Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I’m sorry for your loss. My dad died at home after a long journey with Alz. It was a horrible experience and while he stayed in the home without stay in a facility, I still can’t justify the toll it took. My cousin died in Memory Care and she died peacefully. She was placed there because that was the level of care she needed. I was glad I was able to do that. We do the best we can based in our resources and abilities.
Have you considered grief counseling? I’m looking into it now. My dad died in July. For some reason it still seems unreal. Best wishes with everything.
Please, please explore grief counseling - both individual and group ( like GriefShare, etc.) Individual grief counseling saved my life when I was in the thick of grief over losing my Mom and Dad. My Dad died of colon cancer ( horrible, painful home death) and my Mom in the hospital ( 6 years of decline - several years with me taking care of her, in rehab for a few weeks, and then finally dying of liver/heart failure in the hospital. There were so many BIG feelings, so many experiences I needed to talk through, process and accept. I suffered from compulsive thoughts, deep depression and most probably PTSD. I used ALL the resources available to me and recommended by those who walked the path before me - family, friends, grief counselor, grief support groups, reading, and above all, God, to give me strength to feel it and walk through it. When you are "in" grief, you can't think clearly, you are often scared to "feel" because of the fear it will overwhelm and engulf you. I learned over many, many months, that the only way to get to the other side of grief is to walk through it - no matter how long or how painful ...only by going into the pain and darkness can they lose their grip on you...and the darkness fades to let light in. Please don't take the journey alone - walk it with a trained, empathetic, seasoned grief counselor - it makes all the difference between existing and living again - I promise.
It was her time, and you had no control over that! No need to feel guilty, especially that you didn't keep her at home. Her needs were such that you couldn't care for her as well as a team of professionals could. That's what she needed, and wishing it had been you who passed accomplishes nothing. And what if that had happened? Mom would be all alone now, sick and dying, and without you.
Logic, unfortunately, makes no sense to us when we are deeply depressed. Please seek grief counseling so you can start feeling better. Mom wouldn't want you to be so sad! I hope you find the care you need, and I wish you luck as you move forward in your (very important) life.
Like Alva often says, you have nothing to feel “guilty” about, what you really feel is grief that this all happened. You did the best you could at the time. Many of us, and many many times, ‘wish we could have done more’, even if it’s more study for exams or running faster to catch the bus. We can’t forsee the future, and you did the best you could. How ever it worked out, you should be proud of what you did.
Gina, please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved mother. I hope as you grieve you are comforted by wonderful memories of her and the love you shared.
Please call 988, the suicide helpline if you're feeling suicidal. Then seek out grief counseling. Grief Share is free and meets throughout the year at different places so you can Google to see where one is close to you. Please know that your mom would not want you to feel any guilt as she knew that you did everything you could to help her. Plus she had an incurable disease where death is the final outcome, and nothing you could have said or done any differently would have made a difference. So go make your mom proud and continue to live this one life you've been given, and start with some good therapy. God bless you.
If you want to truly help yourself, the first step is stop acting like a martyr. You don't wish it was you instead. You feel guilty and shameful because your mother died in a memory care facility. Combine those feelings with grief and mourning and now you've put yourself in a place you can't pull yourself out of.
I'm going to throw you a a lifeline here. I want you to sit down in a quiet place with NO interruptions (turn the phone off, no tv, no other people), then think clearly without emotion or opinions clouding your judgment, about the reasons why your mother was put into memory care. List the reasons down on paper.
After you have done this read that list and save it. I am certain there were good reasons why your mother had to be put into memory care. You are one person and can't work miracles. I have a LONG experience in homecare and have told many families just like you the same thing I'm telling you when they had to place a loved one in residential care and were beating themselves up with guilt about it. They could not care for their loved one anymore themselves. They had responsibilities to their own families, spouses, homes, and jobs. That's reality. So they did what their loved one needed which is usually different from what they wanted. That's done out of love.
Even people who don't have to work and can become care slaves 24/7/365 to a needy elder with dementia can't keep that going indefinitely and they shouldn't try to. In such cases the caregiver themselves (in about half the cases) dies before the person they're enslaved to. Memory care facilities, nursing homes, and assisted living facilities stay in business because people need them. There's no shame in having to place a loved one. I knew family caregivers who had been at it 24/7 for over a decade and then some. It wasn't maybe a couple years like they thought it would be and then their elderly loved one passes away at home. More than ten years. That's a life sentence in some states.
Take some time for yourself and grieve your mother's death. Don't grieve for doing what was right and putting her into residential care when she needed to be there.
Please seek help from a good cognitive in-person therapist. The words you tell your own brain have great power, and form habitual paths through the brain that don't allow you to move forward. The loss of a parent is inevitable. It is a part of life. And pain on such a loss means there was great love. You need now to focus on at least some of the positives. Your use of the word guilt is somewhat of a pet peeve of mine. There are definitions for words and guilt requires that you CAUSED pain and that you did it with EVIL purpose and that you REFUSED to fix it, when that was in your power. None of that applies to you, does it. You need now to use a better word for what you are going through. Grief is a word that seems appropriate. You didn't cause and couldn't fix it. You have my condolences. I am 83 and have been without my wonderful wonderful mom for many years. I would do her no honor to thing of her, and of all our wonderful memories, with sadness. And I assure you that your mom, like my own, will ALWAYS be with you. Again, heart out to you in this sad time. It comes to us all in life.
