I am a live-in caregiver who provides 24/7 care for a relative who is 90 years old.
I cook, clean, do laundry, feed animals, do yard work, dress & shower her and chauffeur her around.
She gets $3250 a month and she pays for all the utilities.
I am given $1000 a month to buy expenses such as food, toilet paper, depends, cat-and-dog food, horse feed and hay.
Her daughter started overseeing her finances and she says "you live here rent free in return for caring for her mother".
She is the one that gives me the $1000 from her mother's account.
I feel like a modern-day slave!!!
Am I wrong for thinking I should at least have some pocket change for all that I do?
Id work out a plan with deed daughter. What does she want? Let $ daughter take care of mom. Whose animals are being taken care of by you? If they arent your animals great. I hope its $ daughter. More work for her. Less you have to do.
Go sign up for unemployment and look for programs or $ for son. I'd get your butt to unemployment ASAP. Take proof with you. See if u can get $ to say things in a text. Like are you sure you aren't gonna Pay me to take care of gmom any more ? That is a full time job. Something like that. I hope you have proof. A tear or 2 might help too.
Work out a plan with deed daughter.
Look up answering the door for anyone. Unless they have a warrant you don't have to answer it. Including police. Don't let them see you looking at them in the window. They won't come in.i know from experience. Family member went thru that. I don't think the social worker will be back. They don't like games!!! The $ daughter shot herself in the foot with that one. Keep us posted. I'd write everything down too. Dates, times, exactly what what said and done. Cy butt. Good luck.
Same with the son's great-grandma who allegedly doesn't have a POA but still has joint rights to the property.
OP can get welfare for herself as her son already has more via disability. If she wants to be on welfare that's on her but she is not employed according to either of them.
I would hence be prepared for the argument that FD will likely make. Which is that household expenses are being strained by having to take care of three people, not two. That the caregiver is distracted by having to caregive for an adult other than the one she's supposed to be there for.
Picture SW asking FD what her alternative would be. FD might well have a child or grandchild in mind for the role you are playing, and for the same reasons you are playing it.
It seems that FD and you have a siege mentality going on. You should apply immediately for food stamps and GA for you and definitely stamps for your son so the two of you can't literally be starved out, for one.
And so that you have a reasonable safety net, for two.
Once the state starts showing up in the form of social workers and case workers, they cannot be called off by a family. Once they get in a place they're in charge whether the family or the elder likes it or not.
Always try to keep the state out of it if you can avoid it.
Finance daughter made appointment and canceled appointment
She said I'm assuming you don't have 20 dollars?
I said how do I have 20 dollars when I'm not being paid?
She came and said no more cookies, no more cereal, no more name brand food.
She took ggma to her house.
Get out of this situation and find a real and better job.
What are your goals today? In other words, what do you really need right now?
If it's that you must go to work to adequately provide for your own and your son's needs, it's up to the daughters to pay you that amount or tell you that you can earn it somewhere else.
Get out.
I am glad a SW is getting involved.
How do you have access to ggma's aacounts? My checking account shows a similar drop from 1/18 until today because most of my bills got paid on Friday 1/21. Don't most folk's checking balances fluctuate during the month?
She said you pay for your expenses and well figure out a salary for taking care of mom.
She said if i don't like it well move out and she'll see what options she has for mom.
I called the other daughter and told her what was happening so the police were called and the finance daughter was removed from the property.
I'll probably never get paid but I'm the fool who put myself in this position.
Don't go into this angry. A calm, adult discussion is called for here, you get more flies with honey than vinegar.
Collect your thoughts, write them down. Make a list of all the things you are doing (likely you've had 'one more thing' added on to your list of chores.)
Have a meeting with all people involved, maybe even gma if she can comprehend what is going on...and lay out your concerns and 'demands'. Give the family a timeline in which you will expect not just changes, but back pay and compensation.
AND--be prepapred for the sisters to kick you out. They don't sound like lovely, caring individuals at all--just takers, and as long as you don't self-advocate, nothing will get better.
I have 2 autistic nephews. Austism runs a huge spectrum--both my nephews are self reliant, work FT and live away from home. One drives, the other doesn't. We certainly don't look at them and think 'less than'. They have both had great advocates in their mom who expected them to rise above their 'disabilities'.
You do not mention your son's level of independence. If he is incapable of living alone, then he is probably qualitifying for SSDI. That at least gives him something to live on. Right now, his future is not stable at all.
You have had a LOT of good advice here. Note than NOBODY thinks you are in a good situation--are you listening to all the great advice? I hope so. I also hope you can work with the family. If you can't, know that you are not alone in that.
