I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
He said: "You don't have the size."
Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"
Him: "Guinea pigs are little."
Hahaha
“What’s the curse?” he asks. Answer: “Mr Klopman”
“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” Erica Jong
“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb – and I also know that I’m not blonde.” Dolly Parton
Did you know that the first cloned animal, a sheep, was named Dolly after Dolly Parton because it was cloned from a mammary gland cell?
I find it again in the refrigerator
Bifocal Barbie: Comes with her own set of fashion frames in six wild colors, neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Harpers Bazaar.
Facial hair Barbie: Comes with teeny tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl – now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she can go to meetings with this little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
With this heat, I realize I can't be going to hell. 🔥
Because if they flew over the bay, we would call them bagels.
What's your superpower?
What's Your Super Power?
Those three usual accident-prone young men front up to St Peter, who says that as it’s Christmas he will let them into heaven in spite of their past sins if each of them can show him something related to Christmas. Frantic thinking! The first one jingles his keys, Jingle Bells! He’s in. The second one lights up his cigarette lighter – a Christmas candle. OK, just. The third one pulls a sexy pair of knickers out of this pocket. St Peter says ‘That’s too much, what have knickers to do with Christmas?’. Answer “They’re Carol’s”.
What did the buffalo say when his son went off to college?
Bison.
Wev'e heard of people having guts or balls,but do you know the difference???
In an effort to keep you Stagers informed,the definitions are listed below.
"Guts "is arriving home after a late night out with the boys
and being met at the door by your wife with her broom,
and having the guts to say"are you still cleaning or flying somewhere"?
"Balls"is coming home after a night out with the boys
smelling of perfume and beer ,and lipstick on your collar
,
slapping your wife on the butt and saying"You are next chubby"
There are two outcomes of the previous instances.both
could result in hospital bills or even death.
I hope I have cleared up any misconceptions you have .
no no
don't thank me
Because 7 ate (8) 9!
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Even through the pandemic, after "virtual" church, we were doing a "virtual coffee hour"!
A traveler staying overnight in a town needs a watch repair. He goes into a shop with a big display of clocks and other timepieces in the window, and is unimpressed when the shop-owner says that he doesn’t repair watches. ‘Then why do you have all those clocks in the window’. Answer: ‘I like clocks. I do all the ritual circumcisions in the district. What would YOU put in the window?’.
#1:
A young Jewish boy is enrolled in public school and is doing terribly in math. At her wits end, his mom decides to enroll him in Catholic school, hoping that the discipline will help him concentrate.
So the first day after the new school, the young boy comes running into the house, pulls out his books and does all of his math homework, and then spends an hour studying. This happens every day for a month straight! This young boy goes from failing math to a straight "A" average!
At the end of the school year, his mom praises him on his efforts, and asked what inspired the huge change which led to such success in math. He tells her "Well, mom, on that first day that I went into the school? When I saw they had some man nailed to a giant "plus" sign, I knew they were serious about learning math!
#2 - this pokes a little fun at Presbyterians, of which I am one...if you weren't raised in a reformed protestant religion, you might not appreciate it as much as we do!
A kindergarten teacher asked her students, as part of show and tell, to bring in something that represents something about their church.
So the first little girl gets up and says "My name is Mary, and I'm Catholic. These are my rosary beads."
The next little boy gets up and says "My name is David and I'm Jewish, and this is a dreidel."
The third little boy gets up and says "My name is Matt, I'm a Presbyterian and this is a casserole."
Son goes to visit mother in the old country. She know that he’s married to a Gentile, and asks a few more questions about how religion goes where he is now living.
No, he doesn’t always observe the Sabbath – it’s difficult when so many things are scheduled for Saturdays. No, he doesn’t always eat Kosher – his business clients often choose the restaurant for lunch meetings, and he can’t make a fuss. At the end of a long list, she finally asks anxiously “Son, are you still circumcised?”
An evangelist lady is giving a pep talk to a class of kids in school. At the end, she says “I’ve got a $2 prize for the first person to tell me the most important person in the Bible”. Little Abe’s hand shoots up and he says “Jesus”. She smiles benignly and gives him the $2.
Afterwards the teacher says “Abe, I was surprised to hear you say that”. Abe replies “Well I would have said Moses, but hey! like my father says, business is business”.
They find themselves walking down a city street, and pass a bar. Poof! The first guy immediately disappears. The next two walk on nervously. The second guy sees a wallet on the pavement and bends over to pick it up. Poof! The third guy disappears.
'Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life’ Glenda Jackson
1) Gershun's recommendation for Menopause Rhapsody is worth a watch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcVFtu-ZmmM
I plan to check out more of this woman's renditions (BTW, reading the MORE after watching confirmed what I thought - she plays all the parts too!)
2) Not dusting... My house is full of "somebodies"...
3) LOVE the popcorn/cremation!
4) Isthisrealyreal is going to ask "You can see me?" of the next stranger who tries to talk to her when she's alone... Reminds me of Grandma's Boy (movie):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1_aRnBaoSI
5) Warning labels/directions - These are seriously out of control! The first warning label I can recall seeing myself was on a hair dryer, warning not to use in the shower... seriously? Lose the warning and let natural selection do it's job... please!
This stuff is right up there with my ranting for about 20+ years about how people are becoming stupider by the day. After it came out, my son told me to watch Idiocracy... yup - I called it a pre-documentary at the time... but we ARE (and have been for a while) living it now.
Keep the funnies coming!
(if you haven't seen it, Kimmel skit on Kim Jong-un losing weight on Pelaton is pretty funny - skip to about 7 min into the video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqyyrDGvHxM
(currently watching more of Shirley's videos... Shirley of the Menopause Rhapsody fame...)
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor then held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moly Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their 3 children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!
St Paul preached about holy acrimony, which is another word for marriage.