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What does the Gingerbread man use to make his bed?

Cookie Sheets :)
(11)
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Its funny how the colours red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
(12)
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2 x definitions for you :)

Smile -  A curve that can set many things straight.
and
Tears  - The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
(2)
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My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID,
then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”
(5)
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Fresh anecdote, from a couple hours ago:
Finnally!
After weeks powering up my characters, I am finally able to beat the game phase that has been the bane of my existence for so long. And right in time, too, It paid off waking up five in the morning, doing the daily game routines and all. if I can finish the boss within the next five minutes, I can pocket the bonus of...
The bell buzzed. My mom, who should be sleeping, is calling.

Oh, well,

Have a nice week, everyone.
(2)
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Just sharing a smile that has literally just happened.

One of our sons is here and he is skyping/video chatting (not sure which, but he can see her on the monitor) his long distance girlfriend.
She has a free-range tortoise. (wanders the house) Called Charley (Its a girl but what-ever. lol)
She has been preparing for Christmas. That includes Charley.
Tortoise now has a red hat with a white pom-pom. She wanders the house with it on.
Had me in hysterics (I wasn't expecting it) So cute and funny.
My first smile today, so I am sharing it with you.
Buzzy
(6)
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What is a couch?
A people potato shelf :)
(6)
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What two things can you never eat for breakfast?



Lunch and Dinner.
(4)
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Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
(13)
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A class was told to interview a veteran for a school project. Since Johnnys G'Pa was in the army during WWII he decided to interview him.
After several questions of a general nature he ask G'Pa if he ever killed anyone.
After a pause G'Pa replied, probably, I was the cook.
(11)
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The doctor’s verdict when little Clarissa swallowed the Christmas decoration?

Don't worry, it’s just a touch of tinsellitis!
(3)
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Tattoo-tramp stamp.
(1)
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Husband is complaining to his wife that she is hard of hearing. The wife argues that her hearing is fine. Later the wife is sitting on the couch and husband decides to prove his point. So, from behind her, he asks, "Can you hear me?" No answer. He asks again, a bit louder, "Can you HEAR me?" Still no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and yells, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?" to which the wife replies, "Yes, Yes, Yes! for the third time, I can hear you!"
(8)
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide but you can't run.
(7)
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Compromise
The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
(4)
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Algebra, stop asking about your X,
she is not coming back,
so stop asking Y.
(9)
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Lipstick
On your lips, a colour to enhance your beauty of your mouth.
BUT same colour on his collar, is one only a tramp would wear.
(5)
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Here’s a pre-Christmas one for those of us who can't work out where their life is heading:

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?

Lost!
(3)
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Funny definitions (well I think so at least. lol )

Argument
A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.
(9)
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Whoever came up with the word "dentures" really missed the opportunity to call them "substitooths".
(13)
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If they made an organic Twinkie.
Would it be called a sponge?
(3)
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Fitting joke:
Gramps got up and asked Grandma if she wanted ice cream?
Grandma said, ok if you don't forget what you went to go get....
Gramps pulled 2 bowls out, answered the phone (wrong number), and looked back at the counter.
Unable to remember what the bowls were for, he served up some chili off the stove that was still warm.
Upon his return with Grandma's chill, she snapped back:
I told you that you would forget crackers!
(10)
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Hackers need to step up their game and delete everyone's loans, bad credit and mortgages.
(17)
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So yesterday was my regular dementia caregivers support group. We had a guest speaker who was stressing self care. She was telling us we needed stress relief, anything we could do that would help us with decomposition. Well, I couldn't help it. I says, "Decomposition? Is that what we are after?" Everybody laughs. She meant decompression!
(7)
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So...how do you tell the difference between SnowMen and SnowWomen?

Check for the Snow Balls!
(7)
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How do you get gum off a dog?

You say, "Hey dog, gimme some gum." :)
(3)
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
(9)
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Margaret, I want to migrate to where you are. I'm freezing here!
(3)
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It's 104F degrees where I am today, but if you have snow you really need to know what snowmen have for breakfast.

You guessed, snow flakes.
(6)
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My wife and I attended a friend’s funeral at the local Veteran's cemetery. At the time we had no plans for a funeral or burial. I had done some research but had not made a decision.

The funeral we had just attended came off as subdued and very good taste. So on the way home I decided to call VA and find out how we could get buried at the veterans cemetery. I called the VA office in LA and after giving my personal background the VA representative told me that she was sorry that we couldn’t be buried in the veterans cemetery because I wasn't a veteran. I told her that I was in the service with 22 continuous years including a year I had spent in Vietnam.

She responded, “Yes, but you weren’t  wounded!” I argued and then she put me on hold and admitted that her supervisor said that being wounded was not a requirement. I certainly wasn't going to ask any significant questions of this dunce, but I couldn't resist rattling her cage.

We are in Nevada and although the federal government owns millions of acres of land, when it comes to Veterans Cemeteries burial plots are rationed. I believe this is true all over the country but I’m not sure.

The way it works is when the husband dies he is buried at the veteran’s cemetery. When the wife dies they dig up the husband put the wife in the plot and then put him back in on top of her. Most civilians are not familiar with this procedure and many veterans are unaware of it.

Nevertheless, that’s the way it works. So when this expert from the VA came back on the phone, I couldn’t resist asking her what we do if the wife dies first. I told her that we were thinking of storing her in the garage, but lately were considering just laying her out on the dining table because that would be more respectful. I don’t remember the expert’s answer, but she had previously lost her main argument that “You weren't wounded so you are not a veteran.”

The truth is, if the wife dies first, she receives a proper burial  at the gravesite with her own name on the grave marker. When the husband dies, he is buried in the same plot and a new marker losing both of their names is substituted.
  

We are both going to be cremated so we’ll have no trouble squeezing into one space.
(7)
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