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--Relax David, it's just a small surgery, don't panic.

--But doctor, my name isn't David...

--I know. I am David.
(5)
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2016: didn't jog
2017: didn't jog
2018: didn't jog
2019: didn't jog
2020: didn't jog
2021: didn't jog
2022: didn't jog
2023: didn't jog
2024: still haven't jogged

This is a running joke.
(4)
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Does it count as saving someone's life
if you just refrain from killing them?
(2)
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I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
(4)
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There are 7 billion people in the world.
I like 6 of you.
(1)
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🙂 If you like someone, set them free.
If they come back, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
(2)
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🙂 On a scale from 0-10, how focused are you?

Banana.
(2)
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Making fun of someone you're angry with
is childish.
Be an adult and hit them with your car.
(2)
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🙂 I'm a leader, not a follower,
unless it's dark. Then you're going first.
(2)
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🙂 I care deeply about like 7 people in my life,
and about 400-600 dogs on the internet that I've never met.
(2)
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🙂
"I'd like people more
if they were cats instead."
(4)
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You can teach a cat to do anything

that it wants to do.
(3)
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Brain

For sale, barely used.
(2)
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🙂
"My brain cells will die
if I have to talk to you."
(1)
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🙂
“I don't care if we don't talk. Your existence still irritates me."
(1)
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🙂
“Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.”
(1)
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“Told you so.”

Sincerely,

Your intuition
(5)
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“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.”
(4)
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“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
(4)
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I may look fine
but deep down
I don't remember
any of my passwords.
(5)
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Family member: What are you doing with you life?

Me: It's a surprise.
(3)
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New Year's Resolution:
1. Get finances in order
2. Get finances
(2)
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🙂

I think it's about time I had unlimited money.
(2)
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🙂

“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.”
(3)
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🤪😜🤯

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
(2)
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🙂

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."
(1)
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🙂

"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." 
(1)
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🙃🙃🙃

“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”
(2)
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🙂 I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead.
(2)
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🙂 When I die, I want my last words to be, “I left $1 million under the
(3)
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