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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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My mother has Vascular Dementia and I am her caregiver. She asks the same questions everyday and cry’s a lot. I know she can’t help it but it just makes me so Angry and I’m so tired of it. What can I do to calm myself?
Mom Is showing common dementia behaviors. Have you spoken to her doctor if any meds could help her? Can she be sent to adult daycare to give you a break? Speak to your PCP. You need help for yourself
yes she is on the correct medications. And I am on medication for anxiety and such but I find myself some days getting g so angry. I’m thinking of going to therapy myself. There is no adult daycares around the area where I live.
If she's still crying a lot after being on "correct" medications then I beg to differ that those meds are appropriate. Please take her back to her primary or whomever prescribed them in the first place and tell that doc it isn't working. My Mom was crying in the mornings. She's on Lexapro and it's working well for her. What is your Mom on?
Your anger may mean you are burning out. In this case I don't think therapy is what you need: I think you need a long break. What options have you explored for alternative care for your Mom that doesn't involve you being her daily caregiver?
Beverly, 40% of caregivers taking care of someone with dementia will die before their loved one does from stress related issues. It sounds like that could be you. Please don't let it be. It's time to get your mom placed in memory care using her money or Medicaid, so you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate and not her overwhelmed, angry and burned out caregiver.
I am not a Caregiver. I am a person who likes order. I can't do chaos. Dementia was just too unpredictable for me. You never know what they will do or say. TG my daughter is an RN and lives up the street. The couple of times my Mom had paranoia, my daughter came down to calm her.
I placed my Mom in an AL. She had some money for a year. She acclimented very well. I could go back to being her daughter. Even when she had to transfer to LTC she acclimented well.
She does qualify for Medicaid if her income is not enough to cover her monthly bill in a memory care facility. If she has any assets still in her name they will have to be sold and the proceeds spent down on her care until those assets are gone. Then Medicaid along with her monthly income is what will pay for memory care.
I have no advice but I feel your pain. My mom was diagnosed with a combination of Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia and she lives with me. Most of the time she is crying or angry. We are trying different medications but there really is no miracle drug. Because she is mobile and can dress herself I am having a very difficult time getting her placed in a facility so I feel stuck. Just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings.
We are human beings. We WILL become frustrated. Handling our frustration in situations that are harmful to us is something we often need professional help with. But I think step one is understanding that this is a NORMAL HUMAN REACTION when we are in a state of overwhelm. And sometimes it vents enough to let the steam escape. And sometimes it is a matter of saying "Sorry I yelled, Mom. I am just tired"; then moving on. And sometimes professional help is needed to work through your current choices, and decide whether it is time to change them. ONLY you can decide for yourself where you "are at".
Therapy for yourself is important. Until you are able to get her into memory care try to find a person or people that will come over so that you can take breaks. When someone is taking care of your loved one (whether an institution or an individual) check up on them—surprise visits or a home camera, etc. Unfortunately many people have found that their loved one was being mistreated. This means that you take care of yourself not only for your own sanity but so that Mom will always have someone looking after her who really cares.
To calm yourself educate yourself about the disease. Many helpful videos on YouTube. Take mental health breaks. There are usually several people willing to give you a break for a fee. $100 for an afternoon or evening off is worth every penny. Check out care.com senior care. I hope you can lower your stress and find the pleasure in helping your mom.
For most of us, there is no "pleasure" in caring for an angry and depressed elder with dementia. To suggest the OP should be getting pleasure from doing such a job is mean spirited. "Educating" herself on the horrors of dementia won't help her during the blow outs, or the rants about going home, or the accusations of theft, or the packing up of her belongings or or OR. Neither will counseling because mother will still BE there in the morning when she wakes up. Neither will a "mental health break" because her mental health is already at the breaking point. What WILL help her is getting mother OUT of her house and into managed care where she belongs. THAT will calm her down nicely.
I know how you feel. It is so frustrating and just stupid but walking out is not an option and if my husband were himself, he would have never imposed such a burden on me. I try to find some time and place to be still. I listen to peaceful music which calms him too. Stillness is where I seem to be able find solutions to problems. But most of the time, I'm fighting a lot of anger. This really tests the soul. I feel so trapped. I have to let go of any expectations and allow the timeless inner space within unfold. Maybe this is the challenge of my life. Peace to us.
