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🙂 Enjoy every moment with your partner…

Because you’re gonna block each other one day.
(2)
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Stop whining about your appearance.

Your personality is even worse.
(4)
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🙂 It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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some comebacks:

Someday you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.

You should really come with a warning label.

Stupidity isn't a crime, so you’re free to go.

Have a nice day, somewhere else.

Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?

I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

Earth is full. Go home.

You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.

🙂  I believed in evolution until I met you.
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😉 It wouldn't be Thanksgiving
without a little emotional scarring.
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🙂 An optimist is a person
who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
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🙂 If you hate yourself
remember you are not alone.
A lot of other people hate you too.
(3)
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😉 I woke up tired about 3 years ago and I have never really recovered since.
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🙂 I have successfully completed the 30-year transition from just wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed.
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🙂 It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself why you don’t go out.
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😇 Does running out of peanut butter
count as cardio?
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🙂 That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.
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🥰🥰🥰
The purpose of a text is to get a reply within minutes…
I mean, if I wanted to wait I’d send you a letter via pigeon instead.
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“Why did the banana go out with the prune?” he says.

“I don’t know,” she says.

“Because it couldn’t get a date.”
(2)
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😇😇😇
🎄🎄🎄

It’s all fun and games till Santa checks the naughty list.
(3)
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🙂 I have lots of hidden talents.
The problem is, even I can’t find them.
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I just had a talk with myself, and things didn’t go well…
(3)
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Fact:
Never trust anyone who spells gonorrhea right on the first try.
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😇
I’m never wrong.
Just different levels of right.
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🙂 Two reasons I don’t trust them:
1. I don’t know them
2. I know them
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The world is not full of a***holes, but they are strategically placed so you’ll come across one every day.
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What do you call an anxious dinosaur?

A nervous Rex.
(3)
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My wife is saying she’ll divorce me because I’m obsessed with television dramas.

But will she leave me? 

Find out next week…
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🙂 My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
(4)
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My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are…

But I laugh more.
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My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy. 

What planet is she on?
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"When you lower the music so you can find an address so you can see better."
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🙂 regarding my joke below...

this happened to me today!...we're all getting completely lost in the grocery store after the renovation. no one can find anything.
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Welcome to adulthood. You get upset when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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just the shape 🙂
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