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Long story short (phrase)

Turns out I will tell an entire fully detailed story.
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Tomorrow (noun)

The day your diet starts.
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Secret (noun)

Something you tell everybody to tell nobody.
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i already posted this, but i have to re-post it because it’s funny:

🥰 Soulmate (noun)

Someone who does the same weird things you do.
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Brain (noun)

Something we all have but don’t use very often.
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🙂 What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin!
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🙂 Just wanted to let you know, that I'm pretty good in bed.
I hardly ever fall out now.
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"Three wishes," the genie says.
"First wish," the stoner grins, "let's smoke a joint." They do.
Then, "Second wish, let's smoke another." They do.
For the third wish, he says, "Let's smoke one more."
The genie, looking concerned, says, "Are you sure? You have only one wish left."
"Yeah, man, I'm sure," the stoner replies. They smoke, and the genie goes back in the bottle.

A little while later, the genie comes out of the bottle and says, "Alright, what's your fourth wish?"
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😉 My ex still misses me. But their aim is getting better!
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😉 I was so surprised when the stationary store moved.
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😉 They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they're not laughing now.
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I’m going to start telling men “I know a place”, then drop them off at a therapist.
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🥰🥰🥰🥰
I would walk across legos for you.
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I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink. That’s about it.
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🥰 Life is short.
Lick the bowl.
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🙂 I taught my pet wolf how to meditate…
Now he’s aware wolf.
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☹️ Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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Dating advice:
Ask people questions that give them an opportunity to talk about themselves:

What the h*ll is wrong with you?
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🙂 🐈 Cat worries:
What if I'm too awesome?
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If I had 100 friends...
I would turn my phone off.
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Low self-esteem:

Dear Diary,
Sorry to bother you again...
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At my funeral instead of putting flowers on my casket. I want the flowers to be thrown into group of mourners attending my funeral to see who is next.
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🙄😘
I wish I were full of tacos 🌮 instead of emotions.
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Body type:
Clearly not one to turn down a taco.
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No one will ever be there in “two minutes”.
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If you’re 40+
it’s time to leave the young girls alone and get a woman who understands the first signs of stroke.
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Stop complaining about your life.
There are people out there dating your ex.
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🙂 One day I was born.

☹️ Then everything bothered me.

🙂 And that brings us up to date.
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Pretty rude that the weekend is already almost over, but ok.
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🤯 It is astonishing how long it takes to finish something you are not working on.
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