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It always
gets worse.
(1)
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Keep calm
while we steal your data.
(1)
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It’s a beautiful day
to leave me alone.
(1)
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I’ve put myself in a time-out until I can play nice with others.
This may take a while.
(1)
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1. Wake up
2. Hate everything
3. Go to sleep
4. Repeat
(1)
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It takes 43 muscles to frown
and 72 to say, “F*** off!”

Totally worth the extra effort.
(1)
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Be like a star




distant and dying
(1)
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Be yourself.
No one else wants to be you.
(1)
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There’s no need to repeat yourself.
I ignored you just fine the first time.
(1)
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It’s about to get
really not that great.
(1)
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Dogs have no idea what’s going on
and I’m so jealous of them.
(1)
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What doesn’t kill you
is gonna leave a scar.
(1)
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🥰
I would love you
if you were pizza.
(1)
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😉
Don’t worry
but also don’t be happy.
(1)
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😉
You are a waste of blood and organs.
(1)
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🙂
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
(1)
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🙂
If you're ever feeling lonely, just remember that somewhere out there, there's a spider looking for a roommate.
(2)
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“A caregiver in bed will remain in bed until acted upon by a large enough panic.”
—Newton’s lesser known fourth law
(4)
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Are nap dates a thing? Because that’s something I can work with.
(4)
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Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Can I offer a selection of your worst memories from the last 10 years?
(2)
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I just need a quick 20-minute to 2 year nap.
(2)
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Do you ever want to take a nap but the nap doesn’t want to take you?
(3)
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This is not even funny, but as a cranky old man, I'm coming close to saying this about what is truly beyond my control and I used to comment, "do some needed adulting."

Instead, it's more like well "Let them eat cake" and have the level of adulting they truly want.
(3)
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While this is not a joke, it is a fun way to tell a scam call person goodbye, "Have the day you deserve, bye!"
(3)
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🤯 I can't believe I used to talk to people.
(1)
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Is it a right to remain ignorant?

🙂 I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
(2)
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🙂🙂 That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
(2)
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🙂 "I asked my mom if I was a gifted child...She said they certainly wouldn't have - paid - for me."
(3)
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🙂 No one knows your business like other people.
(5)
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IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

Sorry, just practicing for tomorrow...
(2)
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