I live in NY state and am a Canadian citizen. We are a small family, just my parents, older twin brothers, a SIL and some nieces and a nephew who live 2-3 hours from my parents, all of them in Ontario. Mom and Dad have always had a distant relationship with people in general and are not particularly close to my brothers. At 96 and 91 there are very few family friends left and no extended family.
Dad had several falls in the summer so I drove up and ended up staying 3 months while I got them into a nursing home together (same room). This was done with input from my siblings and once they had moved into the home I stayed in Canada and helped acclimate them to their new normal, closed their apartment, organized the removal of any furniture and other items that we siblings were not going to take. Suffice to say it was a lot of work, it was very costly for my household and once one of the bros found out that our parents would not be moving to a home nearer to him immediately, he and my SIL were upset and stopped returning my texts which obviously made an already emotional situation harder.
When the original applications were put in, my bro and SIL looked at a place 6 miles from them (they live out in the country and this place, while lovely is also rural) Unfortunately it has a 3 year wait and when I spoke to the director she told me she does not encourage couples to be in the same room. This is non-negotiable for my parents and perhaps it's something that could change but at the time we were making arrangements, decisions had to be made quickly and as a result they are now in the same community that they've lived for the last 30 years with no one nearby.
Daily I call to check on them and get the standard, 'we're not happy, we don't like the food, the doctor, the people etc etc.' Last week on one of my mom's more lucid days I asked if she wanted me to start looking for other nursing homes. She said no, that they would get use to it eventually.
On Sunday when I spoke to my dad he mentioned that my bros and SIL had visited on Saturday. (which is great but ya know what would be even better? Checking to see if my parents need anything brought to them ie. toiletries) Today it was the same old song and dance. The doctor is useless blah, blah, blah and I gently had the same conversation with my dad (she's got dementia, he's getting forgetful) about looking for other homes and his response was that my brother is already doing that. Imagine my surprise.
I'm POA, I get regular calls from the nurses w/updates, I take care of all the banking, arrange transportation to and from specialist appointments and yes, I'm the point person with the healthcare coordinator who would have to be involved in order to move my parents from one part of the province to the other.
Suffice to say I have no clue what my brother 'thinks' he's doing but without speaking to the appropriate contacts he's wasting his time and potentially annoying the director at the home closer to him. (I would love for my parents to be near him and I'm working to make that happen but duplication of work isn't going to get the job done) My brother has lost his drivers license 6 times and is always just one too many beers away from losing it again. I mention this because in the event that this happens it puts my parents in even greater jeopardy. Brother losing his job would mean he'd lose another job since he's a mechanic and SIL's just started a business so her time is not her own. They've only recently moved to the rural location and we could very well find that my parents are in the middle of nowhere with me unable to help because I'm unfamiliar with the area & haven't any contacts that would be able to assist etc etc. Unfortunately neither my brother nor SIL are planners and so what may seem like a great idea at the time will not have been researched at all.
My brother, SIL and I are currently not at a place where making contact and discussing is an option. Feedback??
All the newer AL places had apartments in memory care consisting of one small room with a bathroom, barely large enough for a single person, let alone a married couple. I finally found a place that had converted an AL floor to memory care and I had a choice of a two bedroom, one bedroom, or efficiency apartment.
It took about 2 1/2 years to get them to go. By that time the wife was incontinent and starting to wander and needed 24 hour care. I tried that, but at $13,000. a month, needed to use the memory care apartment I had found and finally got them to move there. The wife lasted another 5 months before she could no longer swallow. The husband continues to live there now 4 years later. I was lucky and found a place that gives good care. And I am thankful they could be in a safe place and be together until she passed.
Best Regards
Cynthia
You've done everything right. Your parents are safe and cared for, and together (!). You expended a tremendous amount of time, energy, money and concern to get to this point. Obviously you couldn't wait 3 years for a placement when your parents at this advanced age.
I believe you have to step back a bit and start making sure you care for yourself. You can call your parents 3 or 4 times a week, that would be more than enough. It would probably help you to feel better if you are able to go visit them once a month or every other month-- whatever you can do, as I'm not sure of the distance you need to travel. Take some time every week to do something FUN.
As to your siblings, since they do have access to email, I would start writing a weekly note about what is going on with your parents. In that email, include their phone number and address, and you can make suggestions about what they might need, ie, what your siblings or any other extended family or friends might send to them. You can suggest they visit. Just make sure this email is objective. Have a trusted friend read it if necessary. You just want to present the facts with little to no emotion.
