mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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I did that less than an hour ago. And I'm afraid I may have said thank you when dismissed.
Sigh, some stereotypes are just true.
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Looking away so violently as someone in front of you enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
More to come!
Then their curator said to the squirrels: You have made a real nuisance of yourselves. Go down to the river and be baptized into the same family.
Help your family move logs around to build up the river. Build it back better.
Several squirrels showed up at a retreat, and were sent out on a quest.
Once they returned, the squirrels were deified and made leaders, called their 'spirit animal'.
Other squirrels were recruited and taught to sing and raise their hands.
These squirrels were called worship leaders. Their favorite song, being:
"Christmas, Christmas, don't be late!".
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels knew instinctively how to swim, unfortunately, and liked the slide so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures, so, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more effective strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. After they took the first squirrel and circumcised him, they haven’t seen a squirrel since.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because ....
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because ....
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Forgot what side he was on.
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
Yeah!
Got it - I was just looking at my "edit" but, you combined the joke and edit!!
At least "no" and "know" sound the same :) - lol!
I was just going by what you said or meant, Lol. 🤔
I "get it" - very clever - lol!!
Wait a minute, did you mean to say "I don't 'no'?"
Edit:
I don't no, but I think that "Right" is spelled r-i-g-h-t .
Correctly is spelled right.
This is a joke.
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley -
They were both assaulted.
(P.S. this was not meant to be offensive in light of what happened at our nation's Capitol - I was actually thinking about the "salt").
'Cause they're really good at it.
Business is so bad that even the shop-lifters have stopped coming.
The human race is faced with a cruel choice – work or day-time television.
This shop is so quiet you can hear the overheads piling up.
And for some people: The office is a great social center, but it’s no place to get any work done.
"What is life?!!!!!"
"What is death?!!!!"
"What is game over?!!!!"
All shouted at the top of his lungs. Ah, at least I appreciate dark humor along the way.
It was full on the 29th, what is it doing still full?
Do ya think it is stuck that way?
Maybe going to be full all of 2021? 🌑🌕🌑🌚🌝🌛
Nothing would surprise me!
Happy New Year to Margaret McKen!
Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
You're muted.
Makeup would be nice.
I was fixing myself up in preparation for the holidays, and used a new face moisturizer.
It caused a bad reaction, leaving a burning "butterfly" rash on my cheeks mostly. It looks like the rash described when someone has Lupus. I don't have a diagnosis of Lupus.
Last time I did wear makeup, my eyes burned and I could not see straight.
Still, I might not go....
Rude -olph.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house!
I am dressing up for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I have not worn makeup it seems for ages perhaps a little makeup might be nice.