My mother has now been diagnosed with Dementia/Delirium she has told anyone who will listen to her that I have emptied her bank account in which I haven’t even touched a penny. This has caused all sorts of problems with social workers etc having me running about getting bank statements etc. She has been in hospital for 6 weeks now and is having to go into a home. I am not going to see her anymore. I am her power of attorney and will do what I have to to make sure she is being cared for: organising a suitable home, pay bills, get her what she needs, etc. My son went to see her tonight and she started on about the money again. So why do I feel sad and hurt at making the decision to stay away from her as I don’t want or need the abuse? I work full time and am finding it hard to concentrate. I’m heartbroken and angry and full of resentment. Is this normal?
"my mum is a lot of work and had never been there for me"
Taylor wrote the above in past posts, so she's never had a good relationship with her mother. It's not just the dementia.
Mother is going from hospital into Residential Care, a new situation for her, right?
As she cannot 'see' her situation with clarity, blaming others for forcing this upon her can happen. The first in the firing line is usually family. The closest (or previously closest) relative will take the biggest blast.
I see it as a survival thing. She is fighting for her 'independance', sadly not knowing the Dementia already took that.
Other that have been through this awful time said *time heals*. Well somewhat. Let her settle in. Cool down. Give yourself time to adjust too. Drop things off. But stay out of sight. Speak to the staff via phone. Wait until you hear things are different, then test things with a very short visit.
It may take weeks, or even months until Mother adjusts to her new surrounds. Be kind to yourself through this time. You ARE still caring for her, even while in the background.
(((Hugs to you))).
If you want to try again, here are two suggestions:
1) Don’t listen when you see her, which is easier when wearing ear plugs – trust me on that. Just smile and chat.
2) Make a little card, and laminate it, saying ‘My mother has dementia. She wrongly believes I have taken her money’. Bring it out when appropriate. Many people use a little card for bad behavior while out shopping, and this is your own equivalent. The formality of a stiff little card shows that you have been having to deal with it seriously.
Best wishes, Margaret
Family isn't for everyone and in your case, you aren't wrong to walk away.
Please make an effort to hear everything she says through the filter of dementia. The things she's saying hre not true and you know it, so if it continues to rile you up, then that's more on you than on her. You abandoning her might be as out of character as what she's saying to you, so imagine what she'd think if you just disappeared?
The one thing about dementia is that things like this don't last too long before there's a decline into another phase, and the money thing will go away. I suggest you get yourself into a support group in your area, because it'll really help you understand what's going on and you'll learn ways to cope. Abandoning her isn't coping -- it's running away.
If you are walking away due to a lifetime of abuse and this heaped on TOP of it, then no, you aren't wrong to do so.
It's normal to feel horrible about our mother's being struck down with dementia, and all the horrible things coming out of their mouths as a result. I went thru it myself but I remained committed to making sure my mother was well cared for in her Memory Care ALF, and I visited her weekly, etc. She couldn't help being afflicted with dementia, and it was a terrible thing to witness AND for her to go thru. It's a lose-lose situation for all concerned when dementia is in the house.
I think a lot depends on your previous relationship with mom.
If you've generally had a loving and happy relationship with your mom, it's easier to shrug off the "broken brain" stuff and get her investigated for a UTI.
If mom is a long term abuser, it's much harder to keep on helping.
I will tell you that as good a relationship as I had with mom, EVERY Single "hurt" I'd experienced as a kid popped up whenever she was irrational.
"You're making a mountain out of a molehill" was something I heard frequently as a kid. So when mom became anxious about every single thing, I had very little sympathy.
Cut yourself some slack.