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Thank you LL🤗
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ITTR: You're a sketch = that phrase was one I had used back in the day = hilarious. It just came to me when looking over my grandmother's ceramic artistry.💖
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Next time a stranger talks to me and I am alone. I am going to look at him all shocked and whisper quietly, "You can see me?"
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Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic!
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There is absolutely no excuse for laziness.

But if you find one, let me know.
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HUSBAND:

I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

WIFE:

Why does it say "Do Not Resuscitate?"
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AliBoBali,

My wife tells me that Freud was a big user of cocaine or something which made his sex life awesome! It is also interesting that in those Victorian times, pornography exploded in society behind closed doors.
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Psychiatrist Peter Breggin, M.D.
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lol @CM. Back in prudish Victorian times, when cocaine and opium/narcotics were legal and considered healthy lol. It does make some sense that some wild psychology theories came from Freud and Jung in that setting.
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Also, let us not forget, was off his face on cocaine. I find that remembering that really helps when you're trying to make sense of his interpretation of dreams.
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lol Freud would say that a woman smoking a cigar was expressing penis envy. Freud really did not understand women and said as much himself.
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My computer’s message logging on this morning was a bit of a shock:

‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’ – Sigmund Freud

PS just before the edit runs out - what if a woman was smoking it?
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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure it out or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when finished?" The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then…..,” he sighed, ….. “Let’s put all of these frosted flakes back into the box.”
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InMyShoes, LOL!

I spent 30 minutes one day looking for my glasses. They were hanging on my shirt front. SMH!
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Some days I've got it all together. Other days I spend ten minutes looking for my phone while talking on my phone.
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Great idea I look forward to reading this
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My kid made the mistake of telling me that I am being overdramatic. I just changed the WIFI password, we'll see who's overdramatic in about 5 minutes.
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TNtechie - That is similar to my nephews, the older two were close in age and very competitive and their younger brother could never win or even keep up. When they fought I used to say watch out, younger brother may be bigger than you some day. And he definitely is 🤣.
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Not a joke but amusing...

For several years, I have been cautioning my older grand-nephew that his "little" brother may catch up with his physical size and end up being the larger brother; so he might want to consider being a little kinder and less aggressive in his teasing...

Today the nearly 17-year-old is 5'10" and 180 lbs of chiseled muscle, the result of his dedication to weight lifting and conditioning for football and track. His nearly 13-year-old brother is now 5'10" and 188 lbs with maybe 10 lbs extra lbs around his waist. They shoot basketball together for about an hour every day and the teasing level is very different. Little brother complains because he's not allowed to lift heavy weights yet (ortho recommends higher reps on lower weight levels for pre-14). They will be in the 7th and 11th grades this fall and for the first time the age difference is disappearing and they are acting more like brothers. It's a beautiful thing to see.
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When you can't control the urge and slap someone that really needs it.

Yell "mosquito"!
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If I am ever known as the one that got away...

It will be from an asylum.
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Why is it when we tell someone "to have a nice day" it sounds friendly but, when we say "enjoy your next 24 hours" it sounds threatening?
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My friend has one hand that is much smaller than the other. His nickname is Clock.
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When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters:

PIENS

and form the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.





Those of us that answered spine are doctors today, the rest are on facebook.
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Math made simple:

If you have 20 bucks and your wife has 5.

She has 25.00.
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You come from dust,

You will return to dust,

That's why I don't dust.

It could be someone I know.
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Remember:

When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it is illegal to dig it up.

Gardening tips for the day!
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John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for our anniversary?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.
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I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…
I don’t know how I pulled through it..
It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had!!
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Sorry this one is a long one but, I thought it was a good one ok?

From Rags to Riches

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What's your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith?
"Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a wh*re in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
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