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Good things come in trees.
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☺️ An apple every 8 hours keeps 3 doctors away.
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😊 If you really love something set it free, unless it's a tiger.
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My new thesaurus is terrible - not only that, but it's also terrible.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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The menu said "Breakfast any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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What if Soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish.
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I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade.”
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You know what part I love about waking up?
None of it. Let me sleep.
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I haven't shopped in 3 days. I don't even know who I am anymore.
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I don't need a boyfriend.
I need $12 million and a donut.
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Successful adulting:

Not stabbing someone
when you really want to.
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Don't tell me you miss me.

Tell me you're outside
with tacos.

Actions.
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I don't need a stress ball. I need a stress bat.
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😊 "To be Frank, I'd have to change my name."
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"Jokes about women's bodily functions are not funny. Period."
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"I own a lawn-mowing business. I get bad reviews when I don't cut corners."
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"Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy."
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"There is no 'i' in denial."
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"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever.'"
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Tell me a joke about self-centered people.

I’ll go first.
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Guess who’s posting self-deprecating stuff instead of doing something productive and worthwhile?
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I'm at a really low point right now, but the good news is that the worst is still to come.
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Watch me make bad decisions even without the influence of alcohol.
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Someone, please help me! I’m way too young to be this old already.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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I’m on my 36th selfie attempt, and I’m still refusing to acknowledge that this isn’t my day.
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I said “hello” to darkness my old friend, and it told me that it doesn’t want to be my friend.
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I don't know much, but what I do know is wrong.
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some more comebacks against someone who insults you:

“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”

—-
“Jealousy is a disease. 
Get well soon.”


“Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?”


“People like you are the reason I’m on medication.”


🙂 “You need a kiss on the neck from a crocodile.”
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