My mom died in Memory Care too, but I feel no guilt, only relief that her suffering has ended and she's at perfect peace now with God finally. Why are you torturing yourself like this, may I ask? Your mother had dementia which means she was terminally ill, in Memory Care or at home.
Please call 988 if you feel suicidal. Find grief counseling if you don't. But realize that death is merciful to a dementia patient. It's normal and ok to miss our moms, but its not ok to want to join them before our time.
Wishing you clarity and peace of mind with moms passing.
I think when someone we love passes, most of us will feel guilt for one reason or another. We could have been there more, or we could have done more to help. Or maybe something that was said or not said enough. Don't let your mind do that to you. Go talk with someone. You will feel so much better. My father has lived with me for the past 9 months, and I'm losing my mind. I wish he could afford to live in a facility where I can visit him a few times a week. We're not getting the quality time together, because I have to be caregiver, laundry service, chef, manage medication and appointments, etc... And I know when he passes, I will feel guilty for wanting him in a facility. I will definitely go talk to someone.
What more do you think you could have done? The only thing that could help her would be the ability to turn back time. You didn't make her old or sick so what are you guilty of?
I felt this. It's mom, of course. My mom passed in the hospital, and I felt awful. I felt I didn't do enough. Felt I didn't visit enough. Actually, I'd done all I could and I'm sure you did, too. Don't beat yourself up. Of course, you're grieving and that is understandable. Give yourself time. It will ease up in time. (HUGS).
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Have you considered grief counseling? I’m looking into it now. My dad died in July. For some reason it still seems unreal. Best wishes with everything.
Logic, unfortunately, makes no sense to us when we are deeply depressed. Please seek grief counseling so you can start feeling better. Mom wouldn't want you to be so sad! I hope you find the care you need, and I wish you luck as you move forward in your (very important) life.
Thinking of you.
Then seek out grief counseling. Grief Share is free and meets throughout the year at different places so you can Google to see where one is close to you.
Please know that your mom would not want you to feel any guilt as she knew that you did everything you could to help her. Plus she had an incurable disease where death is the final outcome, and nothing you could have said or done any differently would have made a difference.
So go make your mom proud and continue to live this one life you've been given, and start with some good therapy.
God bless you.
I'm going to throw you a a lifeline here. I want you to sit down in a quiet place with NO interruptions (turn the phone off, no tv, no other people), then think clearly without emotion or opinions clouding your judgment, about the reasons why your mother was put into memory care. List the reasons down on paper.
After you have done this read that list and save it. I am certain there were good reasons why your mother had to be put into memory care. You are one person and can't work miracles. I have a LONG experience in homecare and have told many families just like you the same thing I'm telling you when they had to place a loved one in residential care and were beating themselves up with guilt about it. They could not care for their loved one anymore themselves. They had responsibilities to their own families, spouses, homes, and jobs. That's reality. So they did what their loved one needed which is usually different from what they wanted. That's done out of love.
Even people who don't have to work and can become care slaves 24/7/365 to a needy elder with dementia can't keep that going indefinitely and they shouldn't try to. In such cases the caregiver themselves (in about half the cases) dies before the person they're enslaved to. Memory care facilities, nursing homes, and assisted living facilities stay in business because people need them. There's no shame in having to place a loved one. I knew family caregivers who had been at it 24/7 for over a decade and then some. It wasn't maybe a couple years like they thought it would be and then their elderly loved one passes away at home. More than ten years. That's a life sentence in some states.
Take some time for yourself and grieve your mother's death. Don't grieve for doing what was right and putting her into residential care when she needed to be there.
The words you tell your own brain have great power, and form habitual paths through the brain that don't allow you to move forward.
The loss of a parent is inevitable. It is a part of life. And pain on such a loss means there was great love. You need now to focus on at least some of the positives.
Your use of the word guilt is somewhat of a pet peeve of mine.
There are definitions for words and guilt requires that you CAUSED pain and that you did it with EVIL purpose and that you REFUSED to fix it, when that was in your power.
None of that applies to you, does it.
You need now to use a better word for what you are going through. Grief is a word that seems appropriate. You didn't cause and couldn't fix it.
You have my condolences. I am 83 and have been without my wonderful wonderful mom for many years. I would do her no honor to thing of her, and of all our wonderful memories, with sadness. And I assure you that your mom, like my own, will ALWAYS be with you.
Again, heart out to you in this sad time. It comes to us all in life.
Please call 988 if you feel suicidal. Find grief counseling if you don't. But realize that death is merciful to a dementia patient. It's normal and ok to miss our moms, but its not ok to want to join them before our time.
Wishing you clarity and peace of mind with moms passing.
My mom passed in the hospital, and I felt awful. I felt I didn't do enough. Felt I didn't visit enough. Actually, I'd done all I could and I'm sure you did, too. Don't beat yourself up. Of course, you're grieving and that is understandable.
Give yourself time. It will ease up in time. (HUGS).