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i already posted this. but i have to re-post it:

😉 A caregiver gets held up at gunpoint by a mugger who says, "Your money or your life!"
The caregiver says, "Is there a third thing? I don't have either of those."
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What do you call ten rabbits marching backward?

A receding hairline.
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🐟What kind of music do fish listen to ? 🐠
Sole.

🐄 What kind of music do cows listen to? 🐄
Pastoral.
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🎄🎄🎄
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap
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funny joke about complaints…

A man goes up to a woman sitting at a desk. There’s a trash can next to her.

Man: I would like to file a complaint.

Woman: Submit it here.
(she points at the trash can)

Man: (shocked)
You don’t even hide that it’s a trash can?!

Woman: We pride ourselves on our transparency.

Man: (upset; submits his written complaint into the trash can.)

Woman: Please accept our sincerest apology.
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🎄🎄🎄⏰⏰⏰

69 days till Xmas.
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🎄🎄🎄

Be naughty, save Santa the trip.
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🙂 In the event of a disaster,
I have strategically placed chocolate in various locations.
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🙂🙂🌸🌸
I’m not saying I hate you.
But, I do catch myself fantasizing about you being attacked by honey badgers, barefoot in a desert of legobricks, near a Bieber concert.
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🥳 From a procrastination point of view, today was very successful.
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🙄 My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
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🙂🙂 I’m ready for some blessings that aren’t in disguise.
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Tonight...I'm drinking until I'm someone else's problem.
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Pool rules:
You’re not allowed to do anything that begins with the words
“Hey everyone watch this!”
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I walk around like everything is OK…but deep down inside, I want to put up my Xmas tree.
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it - you should probably get rid of the chainsaw…just in case.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing,

and a lot of them are really good at it.
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A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered: “Kindergarten”.
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Finally fixed that annoying noise in my car…
I opened the door and pushed him out.
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Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
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So…a burglar broke into my house…
I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest…
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I don’t “fall asleep” -
I overthink myself into a coma.
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They say…
curiosity killed the cat.

I say…
at least the cat died knowing.
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🤔
I can’t tell if it’s killing me
or it’s making me stronger.
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Success (noun)

When you can finally give your dog the backyard it deserves.
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🙂 "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
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🙄 “Some people are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.” 
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😉 I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
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hugggg
🙂🙂🌼🌼🙂🙂
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🤓 The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.


(bundle of joy currently experiencing this)
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