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🙂🙂

“Everyone around me keeps telling me I'm mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they're ugly."
(2)
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😉

"Whose bright idea was it to
allow spiders on the ark?
I want names."
(4)
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😉

"Look around.
All that clutter
used to be money."
(5)
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❤️

"When I offer to wash your back in the shower,
all you have to do is say yes or no.

Not all this 'Who are you and
how did you get in here?'
nonsense."
(3)
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😉

"Two things to make your day better:
1. Do not watch the news.
2. Stay off the bathroom scale."
(4)
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😉

"Just so we're clear
I'm way more inappropriate in real life."
(1)
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😉

"I think the lightbulb
above your head needs to be changed."
(3)
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🙂

"I'm not saying your perfume is too strong.
I'm just saying the canary
was alive before you got here."
(1)
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🙂

Keep calm
because someday
these “Keep calm” signs
will go away.
(1)
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🙂

Alternatively…

Freak out
&
Cry a little
(1)
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🙂

Keep calm
&
Order pizza
(1)
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🙂🙂

“A man standing on top of a mountain, after a long, torturous climb, says:

Ever go somewhere and completely forget why you’re there?”
(1)
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❤️

"I love it when my pet sighs,
like what ails you
my little unemployed freeloader."
(1)
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🤔

"Never compliment a woman
on her mustache,
no matter how epic it is."
(3)
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❤️

"All complaining positions
are currently unavailable."
(2)
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🤔

"My door is always open.
Hopefully you'll leave."
(2)
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🤔

"Life is good...
You should get one!"
(3)
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❤️

"Don't you wish some people would start using
glue instead of lipstick?"
(2)
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❤️

"All stressed out
and no one to choke."
(2)
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🤔

"In the entire history of the word 'Fine'
it has never been used by a woman
to mean everything is good."
(2)
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🤔

"I don't know how to put this nicely...
so I won't."
(1)
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🙂🙂

"Trust me
you do NOT want my
undivided attention."
(2)
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❤️

"Love is in the air?!
Wrong.
Nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon
dioxide are in the air."
(1)
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🤔

"I turned my phone on airplane mode
and threw it in the air.
WORST TRANSFORMER EVER."
(2)
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🤔❤️

"Sometimes I think I should try to be more compassionate and understanding...
and then you start talking..."
(2)
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🤔

"Of course this is my real personality.
Who the h*ll would fake THIS?"
(2)
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🙂🙂

"Sorry, but I'm all out of sugarcoating."
(3)
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🤔

"When I was your age, we had to walk to the TV to change the channel."
(4)
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🤔

"Changing the toilet paper
will not cause brain damage."
(4)
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😉

"It's like winter is really mad and
keeps storming out of the room and
then coming back, yelling, 'And another thing!'"
(3)
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