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Ha! I like the food poisoning!

My elderly great aunt, a prim and interesting character, used to invoke sympathy by telling how she’d been widowed three times. Her first husband got food poisoning from a tuna sandwich. Her second husband got food poisoning from a tuna sandwich.

“What an awful coincidence! And your third husband?”

He died of a blow to the head after refusing to eat his tuna sandwich.

She loved to occasionally shock people and watch their reactions. She was a bit like Ruth Gordon in Harold and Maude.
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🙂

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’ll use it.”
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❤️

“Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”
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❤️🙂

“I have a watch that’s 3 hours in advance, but I’ve never been able to fix it. So I moved from LA to NY.”
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🙂

“I’m actually writing a short-story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.”
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❤️

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
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🙂

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’ll use it.”
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🙂

“Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”
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❤️🙂

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
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❤️🙂

“Little toe: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
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❤️🙂

“They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.”
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🙂

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”
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🤓

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.”
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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It was my birthday and I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room, let them fight it out.
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Young at heart, old everywhere else
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I have been to the top of Mount Everest several times. I was sitting on my sofa, watching TV.
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So it's settled: I have all the responsibility, and you have all the freaking nerve
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The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove they aren't a robot
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Way, I have a Dyson Animal, which disassembles conveniently for cleaning. Or I get thin scissors in the groove of the roller and cut it out. Longest hair is now a tie between my elder daughter and my husband. Both past their waists. We cut and donate once in a while.
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Anabanana ,

Does the vacuum roller break , get stuck?
I have to take mine apart every so often . My daughter’s long hair would wrap around the ends so the brush wouldn’t turn .
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We’re a family of longhairs so much of my cleaning involves wrangling tumbleweeds of human, dog and cat hair. The rolling brush on the vacuum looks like a giant hair curler.
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Geaton,
The funniest stories are real.
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@sendhelp... haha! I grew up an only child to a single Mom (and her 2 sisters) and our house was sterile-clean then. I have a husband, 3 (now adult) sons and a shedding dog for many years. After my sons moved out and recently my 16-yr old totally incontinent dog laid to rest, I still can't believe that my house stays clean for 2 days in a row now! Back during the chaos of raising kids, I never cleaned my house until *after* the guests left! My eldest lived with us after high school and worked in landscaping. I never allowed him to enter the house wearing his work clothes or boots. He had to hose them off outside before I'd even allow him to put them in my washer. We secretly called him Pigpen.
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A Clean Home
If you are anything like me, and you absolutely hate having a dirty home,
especially dirty floors, I am about to give you the best advice ever.

It's not really that hard to have and maintain a clean home that meets your standards. There is just a few rules that you will have to enforce in your life.

Basically, don't ever have a husband, don't have children, don't have pets.

I know what you are thinking. I already have those things.
It is never too late to get rid of them.


.

I know, I know! Some of you won't think this is a joke.
Shame on you.
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Motherhood is the cinderella story in reverse.
You start out wearing the beautiful gown,
but end up cleaning everyone's messes.
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On Mother's Day
It's sad when you're sitting around waiting for someone to make dinner,
and then you realize, you're are the Mom.
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On Mother's Day
A Mother asked to switch seats on a plane because she was seated next to a crying baby.
Apparently, that does not work if the baby is yours.
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A Mother
"There's nothing like being told I'm wrong by someone who depended on me for food, clothing, and shelter."
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Bundle of joy, the longer minute: When the bathroom’s occupant says “I’ll just be a minute!”
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