My mom moved into MC early March (she was on waitlist) when my dad broke his hip at the end of Feb. We were SO blessed because a slot became available at the right time. Thankfully, dad’s rehab was on same property as MC, so they were able to spend time and eat meals together. It was a very smooth transition overall and my mom hasn’t complained about being there (she’s stage 5 dementia, incontinence starting to become an issue). She has safety, structure, socialization….things that were lacking in her own home. My dad wants to pull her out: he’s lonely and keeps projecting his own feelings as to why she needs to leave (it’s a prison, I’d be going out of my mind, I hated being in rehab staring at the same 4 walls, it’s a money grab…). He won’t acknowledge that she is doing well there (and he visits her often so he sees her interact with staff/residents, she likes the people!!). My only sibling (out of state) and I have had very honest and blunt conversations with him about why it would be disastrous if she went home (not just for her well-being but his…he has a-fib, terrible hearing and will be 85 in July). He gets defensive and angry. He won’t educate himself on dementia and what’s to come. He never called any of the resources I provided for in-home care, housekeeping etc. when my mom was still at home. I’ve done all of the legwork, research, etc to find this facility, and it’s a good one. I know it’s $$$, but it’s our best option right now. I told him if he pulls her, he’s on his own. My stress level is through the roof with the prospect of her returning home. I know he can do this legally. I love my parents…but I will not be part of this impending train wreck if he goes through with it. I’ve reached out to his siblings to talk to him, I know he’s upset and hurt, but he’s not prioritizing her safety with his reasoning (yes, definite denial there). My mom will be affected the most if this happens, that’s not fair to her.
I’m grateful for any advice or words of wisdom. Thank you…I’ve read many posts and I’m astounded at some of the situations you’re dealing with. You all have my deepest respect and admiration. 🩷
Who is shopping, cooking and cleaning for Dad now? He's got too much spare time to get into trouble because he's bored and lonely. Here's something to try...tell Dad your brilliant idea:
He needs a hired "cook" to come make him dinner and chat with him at least 3 days a week. Plus a housekeeper to come once a week and tidy the house up and do his laundry. That way his needs are reasonably met, and he has 2 extra people keeping an eye on him, just in case.
Or he can move to the same facility and be near Mom daily.
Third, report "Unsafe discharge" to the facility if he is talking to them about bringing her home. Let the administration know that Dad has no help to take care of Mom, and is unable to take care of her and their home himself. Ask them how to prevent Dad from taking her home. They will have medical records from when he was in rehab. They might even have done a MoCA.
As everyone else says, Dad isn't thinking what is best for Mom; his perspective is what he wants. What he can't have is to turn back the clock a few years to when they were comfortable together.
When you tell him "if he pulls her, he's on his own", that is subtly giving him permission for that option. DO NOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN! You already know your mother will be adversely affected by such a move! And it could be disastrous, and end in a matter of months, with you searching for another Care home option for her! Please consider re-homing dad in a room on the same property, if that is possible! Some have more independent living options, attached to the same property. He will be happier if he can be near her and see her daily.
just say the fixtures have advised the centre is the best place for mum and you can’t look after her as her needs require. Mum needs specialised care now -
you can visit more often but her returning home is not an option so please do not raise it again
of he does you leave the room
go make cup of tea
he can’t I’m sure at 84 warrant tgat he’s visible if looking after her
can finances put him into sane location?
if not then you can’t pander to his whims - leave earlier and keep saying you have a migraine
maybe the message will go in ?
maybe he needs a hobby
our local church has coffee mornings
i do ballroom dancing and pass pensioners corner playing sone kind of cards - maybe explore something fur him to do ?
Does your Dad still drive? Can he physically go get her? Does he have other family, friends or neighbors who you think he'd call to help? If so, I would preemptively call them and warn them to make excuses why they can't help him (or think of something they can say so they're not put on the spot).
When he starts talking to you about it, redirect the conversation to something neutral and unrelated. Keep redirecting the topic and refuse to engage in it.
More info would be helpful.
Good luck, and I admire your decision to remove yourself from the impending train wreck. Stay strong and don't let dad harm mom. You are so lucky that she's happy where she is, and no old goat of a husband should take that from her just because he wants what he wants. Ugh.