mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
I bought a book on anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
Answer: Because they don't meet the koalafications!
What is a computer's favorite snack?
Answer: Computer Chips!
What do they call a dishonest alligator?
Answer: A crookadile!
Happy Day... Remember: A smile is a curve that sets things stgraight!
A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a "Huge, everything under one roof mega stores" looking for a job.
Manager: Do you have any sales experience?
Kid: Yeah, I was a salesman back home.
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job.
You start tomorrow, I'll come down after close and see how you did.
His first day was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today"?
The kid says "one". "Just one"? said the boss Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?
The kid says "$189,299.87"
The boss in disbelief says $189,299.87! What the heck did you sell?
the kid says'
First I sold him a small fishhook
Then I sold him a medium fishhook
then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he was going to need a boat,
So we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he did not think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him to the Automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Ford Expedition"
Boss shook his head and said..a guy comes in to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck!?
The kid said, "No, the guy came in to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot---you should go fishing!"
A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on thier table saying "for being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
the fairy waved her magic wand and--poof! 2 tickets for the newest luxury cruise ship appeared in her hand.
the husband thought about it for a moment: "well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. the fairy waved her magic wand and --poof! the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of this story is
Men who are ungrateful b**^#@*@ should remember that fairies are female.
*personal comment here...I think the fairy should have made the wife 32 years old, not the husband 92!
That's not the end of the funny stuff I found!
1) Is it true that worms turn? Have you seen it happen? What caused it?
2) Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
3) Can you think ‘outside the box’? Or do you always think ‘inside the box’? What is the box?
4) What if there were no hypothetical questions? Would you sleep better?
5) Do sleeping tablets work better than pondering?
My guess is ‘yes’ to the last one!
Do we really have no bananas? What happened?
Why is there only one Monopoly Commission?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, should they all drown?
And of course, ‘What have the Romans ever done for us?’
They said NO and slammed the door in my face.
Sometimes my parents can be so mean .
1. My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds.
Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons
and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza...OK!?
3. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
4. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
5. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
6. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
7. I love aging, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
"Really Earnest," she complained to her devoted beautician, "You don't seem to have the talent I remember you once had".
Surmising the situation, Earnest replied, "That is absolutely correct, ma'am, I am just so much older now".
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where is the middle of nowhere?
If a deaf man goes to court, why is it still called ‘a hearing’.
Why is marmalade not called ‘orange jam’?
Is there another word for ‘synonym?
Pondering could be a bed-time substitute for counting sheep!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
bestlifeonline.com › inappropriate-jokes
We have a bunny, a very curious bunny... Yesterday, I was busy cooking and did not pay too much attention... Suddenly I heard a noise coming from the bathroom... I had not shut the door. I stepped inside. There was Leone in the toilet... Trying to come out.
Shame I didn't have my phone. I would have taken a picture.
Curiosity killed the cat... And put bunny into troubles!
Q: What was the dairy farmer hired to do at the Chocolate Factory.
A: Milk chocolates.
Q: Why do grandparents always complain about being old?
A: Well, all those wrinkles must hurt a lot.
Q: Why are you staring at that orange juice?
A: It says ‘concentrate’.
And the one I didn’t see coming:
Q: Why did the mouse give up tap dancing?
A: It kept falling in the sink.
‘Women Who Run With Poodles’
The wife noticed there was a train nearby shaking the place when it went by. She especially felt it when lying down. She went into the hallway and found a bell hop. She told him about the train and asked him to lay on the bed.
When her husband came back, he was surprised to see them lying together.
She told him, would you believe we are waiting for a train
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar
Reading the jar of plums/prunes, it said: Milk, butter, soy. I looked over at dH
with a quizzical look, and said, "Oh no, the prunes contain milk?"
He was laughing, and I looked back at the jar. Yes, it had prunes in it. But the ingredients were for the chocolate almonds before the jar was repurposed.
This was before I had my coffee.
True story, it only took a second for it to dawn on me.
on his dresser since Viet Nam. He said where is my daughter? I said Honey, that is me. He looked at me, back to the picture, back to me and said "What happened?"
Grandson: Well this is an easy way to explain it. If your teeth are being drilled in the dentist’s chair, 5 minutes feels like an hour, doesn't it? Now think: if a pretty girl is sitting on your lap stroking your face, an hour feels like 5 minutes. The speed of time seems to vary.
Pause.
Grandpa: And this Einstein guy got PAID for saying that?
I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t bear the final tragic scene where John Travolta is told he has to have a knee job and he’ll never dance again. It just had to be on the way…
From Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard To Do:
Q: Hey, mate, what’s up?
A: The warranty on my liver.
From the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet list of Signs of Crime (and I did check this one):
Screaming or cries for help.
He does not recall how he got home after the party.
Fearful he made some horrible blunder he forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple aspirin next to a glass of water on the night stand. Next to them a single red rose.
Jack sits up, notices his clothes, all clean and folded on the chair. He looks around and the room is in perfect order.
He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
He notices a note on the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner. I love you, darling! Love Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steamiong coffee and the morning paper.
His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks "Son..what happened last night?"
"Well you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hall, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, breakfast is waiting for me?
His son replies, "Oh that...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed "leave me alone, I'm married"
Broken Coffee table $239.00
Hot breakfast $9.00
Two aspirin $0.50
Saying the right thing at the right time PRICELESS!!!!!
It's too bad we can't post pictures and videos, there are lots of them out there. Perhaps the new people just need to go back to page one and start over....