mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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The book was written by Mat Connolly, and it is now a website called iusedtobelieve.com The book’s intro starts with the author’s own childhood fear of something lurking in the toilet. Then ‘many years later, I found out that a good friend used to believe his body was filled with baked beans, and I began collecting people’s strange childhood beliefs’.
Yes, some similar things used to turn up in the Readers Digest magazine section called ‘Kids say the darndest things’. They really are quite common. Even DH said that when he was little he thought cats were all females, dogs were all males - and he's quite bright.
If no-one likes this lot, I’ll give the book back to the Op Shop and find another one. Anything but Irish jokes! My favorite book was ‘Church Chuckles’, which started with the Parish kitchen sign “After use, please rinse teapot and stand upside down in sink’. It would be good if more people joined in - everyone's sense of humor is a bit different. Looking for joke books in OpShops has actually been quite a good hobby. I started when the site was moribund and a new poster wailed 'doesn't anyone know something funny to cheer me up?'.
Art Linkletter from 1952-1970
I was thinking all those "When I was a kid" thoughts were your own thoughts.
Mwah ha ha.
Sorry.
After I got ‘a frog in your throat’, the frogs moved down to my tummy and still lived there.
If you put your hands in the air, you couldn’t be killed. That was why people on TV put their hands up whenever someone pulled a gun on them.
The time that I had to phone a company’s service line, and they put me on hold, and some music started playing, the operator had got out her recorder and was playing it for me over the phone.
.... the taste.
Toothpaste was made from spare teeth, like tomato paste was made from tomatoes.
Being sentenced to death meant that you had to write the same sentence over and over again until you died.
I heard my parents talking about a baby boom, and I thought that some babies had started exploding.
The other day: ‘That fellow could start a fight in an empty church’.
The old one: ‘Lovely strong tea. You could trot a mouse on it.’
However I can’t quite get why they are similar – can you?
I've had it hard ever since I was ten
and at almost 64, it still gets hard again. :)
My husband and I have to make dates, or else our busy schedules will get in the way.
I don't know if there's sex in heaven, so get all you can while you're here.
She said ‘That fellow could start a fight in an empty church’. (I quite like that one)
Young Sean asked ‘Ma, will you buy me an encyclopedia’. Reply: “No you can walk to school like the other children.’
A member of the Irish rugby team goes home with a bleeding ear. He says to his mother ‘I’m worried, I don’t even know whose ear it was’.
That’s enough!
The insurance people finally approved my wife's new pain medicine, but the pharmacy waited until we called about it again to fill it. They should fill a prescription like this as soon as it is approved and notify the person of that.
Also, she gets her Covid shot tomorrow afternoon, but I have to wait until March since I'm not 65, but have underlying conditions.
'I just assumed that people got over bad habits by going somewhere where all they ate was cold turkey.
'I used to believe that the guy who lost the presidential election became the Vice President.
'When I was three I used to love peas. My mother sang ‘Silent Night’ at bedtime, and I thought that ‘sleep in heavenly peace’ meant going to sleep with peas that you could eat if you got hungry in the night.
'I thought that birds had special things on their feet so that they could stand on power lines without getting electrocuted.
"Yoda, I understood CW's joke the same way you did. The couple were going to have their last reunion and die in bliss. What a way to go!"
Apparently, this did not work for Yoda...he is still with us.
Just kidding, not all of them anyways.
‘When I was really little, I thought that if the car’s emergency warning light came on, one half would turn right and the other half would turn left. I thought sitting in the middle was dangerous.
‘My mother used to tell me that there was a banana factory where bananas were bent in the middle before they were sold. (And my own DH knew a kid whose father worked for the local banana import warehouse, and told all the kids that bananas were packed straight because they fitted the crates better, and his job was to bend them before they went to the shops)
‘I thought that wildflowers were really wild and dangerous, and I couldn’t understand why people liked them.
‘When I first went to school, my Dad said I was going to be brain washed. I thought he meant our heads were going to be opened up so our brains could be washed. I was scared.
BB: “Father, I am 94 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70+ years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
BB: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
BB: “I’m not.”
Priest: “Then, why are you telling me all this?"
BB: “I’m 94 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
'When I was a little girl I really wanted earrings. Mummy said ‘when you’re older’, and I thought you grew the holes when you were old enough.
'It took me a long time to realise that grilled cheese sandwiches had nothing to do with gorillas.
'I thought that the borders between countries were marked on the ground with red dotted lines, like on the maps.
'My parents used to joke that they knew they were for each other because they both had the same last name. I thought that you had to marry someone with the same last name, and when I was four I didn’t like the only girl I knew with the same name. I bit her on the arm so she wouldn’t want to marry me.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"
The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for advice that he agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good bye.
The next week, the same couple returned and asked the therapist to watch again. The therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all....
"Medicare pays $43 of it!"