95 year old who is fighting to stay alive as long as possible.

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95 year old who is fighting to stay alive as long as possible.

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95 year old parent who is blind, practically deaf. recently hospitalized for compression fracture has now made it back to assisted living. He complains everyday of pain, says he is not hungry but is forcing himself to eat because "he knows he needs it". He complains of no energy. Waits till I get there to shave him with his electric shaver because he doesn't have the energy. Yet, he manages to go outside each day to get sunshine because he doesn't want to be pale like other "old" people. He tells me that he couldn't eat if I didn't come feed him...still, he eats very little and complains of no appetite But, is so concerned about his physical appearance. I'm at a loss. I don't know if he is fading, or just wanting me there more.,

Assisted Living Burnout Dad Family Caregiver Mental Health

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You need to start not showing up every day. You have no obligation and it is more than past the time for you to get back to your life. He could live another 5-10 years and you will regret the time you lost with your husband. Stop letting him manipulate you and ROB you of your peace of mind and time for yourself. You are not responsible for pampering him like a spoiled child. Other people that are already getting paid can do that.

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Reply to ShirleyDot

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Agree. But you don’t have to justify you can’t be there just to choose between a husband vs being there for old selfish father. The OP deserves to have a life for herself. To take of her self and needs first ( assuming no minor children, then they come first until age 18). Husband is an adult, he can take care of himself. If he is the partner she deserves, he would be supportive of her not visiting old father more than once a month and going with her for short visits and then they, husband and wife go for a nice dinner afterwards. Old father gets the care he needs from the facility and staff he is paying for or hire additional support with his money. If he changes his tune and is more appreciative and agreeable towards daughter, maybe she comes an extra day to visit or her and husband bring takeout to eat with dad or watch part of a game or walk with him around the facility or garden or organize his closet or bring him some nice bath products or reading material or snacks or whatever. If he chooses to remain demanding and manipulative, well, you reap what you sow, as someone told my mother a long time ago. She never understood. When you are the one that needs the help, you swallow your pride and become agreeable and appreciative and accepting of what others can do. Or, no one helps. They are not obliged and you can not command them. Control is a big part of dysfunctional family relationships. That’s why many people walk away.

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If you are tired take care of yourself first. If he is in a facility, aides can shave him. It is part of the training.

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Reply to Scampie1

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You have allowed your father to take advantage of you all this time to the detriment of not only your health, but your marriage and well being too.
How very sad that you've allowed this manipulation to continue and from what I've read in your replies you seem to have no intention of stopping the nonsense.
So I'm not sure I can say anything you'll listen to, other than to say that it's WAY past time that you put your big girl panties on and decide to put yourself, your husband and marriage before your manipulative father before it's you that dies before he does an unhappy, unfulfilled woman.
You deserve SO much better!!!

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Reply to funkygrandma59

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You are 100% correct and I know it. It helps to hear someone else say it. I'm going to try to get a grip on the situation or end up in the looney bin.
Thank you for responding!

(4)

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Use his funds to pay a staff member to shave him. Let him eat or not eat based on his own efforts and appetite. Accept that his living or leaving this earth is not something controlled by your actions or lack of actions. Visit when it’s convenient for you and keep the conversation light and positive. I wish you peace

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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thanks for the input, but you have NO Idea. He still has his mind 100% and the guilt I have dealt with all my life is still rampant. Yeah, I could do as you say, but.... unless you've been here, you would know that I can't.

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My mother is also a narcissist. Today she told me because I missed two visits in two months (I visit 8 times a month usually) I was just like the other relatives that almost never visited. One visit I missed was because my son graduated high school. The other my husband was ill with a virus and I didn't want mom to catch it. Mom knew both of these reasons but still wanted to let me know it was not OK I missed two visits. You CAN NOT let a narcissist call the shots. Walk away. Let the facility deal with him. Visit as little as you want to. Take a vacation and do NOT apologize to your dad for it. You deserve to be happy, not manipulated by a toxic father. Your dad is not one of a kind. There are many just like him. He just wants you and everyone else to think he is one of a kind. My mom is the same way. Start watching Surviving Narcissism on Youtube by Dr. Les. It has helped me so much! Get the book Boundaries as well. Stand strong and don't let him rule your life. Don't try to get his approval or acceptance or apology. That will never happen.

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Reply to JustAnon

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Also Jerry Wise, getting narcissistic parents out of you. And Lindsay Gibson, adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents and disentangling. There is so much to learn. Some is easy and obviously recognizable. The harder work begins when you work on yourself, because they will never change. They don’t see any reason to change and/ or their personality disorder is overlaid by aging related changes. I have learned not to compare my experiences to healthy families with emotionally mature adults and good enough parents. That was not my experience. Take care of yourself first, you are as important as any elder parent or anyone else. Dysfunctional behavior and emotional immaturity is often passed down from generation to generation. I have not had much family support. Hopefully you are more fortunate but be prepared. This site is very reliable and in my experience, solid advice.

