mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Larry Walters of LA received an amazing honorable mention for the Darwin Awards in 1982.
He bought 45 Army Surplus 4 foot diameter weather balloons, filled them with helium, and attached them to his comfortable lawn-chair. His plan was to float about 30 feet above his backyard. He took with him sandwiches, lite beer, and a pellet gun. Unfortunately when his friends cut the anchor cord, he rose rapidly and leveled off at 16,000 feet, right into the approach corridor of LA’s international airport. Many pilots radioed in ‘incredulous reports of the strange sight’. Eventually Larry shot a few balloons and decended. His wires caught in a power line and blacked out part of LA for some time.
Federal Aviation Admin was not amused. “We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, a charge will be filed.”
Yeah, go Larry – He said ‘I’ve fulfilled my 20 year dream to fly!’
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on – Dean Martin
A German woman wanted the ultimate photo of ‘the running of the bulls’ in Nimes, southern France. She got over the safety barriers, stood in the middle of the road, camera to her eye, looking for the best photo-shoot angle. She was toppled by a horse whose rider was coming fast in front of the pack, and couldn’t stop in time. She was then ‘trampled by six rampaging bulls’ before being rescued. She died of her injuries in hospital.
Gruesome, but you have to snigger.
Mind you, selfie suicides are now much more common, so stupidity itself has not died. I must check the Darwin Awards site again! They are checked for accuracy, and Honorable Mentions are given for near misses.
If I get enough likes, I'll type in my favorite..
By the way "Golden" what age do I need to qualify for "one for the road???"
Love numbers 2 ,6, 10, 11, 14, 15, 18, 19, 20 - lol!
That is a funny story!
My dad’s CRAZY brother pulled a few stunts in his lifetime.
If someone honked at him he would pull out old spare keys that he kept, and throw them out of his car window, turn off ignition, then just sit in the car.
When the person behind him who honked would get out of their car with steam coming out of their ears, screaming at him, he would turn the ignition on with the his set of keys that he was driving with and take off really fast!
He was most certainly out of the box crazy! He never married.
At one point he brought a woman to our house from a foreign country and said that he was getting married!
My mom and dad said that she must be desperate to live in the USA.
Well, she did not marry him. LOL He stayed a bachelor all of his life.
As far as I know, she was the only woman that went out with him for a very brief time!
I think #2 is fabulous!
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
I was going to write the #'s of the ones I really liked but, that was getting to be most of them so thought "forget it."
Cute! Hahaha
🤣
Golden, number 12 is for you!
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40 but 9:00pm in the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 35 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It took me 3 days but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks me what I did at the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing an aluminum can filled with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and I get excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
So true! My friend made me laugh the other day when she called.
She said that her mom is now wearing black pants everywhere in case of accidents!
When you are old, "one for the road"means peeing before you leave the house.
I thought it was cute! Feel free to add in your own alphabets of aging! 😆
A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for chest pains
D is for dental decay
E is for eyesight that can’t read the top line
F is for fluid retention
G is for gas
H is for high blood pressure
I is for lots of incisions
J is for joints that fail to flex
K is for knees that crack all the time
L is for lost libido
M is for memory lapses
N is for pinched nerve, stiff neck or neurosis
O is for osteoporosis
P is for prescriptions that cost a fortune
Q is for queasiness
R is for reflux
S is for sleepless nights
T is for terminal
U is for Urinary issues
V is for vertigo
W is for worry
X is for X-ray
Y is for another year that I am alive
Z is for the zest for survival of all my symptoms and keeping my doctors employed
The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
What did the elderly lady say when asked "What was the best thing about being 104 years old?"
She replied... "No peer pressure!"
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.
The weak shall inherit the girth.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
The best way to break a habit is to drop it.
You’re not beaten until you give up!
He told me to stop going to those places.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
The plastic bags was for my mother – she threw away my ‘journal’ letters from my trip around India, but kept all those carefully washed plastic bags.
The mess was me, but then I only tidy up if we are having visitors, so it does take a long time.
The haircut was me too, when I was trying to grow my hair (DH2 had a thing about long hair), and realised too late that I was going back to Mia Farrow!