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😉

“The best years of a woman’s life…the 10 years between 39 and 40.”
(2)
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🤓

“Grandpa, tell us about the days when you had to buy the whole album even if you only wanted one song.”
(3)
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🤯

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.”
(2)
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🤓

“By the time you’re 90 years old, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”
(3)
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❤️

"Don't think of it as turning 30.
Think of it as being old."
(2)
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❤️

"If you are going to call the cops
every time you spot me in your bushes
I don't think this relationship is going to work."
(1)
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BOJ, I laughed out loud at the cops hiding in bushes.

I drive a 4x truck because I am a form believer that a car built to go 0 to 60 in 3 seconds should be driven that way, except for the cop hiding bushes :-) (of course the safety issue is a factor but, I would drive it like I stole it if I owned one)
(3)
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❤️🙂

Instead of my car saying stupid things like
"your door is ajar"

it should say helpful things like
"there's a cop hiding in the bushes".
(1)
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😉

"Wanted:
a tiny dragon to incinerate a***oles, sh***ty drivers, and dumb***sses."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I'd like to unsubscribe 
from my own thoughts."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I'd like to unsubscribe
from my on thoughts."
(2)
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🤯

“Yeah, I’m about ready for the weekend.”
—me, Monday at 7:14 am
(3)
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😬

“Looks like I’m thinking,
but really it’s allergies.”
(2)
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My son-in-law took his 5-year-old son with him to the mailbox and the boy asked his dad, "Anything for me?"
Dad said, "No, just a bunch of bills."
The son asked, "Who's Bill?"
(3)
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❤️🙂🐈

“Cats never listen. They’re dependable that way; when Rome burned, the emperor’s cats still expected to be fed on time.”
(3)
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😉

"I can't have kids,
my cat is allergic."
(2)
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😉

"It's not that I don't like you...
Oh wait, yes, yes it is."
(1)
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😉

"The window today.
That's enough social interaction."
(1)
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😉

"Man to a woman:
Forget the past, you can't change it.
Forget the present, I didn't get you one."
(3)
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Self esteem is overrated.

We are not all bad.

Just badly misinformed about how good we are.
(3)
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🙂🙂🐈

"Let's face it,
I was crazy
before the cats."
(3)
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❤️🙂🐈

"Keep calm
&
meow on."
(2)
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❤️🙂🐈

Cat holding up a sign:
"Friends don't let friends get a DOG!"
(2)
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🙂🙂

List of things I'm handling well currently.
1.
(1)
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❤️🙂

“Fries or salad?”
Sums up every adult decision you have to make.
(0)
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❤️🙂

“I started the day with lots of problems.
But now, after hours and hours of work,
I have lots of problems in a spreadsheet.”
(1)
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🙃

“Feeling a little sick.
Better look up my symptoms online.
I have brain cancer.”
(1)
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❤️🙂🐈

"A man peacefully sleeping in bed.

Cat:
Is he dead?
I better walk on his face and find out."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Addicted to all the wrong things."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I've got two wonderful children -
and two out of five isn't so bad."
(2)
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