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The staff should shave him. It should be part of his care.

He is 95 and needs you more than you need him. What is he going to do to you at 95 in care? You need to call his bluff. You need to show that you are no longer going to put up with his stuff. Your life is not his. When he complains about no visitors tell him its because he is a miserable old man. Walk out of the room or leave the facility when he gets started. Look up "Grey Rocking" and use it. Treat him like you would a child.

There are people on this site that have been thru the same thing as you. Finally, they say enough is enough. There is a Christain based book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud read it.

A member on the forum said that "Honor your Father and Mother" does not mean you must care for them. It means that you Honor them by being a good person.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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Anikaa, senior facilities have plenty of selfish, narcissistic residents who tell their children how miserable they are, but the staff and other visitors see that the complainers are just fine, some even thriving, when the children aren't there. Your responses (thanks for taking the time, a lot of people don't) make it clear that your father is one of these.

Stop letting your father manipulate you. If he's hungry, he'll eat, whether you're there or not. If he chooses not to, that's his choice. If he can't or won't shave or let the staff shave him, he grows a beard. Making you shave him every day is ridiculous.

I can't emphasize enough, it is time for you and your husband to enjoy your retirement together. 72 and no vacations together since 2019? I'm sorry to be blunt, but that is extremely unfair to your husband. You are going to have so many regrets if, once you are finally free of your father's demands, you or your husband will have had declines in your health that prevent you from being able to do the pleasant things that you and he DESERVE, all because you felt the need to cater to a selfish old man.

RIGHT NOW, ask your husband where he'd like to go, sit down in front of your computers, and BOOK a trip of at least a week. Whether an inexpensive driving trip or a luxury cruise, whatever fits your budget, just do it now. Don't tell your dad until the day before you leave, and then just say, see you in a week, I look forward to seeing how handsome your new beard will look.

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Reply to MG8522

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This! I spent five years dealing with my nonagenarian parents who at the end of the day were ungrateful and unappreciative of my and my sisters' efforts to help them age in place in their home. Lots of plans were on the back burner because I figured we'd do them when they were finally gone which I expected in a year or two. My mother died three years into my slog but my father is still lingering in a state of decrepitude in a nursing home at age 97. No end in sight.

My 75 y/o husband was diagnosed with heart failure recently and while it is not bad it is never going to get better, only worse in time.

I regret all the sacrifice I made for my parents. Maybe if I had received one thank you at some point my feelings right now would be different. But the way I look at it is that my husband and I were cheated out of a large chunk of time when he was well and we could have done more of the things we wished we could have done.

I'm carrying a lot of bitterness around about it. I hope it eventually goes away.

OP should take note and put her husband first.

(5)

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Staff should be shaving him and taking care of other aspects of ADL's that he can no longer manage.
Are you saying that if you did not come and feed him he would not eat?
Stop feeding him.
If he is hungry he will eat. If he is "fighting to stay alive as long as possible" he will not starve himself to death. (someone that wants to live will not voluntarily stop eating and drinking)
I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that he wants you there more.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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They should but they don't. He eats "as best as he can" when I'm not there. NO! He will not starve himself to death. He is too determined to live until the end of time (his words). I know he is playing me and I'm so exhausted.

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OP - Please find a therapist for support and who can help you overcome how this incredibly disfunctional relationship has warped your sense of self. Narcissistic parents can really damage their children and sadly, the damage continues even after they die. Their critical voice will still be in your head, telling you that you aren’t good enough, don’t deserve to rest, etc. The cycle is very hard to break but you need to break it or you will never be free. We can tell you a hundred times that you don’t deserve this treatment, but you’ll continue to go back and try to earn his approval and love. Patterns formed over 7 decades are hard to break alone. With dysfunction that runs this deep, you may need to stop seeing him completely to detox, and no one likes to detox which is why so many people fall off the wagon.

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Reply to ShirleyDot

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Mattcizmo, Do you work in LTC facility because my RN daughter does. And she will tell you her residents are not all adorable. My Dad was a loveable Curmudgeon. You either liked him or didn't and she was the apple of his eye. She said he got her ready for those other Curmudgeons she cared for.

Some elders are manipulative like the one in this post. There is no way I would have shaved my Dad when there is staff to do it. If he was capable of feeding himself, I would not be doing it.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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I understand that I cannot hold an elderly person who is likely suffering from dementia in one form or another and memory loss, and other issues, accountable for their actions. That is rule #1 for me. I can understand needing your parent to interact with you in a loving and kind way, but I am training myself to let all negative comments roll off of my back. If I have a good interaction with my mom, that is a bonus. But expecting it to happen is a huge mistake, and completely selfish on my part. She cannot help the fact that her cognition is declining. As an RN at work, I have been trained to treat all of my patients with respect regardless of how they behave. Its not always easy but once you get the hang of it, it makes life much easier.

95 year old who is fighting to stay alive as long as possible.

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