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Phones nowadays are so expensive
you fall and hear a crack sound and
you pray it's your leg.
(3)
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On Monday mornings I like to wake up slow
and sit on the couch,
having coffee for 37 hours.
(1)
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A haiku about getting out of bed:

No no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no
(0)
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I love these jokes! Hilarious wisdom, really

One thing I like to do is, when a store clerk at checkout says, “ Did you find everything you were looking for? ” I answer, “ Do you know where the Sanity is?” Half the time they look at me like I’ve grown a second head. The other half says, “ I don’t know what aisle that’s on, but when you find THAT, let me know! “
(7)
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🤯 Sometimes getting out of bed just ruins the whole day.
(4)
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🥰 What are we fake caring about today?
(1)
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Whenever I have an internet break, I check my job.
(2)
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I love how chocolate tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for about 27 minutes.
(0)
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Go to the store…
Get the cart with the messed up wheel.
(1)
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Life hack:
Don’t die.
(1)
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Hi, and welcome back to me crying.
(1)
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🤔🌩️⚡️

When he offers solutions instead of just letting me complain…
(1)
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[walks into pharmacy]

Hello yes I would like to purchase 1 mental health please.
(1)
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Stop crying about your problems on the internet. Bottle them up inside and disguise them with dark, inappropriate humour, like a grown-up.
(2)
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I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t feel like screaming.
(2)
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What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgement.
(1)
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🙂 Life hack: save time by crying about two things at the same time.
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What’s your birthstone? Mine is rock bottom.
(1)
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When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
(1)
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I promise to do a better job at hiding how much you annoy me.
(2)
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The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
(1)
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...one drink away from telling everyone what I really think.
(1)
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I'm not stupid.
And sometimes I think that's part of the problem.
(1)
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If stupid was a sport,
I would be surrounded by champions.
(2)
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😉 You are sensitive, kind, thoughtful, wise, generous and gullible.
(3)
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🙂🙂 Ever wanted to hold someone under water till the bubbles stop?
You’re not alone.
(1)
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Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
(2)
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🙂🙂 You can stay but your clothes must go.
(1)
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🥰 If I’m flirting with you please cooperate.
(0)
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People think that grass don't be wet in the morning.

But it dew.
(6)
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