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Childhood Injuries:

Fell off a bike
Fell out of a tree
Twisted my ankle

Adult Injuries:

Slept wrong
Sat too long
Sneezed too hard
(5)
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Listen, smile, agree…

Then do whatever you were going to do anyway.
(4)
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I remember years ago when all I ever wanted was to be older. I was wrong!!!
(3)
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Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
(4)
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If you have an opinion about my life raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
(6)
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My mind not only wonders, sometimes it completely leaves.
(3)
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The right to be heard does not give your the right to be taken seriously.
(4)
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.
(6)
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Make yourself at home, clean the kitchen!
(3)
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My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
(3)
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If you’re all wrapped up in yourself then you’re overdressed.
(4)
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🤓😘

“If there’s anything I can do for you,
don’t hesitate to keep it to yourself.”
(2)
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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Lily Tomlin
(4)
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen
(2)
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🙄🌸

“Sometimes I look at you and wonder…
Why has no one hit you with a brick?!”
(2)
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🙄

“Your problem is
not knowing you’re the problem.”
(1)
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You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
(3)
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🙂🙂 on a cremation urn:

“Reincarnating… I’ll be right back.”
(3)
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🙂🙂🤯🤯

"Please hold
...I suddenly have to go bang my head against a wall."
(1)
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🙂🙂🤯🤯

"Welcome! Today's specials are:
Lack of sleep
Up too early
and Low on patience

Thank you. Please come again."
(1)
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🙂🙂

"How can I get 8 hours of sleep
in 3 hours."
(2)
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If you want the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.
(2)
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around.
(2)
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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Issac Asimov
(3)
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that is troublesome.

Issac Asimov
(1)
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🙂🙂

"I didn't sleep much
but I got a few solid hours of worrying done."
(2)
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Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Anonymous
(5)
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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

Mark Twain
(4)
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Jack Handey
(6)
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“I want first time offenders to think of their first time experience in my courtroom as being the second worst experience in their lives. Circumcision was the first!”

Judge Judy
(1)
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