Definitely make yourself known to the NH and inform the director of the situation with your siblings.
Wishing you all the best luck as you go through this difficult journey.
Fortunately the staff and I are in regular contact; unfortunately the staff have seen and heard so little from my brothers that they were under the impression I'm an only child. (I suppose that says a lot about how much my parents discuss their sons and grandchildren.)
Thank you so much for the well wishes, back at ya :-))
"said" he was relocating them. Cut the drama. If you have POA you call the shots.
Are your parents in a NH or Retirement home? - if NH then the CCAC has a hand in where they go & will only talk with the POA - but if in a retirement home then stress to the director who had the POA papers
Has the POA been fully enacted? with a doctor declaring [on a 'Certificate of Incapability' from Service Canada] that they are no longer capable of taking care of their own decisions - if so then bro has no legal right to interfere with their arrangements & can be barred if he continues - if not then look into getting that paperwork done ASAP
Parents are in a NH and I have several contacts at CCAC. I'm comforted that my brother really can't do much except annoy the director at the facility near him and get my parents hopes up.
First thing tomorrow I'll be speaking with the CCAC coordinator and yes the NH has the POA on file. As an fyi it's a Continuing POA where each parent and I are jointly named on behalf of the other parent. (hope I'm wording that correctly)
It sounds like it's time for me to speak to the doctor about a Certificate of Incapability. thanks for the tip
I have twice gone through situation where siblings swooped in, often conspiring with worker who was padding her bills or outright stole from the parents. Yet twice they succeeded in getting POA changed, last time was 6 weeks before Mom died. So beware, this stuff happens.
Number one rule of dealing with an alcoholic, if you really want to make them angry, mess with their version of reality!
I would contact the NH near them and discuss your concerns. Maybe they have suggestions for help if you did move them and he was unreliable, as is likely to be the case. Send them documetation that you are POA.
I am a little confused. You used to live in NY ( resident alien) & now everyone is in Canada. Make sure Documents done in US are redone or certified by a judge in Canada. The 2 country situation makes things difficult.
Also see if there is a Center on Adding or a church or non-profit that had volunteers who can visit your parents. It is important to have a fresh second set of eyes. Sometimes NH staff/ doctors are neglegent, or put parents where no one is actually checking in, in person, are lower priority, or their concerns are not taken seriously. Sometimes their concerns are valid..even with dementia!
Please alert the current Home of your brother’s Intentions. Your parents may not know the best way to say “no” to your brother about moving.
At their age, I would not move your parents further away from you! Honestly, I wouldn’t move them at all. Your brother would be unable to cover any additional expense or emergency decisions without your approval unless you are willing to completely turn over POA ability to him. As you stated, his history would not give most families or professionals very much confidence in his ability to adequately caring out the duties and responsibilities of the POA!.
Your job job as POA would be a nightmare if you live so far away! The sibling closest to one’s parents is often the best scenario.
I was POA and executor for my mother after my dad died and my sisters became furious and vindictive once they realized they couldn’t control me or mom’s situation. My sisters have gone through 4 lawyers and wasted over $100,000 of money in the estate by continually threatening lawsuits. Mom died exactly one year ago this week and the two sisters are still trying to sue for the most mundane issues. Needless to say, our family has been forever fractured.
I am currently going through what you described in your last paragraph (I'm POA, vindictive sisters, etc) and it's the most horrible thing. My dad does not have a lot of money and I very carefully and creatively was keeping him in his home, but since they've started a court case his funds are dwindling and he will be on welfare within a year at this rate.
Ironically, their case also caused him to lose state services (they called APS and this was the result) so he's now paying more for care, plus an agency appointed by APS recommends my father to move to assisted living, which all the sisters are adamatley opposed to (despite the evidence that he can't afford to stay in his home and that THEIR case is what brought the professional recommendation).
I'd love to hear any tips you have for curtailing the madness.
Thanks!
I also would question whether this is truly happening. Did you ask the nursing home if your brother visited? If he did, try to focus on the fact that he visited and cares. You clearly, and rightfully, do not trust him. However, you have the legal control.