The verbal 'will' is not worth the paper it's not written on. My own mom has left so many people the exact same bedroom set it's kind of funny. She puts sticky notes with someone's name on it--some of her stuff has 4 or 5 notes. The only thing we will do is follow her legal trust and I don't see any problems. My YB who has cared for mom, unpaid, (as per their personal agreement) will be receiving all of the money that us sibs would inherit. It's so little it's almost a slap in the face. We cannot make him whole, cannot give him back his life.
I WISH he would take care of himself and hire out the help mom needs. A caring family wants what's best for everyone.
Best of luck with this.
The back pay won't happen with someone who agreed to work for zero. And it's not even a standard live-in arrangement, but one in which she moved in a second person who has long been a legal adult and who can't help out.
Cheyanne's best hope here is to tell them that she's so grateful, yadda yadda, but with the money as it is she has to go to work while son is at his daycare. She would love to dedicate it to the elder but there simply isn't enough money.
The daughters are counting on her labor for now. Could be that they sell the horse or horses (which is an extravagant expense) to pay her so she doesn't have to leave for now.
You might need to check the property to see if the lot/land can be divided, and if zoning will allow a mobile home.
The Grandmother may not have considered breaking up the deed to the land, thinking instead, the whole family will always get along, live there on the land, and "allow" your son to have a mobile home there. How nice? But nothing legal. Can the land and mobile home be put in a Special Needs Trust?
Separate from the main house?
The grandma didn't do this when she was able. What she did do was put the daughters in charge already. Financial Daughter has already made it clear that she and son only live there because she cares for grandma. Plus her son is a biological full grown adult now who may have already been involved in a safety issue with grandma.
1) You moved in with son because it gave two people a place to live plus food plus a promise of forever (for him).
2) However there is no manifestation of his name on the deed.
3) The daughters have ALREADY been put in charge, not you. One is on the deed and one controls the finances. That was with sweet "great-granma's" consent and by design.
4) The one daughter you keep talking about disliking only got involved in your words after your ex-grandma in law and your son got involved in a wreck. This points to potential and legit safety concerns on her part about how safe your situation is as it is.
5) Which leaves you trying to do everything perfect to not only not anger the daughters, but also probably to butter up your son in his great-grandma's eyes. If she truly has dementia then that's really exploitative.
Which won't work.
The biological daughters are already in charge of the financial situation, and that's because the saintly "second mother" wanted it that way when she could think properly. If she really cannot now, the ethical thing to do is to go to the daughter and tell her that your charge needs a neuro dx as that might expedite her into a place where there are teams of caregivers, not just you. If she is literally a "second mother" then you should support getting her care even if it doesn't involve you.
We didn't see any changes until after the wreck.
The daughter overseeing finances hadn't come around for 5-6 years before all this took place.
Mother and daughter where not speaking to each other for quite some time.
With that in mind, try to see yourself and your own needs (and future needs) as separate from your son. You might even be caregiving for your son, and have a whole lot on your plate.
An attorney may be able to help you work this out so that your entire life is not sacrificed to meet the needs of others, leaving you without.
Is he paying you support?
How about child support for under 18?
If your son is over 18, can he receive SSA support calculated upon his father's income for a disabled son?
Have you seen an attorney?
He does get SSI
No I haven't seen an attorney
Maureen
Cheyanne
Jan 19, 2022
I take care of my son's paternal great grandmother who has been like a second mother to me.
My son is autistic and the great grandparent's wanted him to always have a home to go to so they are leaving him 5 acres and a mobile home.
The daughter I think is mad because they are leaving my son everything and her 3 kids are receiving nothing.
We have helped the grandparents for many years unlike the daughter's children who barely know the way to her house.
The daughter does not have P.O.A
If the Financial Daughter and the Deed Daughter get together on deciding that grandma needs help that's not you, they can do it. You're hanging on in hopes that they don't do it. Meanwhile you said the ex-grandma-in-law has dementia already and AT MINIMUM the daughter with the deed would have to pass before your Benji could inherit anything. What exact standing do you think you have even for yourself, let alone the son living with you?
Maureen
What is happening to you is NOT legal.
If you can pack your bags and move out NOW. Tell the daughter that you will no longer be caring for Ms. XXXX as of 8:00 Am on Jan 22, 2022 and it is up to her to find care.
Now if you want to be real nice give a week notice. (I certainly would not give her 2 weeks notice and a good possibility that if you give any notice at all it will come back and bite you)
Report to APS that as of 8:00 AM on Jan 22, 2022 that Ms. XXX will be left on her own and she can no t care for herself.
