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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. “I spoke to your wife…spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison!”
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I’ve finally worked out why I have troubles with the Emojis! We run Linux Slackware, not Microsoft, and clearly often it doesn’t translate Emojis. I get a little box with two lines of tiny print, OIF on the top line and 642 on the bottom line (643 on the upside version). It NEVER made sense. A new version of Slackware is coming out, and will probably fix it. And I had to look 3 times to register the brain reversal on IF versus FI. I think I’m getting old! DH manages Slackware, he's not the Emoji type, so I won't even think about asking him to fix it. Thank you, care support workers. I'd do a smiley Emoji if I could, but I can't!
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I always heard that if you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny.
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Rules:
1) If you have to explain a joke......just never do that.

2) The first rule of fight club club is.....
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Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with a boat paddle, or gas.

It was an ether/oar situation.
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Thanks, Cwillie. I appreciate both the explanation and learning that there is an Emojipedia site. I'm a dinosaur and have trouble keeping up with newer things. Some days I think I should just give up and sink into the tar pit. (I'd put an emoji here to "convey irony, sarcasm, joking, or a sense of goofiness or silliness" but unfortunately I've forgotten how.)
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🙃"Upside-Down Face Emoji Meaning. A classic smiley, turned upside down. Implemented as a flipped version of 🙂 Slightly Smiling Face on most platforms.. Commonly used to convey irony, sarcasm, joking, or a sense of goofiness or silliness."
Emojipedia
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MargaretMcKen, most of us will read Sendhelp's first line as "WHAT IF I TOLD YOU" instead of "WHAT I IF TOLD YOU". We scan the line and our brains convert it into what we expect to see. Only when we go back and look more closely do we realize that what we thought we read isn't what's actually there.

I'm not sure about Cwillie's emoji. I think maybe it's a take-off on the expression "Turn your frown upside down".
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I just watched a hilarious video on Youtube. It's these women singing a parody of the band Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.

Just type in Menopause Rhapsody. It's quite hilarious.
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Dear SendHelp, I don't want to seem stupid, but you will have to explain "WHAT I IF TOLD YOU: YOU READ THE TOP LINE WRONG" ???? And I still haven't worked out what CWillies second what-ever-it-is means. I know I'm not all that tech savvy, and have a problem with mobile phones (the farm has no reception), but please help!
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Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?
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😵🙃
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WHAT I IF TOLD YOU





YOU READ THE TOP LINE WRONG
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Homing pigeon...
I sold my homing pigeon on E-Bay 22 times last month.
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I used to cough to cover up my farts.
Now I fart to cover up my coughs.
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For Real!!! Bcuz that WOULD take corage!!! Lol...lol... :0o
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I don’t mean to be snotty, but I always need to sort out ‘USA’ spelling in my posts (different from the English that I do the drafts in), so I get involved in spelling all the time. Occasionally miss-spells do give me a little laugh. Today it was “You mustard up the courage to confront the issue”. I hope it wasn’t hot English mustard!

Let’s find kindly giggles where we can!
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Oh ... wow!!! Heee hee hee... what a riot! This is great!! :0) AND...I can totally relate.! Hot flashes were "SOOOOOO funny" to joke about...BEFORE I ever had them! Lol...lol... :0)
Loved this...
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KKTheBeam,

Warning, this is a bit on the racy side.

I'll let you imagine the context. She was spending a few nights with us one summer and they were both having hot flashes. I commented to my wife about what her sis was wearing that morning. At first, I was shocked and then laughed when my wife said, "well if you have seen one of us, you have seen the other." That's the only story that comes to mind right now. The other stories are not that racy, but this one is.
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Oh!!! I wish you could remember some of your stories!!! :0) The Identical Twin gags could likely go on and on... what mischievous fun I would've had with that!
God knew better than to give me a twin! Lol...lol... would've been such a hoot and a holler! If you think of one, be sure to post it... would love to hear it... :)
Is so good to laugh and smile with you guys a bit.
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Yes, indeed, "the story of Gershun and her sister's husband!!!" was great! Unfortunately, I can't remember any one of the stories when people thought that my wife was with me, but it was her identical twin sister. I often call her the Donna impersonator. Her first name even starts with a D. Identical twins are so much fun with the confusion they cause to other people who don't know them both very well. LOL! Have a good laugh!
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What a scream! Loved all the Shoe replies!!! Especially the story of Gershun and her sisters husband!!! Am sitting in my sunroom, alone, at
o'-dark-30 & giggling like a doofus... you guys tickle me!!!
"Thanks, I needed that!" :0)
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KK I have a similar story. Many years ago I was walking through our local mall when I spotted my sister's husband up ahead. He was a real jokey type of man so I walked up behind him and slapped him on the butt and said "hey honey!"Turned out it wasn't him and he had a woman with him to boot. Oops!
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How about cute orthopedic bright pink sneakers with yellow polka-dots on them? Like KK’s sister? Why should we hold back – let's all go to town!
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The shoe is only ugly if you don't fork over the big bucks.

All kinds of cute orthopedic shoes nowadays.
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For us older women:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
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True story, here.
I grew up in southern California, where my sister and I frequented Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm, several times a year.
On our last trip to Disney, my sister wore the cutest bright pink sneakers, with yellow polka-dots on them. After one very raucous roller-coaster ride, we popped into the ladies room. When I spotted my sisters sneakers in the stall right next to mine, I grabbed her leg and yelled, "gotcha!"...lol...
The joke was on me...it wasn't my sister at all!!! :0o
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Senior gentleman in a public bar imbibes a little too freely and informs the bartender:
"I need to use the bathroom".
Bartender replies,
"Just go down the stairs".
Senior gentlemen is soon ejected from the bar by two burly security guards.
"But I hadn't even finished", he protests...
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Isthisrealyreal PC froze again - after restart I loaded this thread and was scrolling to find the ones I hadn't seen yet. As soon as I saw the word rabbit, I thought of that joke (it was just a bunny), but also another, I think it was Paula Poundstone joke... telling the man that when rabbits have sex, the male screams and falls over passed out, so not to worry, the rabbit just had sex!

I also laughed out loud about the red dot and the cat doing the rest! I've often said my cats cower, expecting me to take care of whatever, unless it's small, scurries or flies or squeaks... They'd come out after the fact and ponder whether they should eat me since I'm not providing their food...
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