I had to literally disassociate myself 100% from the toxicity of my parents 83 and 80. Mom in hospice at home and stepfather disabled. Myself disabled and recovering from breast cancer and major spinal surgery. Parents are cause of major CPTSD from abusive childhood. They have ABSOLUTELY no friends or family! Hospice Agency is only support system. I must move into their home. They are hoarders and I must clean a space for myself. As it is the only clean space is mother’s room because of hospice. There currently is not even a chair or space to sit or put a pocketbook down! Any advice? Are there volunteer dumpsters or laborers to help?
Please rethink it.
Call APS for your parents, and social services for yourself... There's got to be a better solution.
How I read that advice is *Hospice advises that someone capable must be present in the home FOR CARE AT HOME TO WORK.
Home is Plan A: Care in the home.
It can work BUT this depends on many factors - care team size, training, equipment, safe & sustainable working conditions.
If not practical or possible, then your folks will need to work with Hospice for a Plan B: A different type of care setting. Or Plan C happens: a crises (maybe ER/hospital). Or sometimes it moves straight to Plan D: Denial, Do nothing, Death.
No. You don't. You really don't.
You don't have to clean or do diddly squat.
I understand your mother’s wish is to die in her own home, but this is no longer possible. Most people wish this, and many or most do not get their wish.
You do not have to do what hospice says your mother needs to stay at home.
You do not have to do what your mother wishes. It is not your fault that she has no other friends or family.
You know your own mental and physical health can’t bear the consequences. So don’t do it.
APS = Adult Protective Services.
Your Mother is dying no matter what. Why sacrifice your own health and possibly life in the process?
Do not do this, they need to move into a facility. Call Adult Protective Services, they will come and evaluate their living situation.
They created their hording, not you, if they have no friends, they created this as well.
Don't compromise your life any further for them.
I mean really....what in the world are you thinking???
Or are you just trying to see who will die first, you or one of your parents? I'm not a betting person, but if I were, my money would be on you.
Tell hospice that your parents have no one able to care for them now and that they must help you find a facility to place both your parents in.
That is the ONLY logical solution to this very dysfunctional situation.
If you care even one iota about yourself and your health both physical and mental, you will stay as far away from this situation as possible.
I wish you well in getting your mom and stepfather placed ASAP.
You should not be going back to your parents. You have your own medical issues to take care of! Plus the fact that they were abusive to you and caused you CPTSD!!! When I was growing up, my father was emotionally abusive to my mother and I and this continued once I was grown. It even happens now. He is now in a facility. I think when we are abused by our parents, it causes us to think we are to care for them no matter what but this is not true. I truly believe I was headed for a breakdown but then I learned to say no. PLEASE DO NOT MOVE IN! Take care of yourself and find happiness! I still struggle to be happy because of what I went through but this forum and counseling helps.
@faithfullbeauty. 👏🙂
Are you seeking professional help? If not, do so immediately to help yourself stay strong and not be sucked into the web you tell of above. Good Luck!
You will have to report your parent's situation to the authorities and allow them to use the auspices available to place your parents in care.
Were you not ever born your parents would be receiving care. That is the care they should receive now.
To be honest it is a kind of suicidal thing to move back into this situation over which you have zero control, can do zero good, and would only harm yourself. Call your agencies on aging and report your parents' situation to them. Let them know you cannot intervene.
Are you seeing a therapist? What does he or she say about this situation?
Please don't do this to yourself. Your health issues are serious, and you are more important than your abusers. They hurt you. You shouldn't make it possible for them to hurt you again.
Tell hospice you won't be back. Tell the social worker that someone else MUST be found to manage their care. You have no responsibility to care for these people, and I wish you well as you remove yourself from their lives and take care of yourself as you MUST.
My suggestion to you is do not go back for the protection of your own safety, health and sanity.
Call APS and report two vulnerable seniors living alone at home.
Unfortunately you have to weigh her wants/wishes against her NEEDS. Is her environment safe for her to live in? Is the availability of a single, already burned out caregiver enough to sustain her desire to stay home? Can you provide for all of her needs 24/7 as they increase? Can you provide care for both her and your stepfather ALONE with your own limitations?
What do YOU wish for? Her wants do not supersede your NEEDS or her own.
If every single person who WISHED to pass at home got their wish, there would be no need for Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing.
If you want to visit them, then that should be discussed with your doctor. But even that would be better in another setting. Her home will be too triggering for you. They both should be placed. Call adult protective services as advised. You are thinking short term. One year is not long enough to recover. Mother dies then father is left there in the hoarded house. Do you plan to stay with him as well? If he is unable to feed his life partner now, how will he manage his own care? You are being manipulated. Even a mentally healthy person would be affected by this arrangement.
The fact that you are even contemplating this shows how disabled you are to even be considering such an arrangement.
And clearing that hoard will be very very stressful to them. They would be better off somewhere else when that happens.
You have to look after yourself - that is a big enough job for you. Someone else has to look after them. Let APS and any involved social workers know that you are not available to care for them. You don't have to explain or justify yourself, argue or defend yourself.
Build up your health, which is obviously suffering, and will suffer more if you get involved with their care. Put yourself first, build up a decent life apart from them. Take care of you!!! That's more than enough for you to do.
Call APS and let them handle things . You tell them you are not physically or mentally well enough to care for them . Do not attempt to do any of the cleaning up either . Do nothing .
You will destroy your health and sanity. Figure something else out.
There is no must here. You are making a choice.
Feeling internalized guilt / pressure is not a reason to move in.
Everything depends on IF you feel you deserve a quality life with boundaries to protect your own well being and health.
I could almost assure you that you will have another breakdown.
Asking about dumpsters and laborers leads me to wonder if this is a 'real' post.
Gena / Touch Matters