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I'm pretty sure there are more vaccinated people in the world now than the total number of guinea pigs. Perhaps all the guinea pigs are waiting to see what happens with us, before they push up the fur for a jab on their own upper limbs!
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My husband who already took the COVID vaccine asked me if/when I was going to get mine. I told him I'd wait as I didn't want to be a guinea pig.

He said: "You don't have the size."
Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"
Him: "Guinea pigs are little."

Hahaha
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A business man’s first class seat is next to an elegant woman, wearing an absolutely stunning diamond ring. Seeing him checking it out, she says “It’s the Klopman diamond. It’s beautiful, but there’s a terrible curse that comes with it”.

“What’s the curse?” he asks. Answer: “Mr Klopman”
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“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.” Margaret Thatcher

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” Erica Jong

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb – and I also know that I’m not blonde.” Dolly Parton

Did you know that the first cloned animal, a sheep, was named Dolly after Dolly Parton because it was cloned from a mammary gland cell?
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It is soooo very hot that the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs! 🐔
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Every time I lose so weight
I find it again in the refrigerator
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Just as we are getting older, so is Barbie, and she needs the togs to go with it.

Bifocal Barbie: Comes with her own set of fashion frames in six wild colors, neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Harpers Bazaar.

Facial hair Barbie: Comes with teeny tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl – now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she can go to meetings with this little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
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Tomorrow, when it is cooler, I am going to get my life together.
With this heat, I realize I can't be going to hell. 🔥
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Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we would call them bagels.
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I am a grandma.
What's your superpower?
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I Am A Woman
What's Your Super Power?
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It’s exactly 6 months to Christmas Day, and here is a totally out-of-season Christmas joke:

Those three usual accident-prone young men front up to St Peter, who says that as it’s Christmas he will let them into heaven in spite of their past sins if each of them can show him something related to Christmas. Frantic thinking! The first one jingles his keys, Jingle Bells! He’s in. The second one lights up his cigarette lighter – a Christmas candle. OK, just. The third one pulls a sexy pair of knickers out of this pocket. St Peter says ‘That’s too much, what have knickers to do with Christmas?’. Answer “They’re Carol’s”.
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With father's day we heard lots of dumb dad jokes. Here's my favorite...

What did the buffalo say when his son went off to college?

Bison.
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Guts and balls;there is a medical distinction.
Wev'e heard of people having guts or balls,but do you know the difference???
In an effort to keep you Stagers informed,the definitions are listed below.

"Guts "is arriving home after a late night out with the boys
and being met at the door by your wife with her broom,
and having the guts to say"are you still cleaning or flying somewhere"?

"Balls"is coming home after a night out with the boys
smelling of perfume and beer ,and lipstick on your collar
,
slapping your wife on the butt and saying"You are next chubby"

There are two outcomes of the previous instances.both
could result in hospital bills or even death.


I hope I have cleared up any misconceptions you have .
no no
don't thank me
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Why was the number 7 afraid of 9?

Because 7 ate (8) 9!
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Polar! Lol! I do like this kind of jokes!
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Polar that's absolutely hilarious, LOVE it! Definitely stealing it for my daughter!
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Polar bear, excellent!! Definitely my kind of joke!
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Polarbear, it took a minute to get it! I actually had to look up the joke online and it was extra funny to learn I'm not the only one who blanks at that punchline. I love it! https://www.thenationalnews.com/lifestyle/the-simple-cheese-joke-that-is-confusing-and-delighting-the-internet-1.886952
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While searching the net for a good Dad joke, most were not new, but found one I haven't read before.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
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Margaret, we do a lllooottt of "potluck" suppers! The idea being the church is not only a place of worship, but a place of fellowship and friendship.
Even through the pandemic, after "virtual" church, we were doing a "virtual coffee hour"!
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The casserole surprised me, not being Presbyterian, but I guess at least you didn’t go hungry! This is my last Jewish joke, as the book is down at the farm.

