My elderly mother came to live with me two years ago from out of state. At this point, for a variety of reasons, I’m the only option remaining.
She was experiencing cognitive decline but it was overall manageable save for her routine trips to the ER that were 100% for the purpose of attention. It's far beyond my capacity to provide at this point.
I’ve had great difficulty getting her out of state Medicare plan cancelled as she won’t sign anything to do so.
The state has not been helpful. Senior care/medicare issues are outsourced to ‘non-profits’ based on region.
They’re nice but not helpful.
She needs around the clock care. I’ve explained this to hospital caseworkers and her primary care provider but I haven’t open provided any guidance.
I can no longer provide the care she either needs or requires. Senior homes will not have the discussion because her Medicare issues tied to MD and she has been unwilling to go to the social security office to update her address and was unable and/or unwilling to verify on the phone.
She feigns ignorance/confusion when I try. She won’t leave the house at all so every few months she’ll state authoritatively she needs me to call 911 and every time she tells the paramedics she’s experience stroke like symptoms. She’s never had a stroke. She knows if she says this she’ll get the attention.
Quite frankly, she neither deserves nor appreciates the efforts and one of my other siblings have made. Everyone else washed their hands decades ago.
Any advice from fellow Texans or anyone at all? Seems like it's easier to get advice in other states. I could be wrong though.
The only real options I’ve seen is to not pick her up next time she discharges from the ER and I’m not doing that. I care for her, not for her, but because I need to feel comfortable with how I conduct myself and leaving a relative, even a difficult one, at a hospital without further contact, seems overly harsh.
There's got to be another way…
Sorry for the rant.
Family members are NOT the "only option" to care for demented elders. Skilled Nursing facilities house a great number of them whose families applied for Medicaid and placed them there.
Mother no longer gets to call the shots here. You do.
Consider:
1. You're getting burned out.
2. Your thinking will keep you burned out.
3. What if you could change your thinking?
More to consider:
1. Leaving her at a hospital would get her the care she needs and you can't provide. Why, because of outdated thinking, is it better to make sure YOUR conscience is clear so YOU'LL feel better when your really sick mom is not getting what SHE clearly needs? Who is this about - you or her?
2. Leaving her at a hospital does NOT mean no further contact. It means that you are making sure she gets on the track to receive the round-the-clock care that you admit she needs. You'll still be in the picture, visiting her, encouraging her, taking her gifts, bringing her a new bathrobe.
3. She has chosen this path, and wrongly so. Her brain is broken. You couldn't convince her to do things (Medicare, Social Security) that would help. She is incompetent to handle her own affairs and will never admit it. By leaving her at the ER, you are doing what you haven't been able to do and won't be able to do; putting her in a situation where she will get help whether she likes it or not.
The "other way" is to look at the problem differently. There is nothing harsh about going in a different direction if it ultimately helps mom.
I wish you luck in navigating this difficult passage.
Sometimes we all, regardless of what we're dealing with, need to hear it from an objective third party.
Also...you were not the only option left...you were the easiest option available at the time.