90 years oldBacked out of Cremation; mother still paid for hers and is all set.Won't give any ownership to checking account.Won't talk about POA for Finances or Health.Does have a Will and Life Insurance.He lives 1500 miles away from us.He is "hurt / angry" for us dragging (which we did not) him to the bank and cremation business.Thinks his only child is going to take his money - we have plenty of money; we just want things "smoother" when the time comes.
You will get stuck with a $5,000+ cremation/funeral home costs. He's just as bad trying to stick his only child with it.
Let him pick someone else to handle it all then, if he can't "trust you."
11 hours ago
Your mother will handle the matter if he predeceases her, and if not, you'll handle his passing as you see fit. At the time. Not now.
It isn't your business if he is competent.
After saying "Dad, is there anything we should know now about important things such as wills, documents and where they are, what to do regarding banking should something happen to you? Would you like to appoint us, or anyone else--say your attorney--as springing POA in case you are temporarily incapacitated?" there is nothing you can do.
If something dire occurs you and your mother will see an elder law attorney and get documents of temporary guardianship.
To be honest, I am 83, hubby is 85, and we have already REQUESTED our children to be informed. But if we chose NOT to address that, and were competent, that would be entirely our own choice.
It is difficult to go from being a protector of your children, a support for your children to the one basically they understand is about to crump, and are concerned what to do then. Just a fact.
I only worry about the paranoia of "your getting his money". Unless he's leaving it to the dog pound of COURSE you will get it when they pass, and normally we wish that process to be eased for our children. That he doesn't means either he doesn't much like you OR he is moving into some paranoia.????? Time to have a private lunch with mom, perhaps.
As to cremation, easy enough to order when he's done. Trust me. It's one-two-three and done.
One way to get to some elderly is to tell them how much probate costs. Even if they have money, they don't like to spend it on lawyers so they are willing to set things up. You could make an appt with an estate attorney and let him speak to them privately. IN advance, you could explain his unfounded fears and ask them to help him find ways to settle his affairs without giving you full access while he is alive. His fears are real to him and it is better to act in a way that makes him feel comfortable.
You can sit down with the funeral director and have them talk you through what needs to happen and how they will access funds, etc. They can usually file the insurance claim for you.
Another option is straight with the crematorium. My father-in-law was doing great one day and unable to communicate the next so we weren't able to make advance arrangements with him. We called a crematorium and they took care of everything for $1,000 in 2022. It couldn't have been easier; the hospice company called the number they had given us, they picked him up and then emailed us some forms to fill out. My husband was an authorized user for his credit card so that handled it for us.
My mother does not wish to be cremated so I made arrangements for her, she has dementia and I have POA and am joint on her checking account. While it is easier to plan, it isn't impossible if they refuse.
I wish you peace in dealing with this, but remember he still has his own ideas about things.
You might take this time to plan your own end of life. it will keep you busy.
a lot of old peopel and young actually refuse to talk about the inevitable so maybe forget that subject and concentrate on how you can work around it. Dad i need poa on your account. I cant do anything without your consent but it saves giving your hard earned money to greedy bank fund. If you need anything then you will run it past him but it must be done.
as for funeral - once you work our how to get your nae on poa and then work out ina lighter tone about a will then unfortunately it will have to wait until the inevitable happens.
maybe youve been a bit too pragmatic about death - its a scary subject - maybe approach it ina different way. We all know we are going to die - it doesnt need to be drummed into us - find a practical way to get access - you need it for shopping - to speak to the doctors for him - they wont speak to you unless you are his official carer.
good luck
I'm in my 60s and still working. I probably will be retiring sometime in the next few years. I don't want my employer and coworkers to be unprepared when I do retire (or if something else happens to me). But I still have a negative response when my managers say, "Everyone should do a succession plan, but let's start with you two" and then name me and the other person on the team who's almost 60. Don't bury me yet!
If he is cognizant he does not "need" to name a POA. And legally if m om is cognizant she is the one that will be making decisions for him.
You can remind him ONE TIME that if something does happen (mom and) you will be making decisions based on what you know at the time and what you might think he would want.
I have to ask why you would "drag" anyone to the bank and to a funeral home/crematory ?
You may want things "smoother when the time comes" but I think you should strive for a "smoother" relationship NOW and forget about his future.
That given, if your father has dementia and is endangering his funds, you should feel free to step forward, assist in his diagnosis, and and act as his conservator or his guardian after court appointment.
You just want things smoother? So I am 83, and am dealing with my second (in my lifetime) bout of breast cancer. Guess I can expect my daughter at the house discussing my cremation at any time? Just so happens I have discussed EVERYTHING with her all my LIFE and hers because I LOVE her. So telling her what establishment will cremate me has already been discussed.
I BROUGHT THE SUBJECT UP MYSELF.
She would have never done such a thing. Her only concern is what my end of life wishes are, who will carry them out if I am unable, and how best to support me and love on me.
While you may be the kindest and most throughful son/daughter in the world, I must say that is not how you are coming across. Perhaps you should "say more". Convince me of all the love you feel for Dad, and how his end of life care is so important to you in keeping him safe, happy and comfortable.