My mil lives next door to us and has dementia. My husband has POA and we both take care of her. His siblings are scattered but one lives in town. He refuses to help. None of them speak to one another. I feel very sad for my husband because I am afraid once his mother is gone, we will have absolutely no contact with two of the three siblings. After living in the situation for seven years, and having my brother in law tell me 1) He is not his mother's caregiver, nor my respite care and 2) My husband always does exactly what he wants with his mother and nothing he says or does will change the situation, I have come to realize my husband likes being in charge of his mom and likes things the way they are AND his siblings have no say in the care of their mother and resent that. So, this situation will continue the way it is and I hope, for my husband's sake, he does have a relationship with his family once his mom passes. I tell you this because I feel you are in the same situation. My husband's oldest sibling is difficult and manipulative so I will be happy to have no more contact with her but the others are good siblings. He will miss them if there is a falling out. I think you need to think about whether you will want a relationship with your brothers when your parents pass. You did explore the nursing home close by to your brothers so that is a wonderful gesture. You might give them monthly updates as I am sure the nursing home is not permitted to do this.
You are doing an awesome job of taking care of your parents. They are well cared for and in a safe place. You have done your job. They will get used to this home and I am sure they would not like the other home at first. That one may seem nice to your parents because they would have family near by. However, it is not an option. It has a waiting list and the couples not sharing a room is non negotiable. It might help if you remind your brother of those issues.
Good luck to you! Your parents are lucky to have you! You were chosen as POA for a reason.
This all sounds too familiar. I was in charge of everything for my Mom when she went into nursing care. The lead up to the nursing care, the time she was in nursing care and the aftermath when she passed. Occasionally my siblings would pipe in with criticism and unhelpful advice. They visited with flowers and stuffed animals, nothing useful.
My advice to you would be stick to your guns. Ignore the complaints from your parents. They could be on cloud nine and ten in heaven and most likely would find things to gripe about. That's par for the course at their age and with their conditions. Your brother sounds like he is just puffing out his chest trying to gain favor with your parents perhaps? Doubt that he will follow through with anything. Maybe do up a list of your responsibilities i.e. your parents and see how many he thinks he can handle. Most probably require a sober person who has a driving license.
Good Luck to you!
I didn't suspect there was any malicious intent initially (and I definitely can be a skeptic) until my husband and I spoke about this and he senses that this is my brother's feeble attempt at taking control of the situation and one upping me. Interestingly, in an email to my SIL I pointed out the lion's share of the work will fall on her if they move and it didn't phase her. For 7 years, each time my brother visited my parents she had to drive him since he had no license and public transportation wasn't a viable option.
I'm sure she naively thinks having my parents nearby would be easier on her although I suspect she doesn't know the amount of work involved. She's always had a strained relationship with my mother and to add to it her own parents passed in the last several years. It was her younger sister who took care of placing their parent in a facility and her younger brother that was executor I presume because she's not good with money. Ironically, my SIL worked in the finance dept at a nursing home for 10 years so you'd think she would understand how this works but either she didn't pay attention to the business she was in or she's willfully siding with my brother due to the alcoholism and his violent tendencies. (honestly I expected when she received the inheritance from her parents that she would divorce my brother, instead she foolishly bought a house that needed a large mortgage and is the proud owner of a business franchise.)
You've given me food for thought. I'll make a point of contacting the staff and confirming who is being given information about my parents. As of Christmas Day when I spoke to the staff the head nurse was under the impression that I was an only child so it's doubtful that anyone would be quick to share info.
Thanks for the response Momshelp.
He will find out that you didn't move them for lack of beds. Not because you have anything against him.
You know you will never be able to have a reasonable conversation with him, alcoholism makes that impossible, I know, my brother thinks that yelling insults and accusations is having a conversation. Not for me, I just hang up.
You have done a great job getting your parents into a facility that allows them to stay together and get the care they need. Most likely they will never be happy about it but with luck they will adjust and find some joy and happiness.
Tough job, well done!
Hugs! You will never get thanks for all you do, might as well come to terms with it now, it makes it easier.
P doesn't have any technology so communication has been between a) his wife and I via text or email or b) his twin and I although now that the contents of apartment have been divided up I notice my other brother is not keeping in touch with me as much. (as a bit of insight we are adopted from two different families so couple the same sex, same age twins vs a younger sister that lives in another country and I think you get the picture)
I bounce between wondering if my efficiency has come across as controlling (which is not the intention) and resenting that it's been left all to me. In communication between SIL and I, I was told they felt I was being selfish in my 'hurry to put your parents anywhere and go home' which of course I found insulting but still I would prefer not to take this out on my SIL (she has enough to deal with living with my violent drunk brother)
Sounds like I need to make contact with my other brother. Thanks again.
Jane