My mom moved into MC early March (she was on waitlist) when my dad broke his hip at the end of Feb. We were SO blessed because a slot became available at the right time. Thankfully, dad’s rehab was on same property as MC, so they were able to spend time and eat meals together. It was a very smooth transition overall and my mom hasn’t complained about being there (she’s stage 5 dementia, incontinence starting to become an issue). She has safety, structure, socialization….things that were lacking in her own home. My dad wants to pull her out: he’s lonely and keeps projecting his own feelings as to why she needs to leave (it’s a prison, I’d be going out of my mind, I hated being in rehab staring at the same 4 walls, it’s a money grab…). He won’t acknowledge that she is doing well there (and he visits her often so he sees her interact with staff/residents, she likes the people!!). My only sibling (out of state) and I have had very honest and blunt conversations with him about why it would be disastrous if she went home (not just for her well-being but his…he has a-fib, terrible hearing and will be 85 in July). He gets defensive and angry. He won’t educate himself on dementia and what’s to come. He never called any of the resources I provided for in-home care, housekeeping etc. when my mom was still at home. I’ve done all of the legwork, research, etc to find this facility, and it’s a good one. I know it’s $$$, but it’s our best option right now. I told him if he pulls her, he’s on his own. My stress level is through the roof with the prospect of her returning home. I know he can do this legally. I love my parents…but I will not be part of this impending train wreck if he goes through with it. I’ve reached out to his siblings to talk to him, I know he’s upset and hurt, but he’s not prioritizing her safety with his reasoning (yes, definite denial there). My mom will be affected the most if this happens, that’s not fair to her.
I’m grateful for any advice or words of wisdom. Thank you…I’ve read many posts and I’m astounded at some of the situations you’re dealing with. You all have my deepest respect and admiration. 🩷
Good luck, and I admire your decision to remove yourself from the impending train wreck. Stay strong and don't let dad harm mom. You are so lucky that she's happy where she is, and no old goat of a husband should take that from her just because he wants what he wants. Ugh.
Does your Dad still drive? Can he physically go get her? Does he have other family, friends or neighbors who you think he'd call to help? If so, I would preemptively call them and warn them to make excuses why they can't help him (or think of something they can say so they're not put on the spot).
When he starts talking to you about it, redirect the conversation to something neutral and unrelated. Keep redirecting the topic and refuse to engage in it.
More info would be helpful.