A traveler staying overnight in a town needs a watch repair. He goes into a shop with a big display of clocks and other timepieces in the window, and is unimpressed when the shop-owner says that he doesn’t repair watches. ‘Then why do you have all those clocks in the window’. Answer: ‘I like clocks. I do all the ritual circumcisions in the district. What would YOU put in the window?’.
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Ah, Margaret, you reminded me of 2 jokes!
#1:
A young Jewish boy is enrolled in public school and is doing terribly in math. At her wits end, his mom decides to enroll him in Catholic school, hoping that the discipline will help him concentrate.
So the first day after the new school, the young boy comes running into the house, pulls out his books and does all of his math homework, and then spends an hour studying. This happens every day for a month straight! This young boy goes from failing math to a straight "A" average!
At the end of the school year, his mom praises him on his efforts, and asked what inspired the huge change which led to such success in math. He tells her "Well, mom, on that first day that I went into the school? When I saw they had some man nailed to a giant "plus" sign, I knew they were serious about learning math!

#2 - this pokes a little fun at Presbyterians, of which I am one...if you weren't raised in a reformed protestant religion, you might not appreciate it as much as we do!
A kindergarten teacher asked her students, as part of show and tell, to bring in something that represents something about their church.
So the first little girl gets up and says "My name is Mary, and I'm Catholic. These are my rosary beads."
The next little boy gets up and says "My name is David and I'm Jewish, and this is a dreidel."
The third little boy gets up and says "My name is Matt, I'm a Presbyterian and this is a casserole."
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OK so here’s another Jewish joke:

Son goes to visit mother in the old country. She know that he’s married to a Gentile, and asks a few more questions about how religion goes where he is now living.

No, he doesn’t always observe the Sabbath – it’s difficult when so many things are scheduled for Saturdays. No, he doesn’t always eat Kosher – his business clients often choose the restaurant for lunch meetings, and he can’t make a fuss. At the end of a long list, she finally asks anxiously “Son, are you still circumcised?”
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I have a book of Jewish jokes, which I have found difficult to use because they actually sound anti-Semitic. A lot of Jewish humor is self-deprecating. But I particularly liked this one:

An evangelist lady is giving a pep talk to a class of kids in school. At the end, she says “I’ve got a $2 prize for the first person to tell me the most important person in the Bible”. Little Abe’s hand shoots up and he says “Jesus”. She smiles benignly and gives him the $2.

Afterwards the teacher says “Abe, I was surprised to hear you say that”. Abe replies “Well I would have said Moses, but hey! like my father says, business is business”.
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As so often seems to be the case in jokes, 3 young men are killed in an accident, and face up to St Peter. He sympathises with them losing their lives so young, and says he will give them another chance, on condition that each of them avoids a sin they have been prone to. First regular drinker guy has to avoid thinking about alcohol. The ambitious second guy has to avoid thinking about how to get other people’s money one way or another. The third closet gay guy has to avoid the obvious thoughts that bother him.

They find themselves walking down a city street, and pass a bar. Poof! The first guy immediately disappears. The next two walk on nervously. The second guy sees a wallet on the pavement and bends over to pick it up. Poof! The third guy disappears.
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My computer’s start-up this morning:

'Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life’ Glenda Jackson
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Thanks to random forced reboots (I've set it to NOT reboot until I tell it to, but it does it anyway!) I've missed a few of these. Just got caught up!

1) Gershun's recommendation for Menopause Rhapsody is worth a watch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcVFtu-ZmmM

I plan to check out more of this woman's renditions (BTW, reading the MORE after watching confirmed what I thought - she plays all the parts too!)

2) Not dusting... My house is full of "somebodies"...

3) LOVE the popcorn/cremation!

4) Isthisrealyreal is going to ask "You can see me?" of the next stranger who tries to talk to her when she's alone... Reminds me of Grandma's Boy (movie):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1_aRnBaoSI

5) Warning labels/directions - These are seriously out of control! The first warning label I can recall seeing myself was on a hair dryer, warning not to use in the shower... seriously? Lose the warning and let natural selection do it's job... please!

This stuff is right up there with my ranting for about 20+ years about how people are becoming stupider by the day. After it came out, my son told me to watch Idiocracy... yup - I called it a pre-documentary at the time... but we ARE (and have been for a while) living it now.

Keep the funnies coming!

(if you haven't seen it, Kimmel skit on Kim Jong-un losing weight on Pelaton is pretty funny - skip to about 7 min into the video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqyyrDGvHxM

(currently watching more of Shirley's videos... Shirley of the Menopause Rhapsody fame...)
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Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the John Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moly Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their 3 children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!
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How about this:

St Paul preached about holy acrimony, which is another word for marriage.
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