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"What do we want?"
"A cure for dementia!"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"
***************
They say that you are what you eat...
I don't remember eating a person with dementia
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My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia
She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

***
Sorry to hear about your dementia...
But do you have that 10 grand you owe me?

Ok, we need humor.... or go insane.... what part did I miss?
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Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

Something here about golden brothers and stainless steel sisters?
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Copied from somewhere else: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?

Bleach!
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Copied from Facebook:

Q: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?

A: Colonoscopy prep.
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A long-ago comment from Mae West: All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

And one from Phyllis Diller: Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Three laughable ways to make a (temporary) living:

1) People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.

2) Sometimes, I just wish to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle, and not screaming in horror, like the passengers on his bus.

3) When William joined the army he got nervous about the phrase 'fire at will'.
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Another chemist joke:

Pharmacist asked his assistant what a patient needed. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any" said the assistant "so I sold him a bottle of laxatives." The pharmacist says, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" "Yes you can" said the assistant "Look at him... he's far too scared to cough."

And one for all of us:

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the blazes happened!
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Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?” “I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
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When does money fall from the sky?


When there is change in the weather.

:)
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One night at the supper table my father is talking about the "old man" in a newspaper article. I just had to ask..
Me: So how old is the man in the paper?
Dad: 64
Me: And you are how old?
Dad: 66
Me: Does this mean we can officially start calling you an old man now?
Dad: I guess so.
Me: Does this mean you plan on stepping out of the way and letting the younger folks have a chance? No more attending the planning commission meetings and showing the city's young building department people how little they know about historic building structures and methods?
Dad: NO! If they can't take the time to research before publicly offering an stupid recommendation that's their problem.
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Some chemist jokes:

What do you do with a sick chemist?
Well if you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.
AND
The accident victim was losing blood rapidly. The paramedics told him that he needed an immediate transfusion, and asked if he knew his blood group. They said that that his chances weren’t good. His last words were, "Be positive."
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I saw my hearing aid specialist today. Last month she finished her doctorate of audiology.

When I looked at my appointment card her degree followed her name ___ Au D.

I imagine she felt like she had paid enough to buy an Audi after all of her education to receive an Au D!
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not a joke but I saw a young woman wearing a T-shirt that read
"Stop staring at my D--k."
Got a good laugh from that
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I really like this one:

Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. It’s very convenient, because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.

And one for dog people:
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
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Trouble with the senses:

"Lately, when I close my eyes, I see a bunch of white spots."
"Have you seen an Ophthalmologist?"
"No, just a bunch of white spots."

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”
The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
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More groaners:

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….

What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!

What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
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If a man says he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it.
There's no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
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Ouch!

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.
One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
Anna is very excited and wishes for the trip to Thailand that she’s been dreaming about for years.. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
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LN Reason posted this to a different thread. It's worth a wider audience:

My husband who now has dementia/alzheimers depending on which doctor you talk to - went to our family doctor for his 6 month check up. After doing a urine sample the doctor told him "Pull your zipper up, you don't want to bother the ladies in the waiting room." Without hesitation my husband replied "What can't get up - can't get out." I was embarrassed but once I got home and since then it cracks me up. Such honesty and he wasn't be a cad - just open and honest like a child. I still smile when I think of the doctor's response - he didn't say a word.
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The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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I 'm curious if my car keys ever wonder where I am?
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Old jokes, the best I can do. Making up new ones is not my forte. I have a bit of an inferiority complex about re-using old ones, but as you can see, it's not a very good one.

AND If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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What's the world going to have about 13 years from now?

Lots of quaranteens.
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Here's definitive proof that the Earth is round...

If it was flat, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now!
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What is 50 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean?















A good start.
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But some good news........the funeral homes are doing great. People are dying to go there.

Sorry............that was in very poor taste but I couldn't resist.
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It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses around town

The bra manufacturer has gone bust.
The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
The tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.
The bread Company has run out of dough.

The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo.

The Chinese restaurant has been taken away.

The shoe shop has had to put their foot down and given their staff the boot.

The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

The pet shop has gone to the dogs.
The butcher's had the chop.
The veg man is in a vegetative state.

The venetian blind shop has closed, so it's curtains for us all

The wall paper shops taken a pasting.

The florists are now pushing up the daisies.
The fish n chip shop has been battered.

The milkman's lost his bottle and finally,
the bread man's toast.
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Rejuvenation!

Here’s one suitable for children:

Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The others escaped with minor injuries.
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If you're dancing with your honey and your nose is getting runny don't think it's funny cause it's snot.

I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white and red?
Ans: A nun falling down the stairs

Ta Da! My pathetic attempts at humor
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