive area, by mistake. I ran for the bathroom! It spoiled the whole plan for the next few minutes.
(1)
Report

Well I never added iodine, but I did use baby oil! And some lemon spray stuff on my red hair! That was interesting!
(1)
Report

Adding iodine to the baby oil could be to blame?
(2)
Report

Well this is not really a joke but I did it.. while at my Drs this week we were talking about sunscreen. I told her I do use it most of the time, especialy on my chest as I get sun "rash" if I get too much. We were talking about our youth and baby oil, etc,, and I said "thats why I have 'frinkles".., yes indeed I matched up freckles and wrinkles.. she was laughing so hard! I sometimes wonder if I am getting ALZ! She thinks I am just soo tired.. and I hopefully agree! But she laughed and said now she had a new word to use!
(5)
Report

Remember when you were little and could rip off your diaper and run around naked? Everyone thought is was so cute!

Well, grandma needs some bail money.
(6)
Report

Doctor called a plumber and was presented with a $450 bill after 1 hour of work. The doctor said, "Wow, even I don't make that much an hour!"

Plumber replied, "Yeah, I didn't either when I was a doctor."

Hope this one hasn't already been posted, and I just forgot where I saw it. :-)
(6)
Report

I survived the US jokes, so perhaps it’s OK to post these ‘Southern States’ slurs:

If you forget a Southerner’s name, just call him or her ‘Bubba’. You have a 75% chance of being right. (Me – really?)

Remember: ‘Y’all’ is singular. ‘All y’all’ is plural. ‘All y’all’s’ is plural possessive.(Me – do they teach this in schools?)

If there is the slightest chance of a flake of snow, you have to go to the local grocery store. It’s just something everyone does. (?)

As you curse the person driving at 15 mph in the middle of the road, remember that many folks learned to drive on a John Deere tractor, and this is the speed and lane position they learned. (Me: same in our area, except that it’s a real tractor that has to stay in the middle of the road to avoid the trees that the Council hasn’t got around to lopping)
(2)
Report

Hey!
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!
(9)
Report

So many people are judgmental these days.

I can tell just by looking at them.
(9)
Report

Good one Hallah!
(1)
Report

The man at the furniture store told me the couch would seat five people without any problems.

Then I thought, “I don’t know five people without any problems.”
(12)
Report

Gertrude and Heathcliff, two seagulls, were talking one day. Heathcliff: I’m worried about Willie the Whale.
Gertrude: Why’s that?
H: He’s in love with a submarine.
G: Really?
H: Yeah and every time the sub fires off a torpedo, Willie passes out cigars!
(Red Skelton)
(4)
Report

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
(1)
Report

I went back to my old non-PC joke book, and nestled among the Irish jokes I found a list for US states. Don’t shoot me, but … Only in America:

Can a pizza get to your house quicker than an ambulance.

Do bank doors open on automatic but the pens are chained to the counters.

Do customers order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet soda.
(5)
Report

I asked my mother who was her favorite child...

She thought for a second and said, "Do I have to pick one of mine?"
(10)
Report

Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
(5)
Report

Do you ever get the urge to start organizing and then 2 hours later you're just looking around at a mess like... what the heck have I done?
(7)
Report

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
(8)
Report

You said everything would be over in June.

Julyed.
(6)
Report

South Australia's sudden lockdown has brought back some Corona Virus jokes to cheer us all up:

When this is all over, the first person to walk out of a fries take-away is going to get torn apart by a flock of starving seagulls.

Now is NOT the right time to surround yourself with positive people.

Man walks into a bar…… Lucky bastard!
(4)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter