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Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake.
(1)
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I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me.
(3)
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🙂🙂🙂 I hate you the least.
(1)
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🙂 The best part of waking up…
is still a mystery to me.
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Memorable, if not actually funny:

She dug her grave with a knife and fork.
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😘😘😘 What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent, beautiful eyes…
But enough about me, how are you doing?
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Before we work on artificial intelligence…
we need to fix natural stupidity.
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Nothing artificial
about my intelligence.
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I sat quietly with my own thoughts today.

Remind me never to do that again.
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Me: Is it weird to talk to myself?

Me: No.
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Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I’m writing about them. I am.
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“Are you really OK?”

I am acting like I am OK. Please don’t interrupt my performance.
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Doing nothing again today because I did not finish yesterday.
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Every man should have a fair sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends

Henry Brooks Adams

It is more fun to talk with a person who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather, short easy words like, ‘What about lunch?’

A. A. Milne

She was the kind of person who never gave you enough time to miss her

Zadie Smith
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A good friend always stabs you in the front

Oscar Wilde

Lots of people want to ride in the limo with you, but what you want is someone to take the bus with you when the limo breaks down

Oprah

It takes your enemy and your best friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart, one to slander you and the other to get the news to you

Mark Twain

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the time of liking them a great deal

Jane Austen

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate

Linda Grayson

One loyal friend is worth 10,000 relatives

Euripides

One good reason to keep a small circle of friends is because 3 out of 4 murders are committed by people who know the victim

George Carlin
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😉 When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
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🙂 When I die, I'm gonna become a ghost and watch attractive people shower.
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😉 It's probably going to be all right.


Maybe.
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Trying to decide if I should be a warning or an example to others today.
🙂
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Learning a foreign language is pointless, I'm not even allowed to talk to strangers.
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Human beings invented language to satisfy their deep need to complain.
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Me: I will not be awkward today.

Person: Hey!

Me: Good, thanks!
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😊 Where’s my Oscar for acting like everything’s fine?
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🙂 I am the human version of tangled headphones.
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Why I use subtitles:

Because I don’t speak that language

Because I don’t want to miss a word

Because I’m eating chips
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🙂 It’s cool you have your opinions, but they’re wrong and I hate you.
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🙂 You’re so much smarter when you don’t speak!
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😉 Why do married men live longer than single men?

They don't, it just feels that way.
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Two psychiatrists pass each other in the hall and say, "Hello."

One says to himself, "I wonder what he meant by that?"
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I know a really good joke but auto-correct keeps spoiling the lunchtime.
(3)
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