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My mother has Alzheimer's and dementia, and has been in a memory care facility for over a year. Her behavior has gone from bad to worse and I am afraid the facility is going to kick her out for abusing the staff and frightening other residents. Mom is docile, sweet, and kind during the day for the most part, but then Sundowner's takes over and she is abusive and combative. She is taking two anxiety drugs every day and has a PRN for anxiety she is given when she is at her worst, but that is getting to be every day now.
My parents both asked me and my husband to take care of my mother after my father died because they felt my two sisters were "unable to take care of themselves and, therefore, couldn't take care of them" and my husband and I have done our best for the past three years. My sisters who live 1000 miles away, are both emotionally unstable and their lives are train wrecks. Both are hostile towards me and have accused me of the most horrible crimes you could ever imagine, and are constantly taking me to court. The court has given me temporary guardianship of my mother, but I am at a loss as to what to do if she is kicked out of this facility. It is such a nice place and the staff is great, but they are threatening to send her to a Psych Ward if she keeps this behavior up.
My sisters want Mom to come and live with them, but I know how hard that is because she lived with us for two years after Dad died. Mom says she wants to live with family, and I am now tempted to give up and send Mom to live with them, but my parents' words keep ringing in my ears. I feel like I am giving up on fulfilling my parents' wishes, and giving in to these angry, unstable sisters' demands. I am at a loss as to what to do.

First off , has the facility she is at now tested her for a UTI ? This can make her behavior worse . They could also do some blood tests etc to R/O other things .

If she does not have a UTI etc , IF memory care says it’s necessary , Maybe the psych ward could figure out a medication regimen to work for your mother to the point where she could then go back to her memory care facility or another one .

You ARE fulfilling your promise to take care of Mom , by getting her the professional care she needs in a facility .
This is where Mom needs to be .

Your mother can not live with family . It would not be safe for her or anyone else living with her.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to waytomisery
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Lee188 Oct 2, 2024
Thank you for your reply. I am sitting at the ER right now while they are running tests to admit Mom to the Behavioral Health Center (psych ward). Praying we can find some meds to regulate her behavior.
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".. send her to a Psych Ward if she keeps this behavior up".

Look, that sounds bad, but this is not 1960. The Psych Ward is where to get the medical help to assist with 'behaviours of concern'. Wean off old meds, trial new meds, wait to assess. Tinker with meds, assess again etc. (Often a 2 week stay). This is all done under supervision.

If me, I'd rename Psych Ward to the more palatable 'Geri Mental Health Ward' & be open to it. With view to stabilise & moderate behaviour so Mom could remain living in her current place.
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Reply to Beatty
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Lee188 Oct 2, 2024
Thanks for saying that Psyche care is not what it used to be. It comforts me as I sit here in the ER waiting to admit Mom to the Behavioral Care unit.
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My mother spent 9 months in a geriatric psychiatric hospital for which I was very thankful. The staff there were great and finally got her on the meds she needed when her life had become unmanageable. I was most grateful to the doctor who got her there. It was what she needed. They have the expertise.
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Reply to golden23
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Lee188 Oct 2, 2024
Thank you for your encouragement. Today was one of the toughest of my life, checking her into the Behavior Health Unit. They were very nice, but the last question the nurse asked me as they headed through the door with Mom, was "does she have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)?" I said yes and nearly broke down right then and there, but left quickly and cried in the car. Your words help much so much. I hope Mom doesn't have to stay there long, but most importantly, I hope they can get her to a place where she can enjoy a full day and night without living with fear and anxiety.
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Please let them transfer her to the Behavioral unit where they can stabilize her on meds.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Lee188 Oct 2, 2024
Thanks for the encouragement. We are here at the ER getting ready to admit her to Behavioral Care unit. Praying we can get some help.
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Just saw your update that mom is being admitted. As hard as this may seem, I’d view it as progress. I’m a believer that those with dementia are still there, the essence of the person they are, on some level though it can’t be seen any longer. This leads me to think her sundowning extreme behaviors must be just as frightening and awful for her to experience as they are for others. I’ll be hoping right alongside you this admission leads to the right balance of meds to calm mom and help her feel better. Peace for you both
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Lee188 Oct 2, 2024
Thank you for your caring words. Peace is what I am praying for, not just for Mom, but for myself as well. I know she is living in terror much of the time, even though she is cared for so well. I am hoping that the meds will be found to help her find tranquility.
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