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❤️🙂

"If alcohol kills germs
and laughter is the best medicine,
I'm the healthiest person on the planet."
(2)
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😉

"Whenever I'm feeling fat, I try not to stress about it
and just keep my chins up."
(2)
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🤪

“Never mind beauty sleep.
I want skinny sleep.”
(5)
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They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you... but mine just points and laughs.
(4)
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❤️❤️❤️

"Sometimes the weight you need to lose
isn't on your body."
(4)
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❤️🙂

"Boys will never understand
the struggle of long hair & lip gloss
on a windy day."
(5)
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❤️🙂

"I'm not saying you're stupid.
I'm just saying you've got bad luck
when it comes to thinking."
(3)
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😉

"Why do we feel safer under blankets?
It's not like a murderer will come in thinking,
'I'm gonna ki -- ...ah damn! She's under a blanket!'"
(4)
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😉

"Never sign up for a class called 'Boot Camp'!
It has nothing to do with shoe shopping!"
(3)
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🤓

"I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
(2)
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🦷🦷🦷

"Dear Colgate,

Now that you have added salt and lemon,
let us know when you add tequila,
so we can brush 6 times a day."
(2)
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😋

"Why can't I be comforted by carrots? Why does it have to be chocolate and donuts?"
(5)
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🙂

"I save my carbs for alcohol.
It's called prioritizing."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Most people don't act stupid...it's the real thing."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Verdict:
You're a moron."
(1)
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🤯

"No, no, I'm listening. It just takes me a minute to process so much stupid all at once."
(2)
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🙂🙂

"Does not play well with stupid people."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"I hate when
a couple argues in public
and I missed the beginning
and don't know whose side I'm on."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"A recent study has found that
women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than the men who mention it."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Best lie you heard was
eat all your food so you can be big and strong...
...now look at you...
...just big."
(2)
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❤️🙂

Man:
So I'm lying there, and she says to me, "Let me ask you this -"
And I said, "What?"
And she said, "If could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
And I said, "No."
She said, "Forget it then."
(0)
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❤️🙂

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”
(1)
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Answer,
Because you are mispronouncing it.
The "a" is not pronounced, so is not a syllable.

Silly, huh?
(1)
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🤪🤯

“Why are there five syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’?”
(1)
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🙂

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
(1)
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Answer,
Ask the stewardess: "Has this plane ever been to Cuba?"
They will land at the nearest airport.
(1)
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🤓

"How do you get off a non-stop flight?"
(1)
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Answer, Lol.
Stay out of danger!
(1)
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❤️🙂

“What are you supposed to do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
(2)
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