You should at least be getting pain minimum wage. That is at the very least. A 24/7 Caregiver, and there is no such thing as you do have to have time off, no one can work 24/7/365, should be making at least $25.00 per hour. Anything past an 8 hour day you should also get overtime. Please check your States laws on Labor Law.
Room and Board do NOT count as pay.
Oh, yes you are being used. It is up to you to stop it if you no longer wish to be in this situation.
You are living like a pauper so your autistic son 'maybe' will inherit a trailer and a piece of property--but how will you pay for the upkeep on that? You have no money to speak of and you're going deeper in the hole each day.
That old 'joke's on you' when someone dangles the promise of an inheritance over your head and then at the time of their passing...it wasn't like that after all. You get nothing. Plus, now you're homeless.
Doesn't MATTER what people say--it's all about legality when the day is done. If you aren't getting paid NOW, what makes you think that attitude will suddenly end when gma passes? If this aunt does not have POA, she doesn't have the legal right to do ANYTHING for gma.
I would be either negotiating with whomever is in charge and letting them know they have 2 weeks to evaulate you being paid for gma's care. As long as you are quiet, they'll assume you're happy with the arrangements.
My YB has mom living with him and he does the CG she requires. Although ALL of us sibs have constantly offered help, he CHOOSES to do it all and plays the martyr. Not one of us would begrudge him a decent wage to care for mother, but he won't take anything. All us remaning sibs plan to give him our portion of mom's 'estate' if she ever dies, but that's only $36,000--and frankly, not worth even talking about. He's had her in his home for 23 years. The last 10 have been pretty rough.
I hear these stories and it's amazing to me the amount of abuse people will take from family for the 'care' of their elders. The families where this works are few and far between on this site--I'm aware of that. If things are going smoothly (and they do sometimes) then we don't hear about it.
I wish you all the luck in the world. AND I hope you start looking for a real job that pays well enough for you & son to live and be looking forward to a better life.
Your relatives will not find another pushover--so maybe they'll 'find' some money for a salary for you.
A month, by most gov't program standards, is 4.33 weeks. 24 hrs in a day x 7 = 168 hrs per week. Multiply that by 4.33 and you are, pretty much, on call or working about 727 hours per week. When you consider that most people work 40 hours a week - or 173 hours a month - you're available to this elderly person well over 500 more hours than the average worker. --- Put it on paper for the daughter: I'm available 24/7 or well over 700 hrs per month. Even if she considered a fair rent amount to be in the $1000 range, it means daughter is considering your hourly wage to be about $1.43.
If everyone in the family thought the 'work for rent' deal was such a bargain, I'm sure there would be others hopping at the chance for this job you have. Non-caretaker people like daughter have no idea what goes on in a day. Constant interruptions, day and night, and no ability to have any sort of life outside this duty. If you and elderly person had a different deal (that you were agreeable to) before, then it should be the same deal now. Otherwise, you might want to give notice as to your last day so daughter can hire someone or step in herself to assume the job.
Edit: Just read more comments about this situation (maybe found on another post somewhere???) -- Sounds like you jumped in on this deal with the hope of getting something later on. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Will is probably done and you're either in it or you're not. If you are trying to secure land and a trailer for your future, it's probably time to get a job that pays and hourly wage and get back into the workforce. After agreeing to an arrangement like this, you can't really complain now. Go earn a pay check before the elderly woman dies and you get nothing more than an eviction notice to leave the property.
Eventually for my aunt I hired three aids. They each work 2 or 3 days a week. I will not let them work more because of the toll it takes on them. Everything my aunt needs we provide. They are paid for every hour they work even sleeping hours. What does this mean? It means that the inheritance that would be split 3 ways while I do all the work is now spent on my aunt. So many times people are saving as much as they can on expenses for their family member because there is a payout in the end for them, whilst one person got very used. Unless a person has been a caregiver they do not know the toll it takes. I think it may be worth it to directly say to your boss, I need a job I get paid for. The daughter might panic about losing you, and offer you more. I also feel quite strongly that you could find a live-in caregiving job where you could make a sizeable salary, in addition to the live in arrangements. You are not really “living” while living-in, you are existing. I am not sure of your arrangement but you are very special if you can lovingly do the work put in front of you. How people feel that you should work for free baffles my mind. Know your worth, the work you provide is priceless.
I haven't read the other comments yet, but you need to find something else, for someone else. There are many people who would love to have you who would pay well--and give you a LOT less work to do.
in look rather bleak to me.
Good Luck
By then the great grandmother already had signs of dementia.