My elderly mother is a widow and has always been very critical of me but I am at my wits end. Last year she had knee replacement and I stayed for a solid two weeks 24/7. She kept telling me how bad I snore - I was worn out! She bragged that she was easy to take care of!! Since I'm an only child, I have zero help. She has a history of this behavior. She was cruel to my grandmother and stepdad and has no friends. Now that they're gone, it's me. She recently told me she doesn't like my hair, I need to wear heels to not look so short and makes fun of me for liking a certain restaurant and occasionally returning things that don't fit! Need I say more? Other than not talking to her, how should I navigate her rudeness?
She appears to be capable of hiring and firing her own help. Let her.
The constant criticism is a form of abuse, and a caregiver should never take care of someone who is abusive. Sharing DNA is not a reason to be abused! Plus this will only get worse as time goes on.
I'm really sorry for your situation, but only you can fix it, and the best way to do that is to refuse to be her caregiver. She'll get mad, but so what? Being controlled by mom's anger is not what adults do. Growing up means setting boundaries, and the best boundary ever is, "Buh-bye, mom."
Get mother into managed care or have her pay others to care for her. You've done enough. Being her whipping post is not part of the job description, especially for no pay.
Good luck looking after YOURSELF now.
I made it clear for years I would never "live in" ordo "hands on" care for mother. I had POA which meant I had to see that her needs were met - not all her wants, and I didn't have to do it all. myself. That meant as she got older she hired some help and eventually moved into assisted living and then a NH. All of that was difficult and stressful enough for me. I kept visits very short and not frequent, and took someone with me as much as I could, cut phone calls short or let them go to voice mail, - whatever I had to do to protect myself as she was verbally and emotionally abusive,
Number 1 - look after yourself. Your needs are just as important as hers and more so at times. If it doesn't work for the caregiver, it doesn't work.
“ Mom, I am unable to provide the level of care you need “ . Then she either hires help or goes to a nursing home or assisted living .
What is more important is what you owe to yourself. She should have protected you, not caused you pain, so now you must stand up for yourself. Don't allow her to use her age as a way to manipulate you, and don't listen to outside people who try to tell you you can't just abandon your mother. You can, in fact, cut out anyone who is abusing you, and you should. Don't let people guilt you into anything. They have no idea what she is really like, or they wouldn't tell you to put up with it. And there may be no convincing them, so I would again, only respond one time saying that taking care of an abusive mother is not something you are willing to do, and the discussion should end there, or else you are leaving the area, hanging up the phone, etc.
Put up those boundaries and do the job your mom should have done in your childhood, which is raise someone who won't be torn down by an abusive person. I'm sorry she's like that, but guess what? You are not alone. Definitely find some good counseling to help you so you don't end up leaving her and jumping into the same pattern with another person. It's really hard to see this from the inside, and it's hard to evaluate potential friends and partners and associates, because you have these patterns instilled in you that don't allow you to protect yourself. These people may look different and use different words and situations but they'll basically be doing the same thing. Your first abuser grooms you for every other abuser.
She doesn't like your hair? You don't like her personality, and maybe it's time to tell her that.
In fact, take every ounce of effort you were putting into her and use it on yourself. Get checkups for everything, get it all looked at. You matter, and don't forget that.
I would find alternatives for where to place your mother, Do not bring her into your home that's for sure.
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