It is outrageous to suggest that understanding the disease will not help. It is outrageous to say that you cannot enjoy caring for a parent that you love! The burn out is real, but there are things to help. Please do not listen to the negative nonsense on this site. It is always better to stay optimistic, and work on one issue at a time. Trying to find some outside help, and relieve your stress will help you so much. If you need money for that, look into a reverse mortgage, or a loan. Your Mother will not live forever, and you will regret not doing your best for her. If you truly cannot handle anymore, then at least try to find a loving place for her, and visit often. Best of luck to you! 🍀
"…you will regret not doing your best for her." Really?
Tiger8, our best on one day is not the same as our best on another day. No one but me gets to decide what my best is because only I know that. I don't and never will have any regrets about my caregiving of any of my 4 family members because I know that I've done my best every single moment.
Four family members, one currently my husband. That's 11.5 years of my life. How about you?
Oh, Beverly, I struggle with this as well! I have found it helpful to walk away - go outside, sit on the patio, take a walk, go have coffee at a neighbor's house. Take that time away to regain your positive energy, remind yourself how frustrating this must be for her, and that she can't help it. She has lost control of her reasonable functioning. I have been doing this for 10 years now for my husband. I used to find it helpful to google whatever behavior he was exhibiting, or whatever was causing me stress, and reading expert advice about the condition itself, common behaviors, and ways to re-direct the dementia patient to minimize the stressful behaviors. Doing that would give me a fresh perspective, a little more understanding and patience, which helped me to remain calm while dealing with him.
You might need more breaks - consider hiring someone to come in and relieve you so you can just get away from the frustration and isolation. It's a little easier when you're not there for her 24 hours a day.
I gotta admit, I am human, I am not super-human, and it is hard to keep my emotions and patience in check all the time. I break down in angry outbursts, or crying out of frustration. Hopefully your loved one with dementia still understands that you have human emotions and human reactions and you have a breaking point. But still, it is best to try and walk away before you lose your cool. As with every relationship.
I had same problem but with my husband. I worked through my anger and accepted the fact that it is what it is. Know your anger doesn’t help you. Make plans to do something for yourself that you can look forward to and make arrangements for someone to watch your mom so you can have a breather.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Speak to your PCP. You need help for yourself
She needs to be in memory care.
Your anger may mean you are burning out. In this case I don't think therapy is what you need: I think you need a long break. What options have you explored for alternative care for your Mom that doesn't involve you being her daily caregiver?
Please don't let it be. It's time to get your mom placed in memory care using her money or Medicaid, so you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate and not her overwhelmed, angry and burned out caregiver.
I placed my Mom in an AL. She had some money for a year. She acclimented very well. I could go back to being her daughter. Even when she had to transfer to LTC she acclimented well.
I would love to just take a break but unfortunately there is no one o can leave her with to watch her and no adult day cares near by.
I just don’t know what to do. I hate being angry sometimes because I know she can’t help it. Any advice on anything I can do?
She does qualify for Medicaid if her income is not enough to cover her monthly bill in a memory care facility. If she has any assets still in her name they will have to be sold and the proceeds spent down on her care until those assets are gone. Then Medicaid along with her monthly income is what will pay for memory care.
So, yes you can put her in memory care.
I wish you the best.
Please do not listen to the negative nonsense on this site. It is always better to stay optimistic, and work on one issue at a time. Trying to find some outside help, and relieve your stress will help you so much. If you need money for that, look into a reverse mortgage, or a loan. Your Mother will not live forever, and you will regret not doing your best for her. If you truly cannot handle anymore, then at least try to find a loving place for her, and visit often. Best of luck to you! 🍀
Tiger8, our best on one day is not the same as our best on another day. No one but me gets to decide what my best is because only I know that. I don't and never will have any regrets about my caregiving of any of my 4 family members because I know that I've done my best every single moment.
Four family members, one currently my husband. That's 11.5 years of my life. How about you?
I have found it helpful to walk away - go outside, sit on the patio, take a walk, go have coffee at a neighbor's house.
Take that time away to regain your positive energy, remind yourself how frustrating this must be for her, and that she can't help it. She has lost control of her reasonable functioning. I have been doing this for 10 years now for my husband. I used to find it helpful to google whatever behavior he was exhibiting, or whatever was causing me stress, and reading expert advice about the condition itself, common behaviors, and ways to re-direct the dementia patient to minimize the stressful behaviors.
Doing that would give me a fresh perspective, a little more understanding and patience, which helped me to remain calm while dealing with him.
You might need more breaks - consider hiring someone to come in and relieve you so you can just get away from the frustration and isolation. It's a little easier when you're not there for her 24 hours a day.
I gotta admit, I am human, I am not super-human, and it is hard to keep my emotions and patience in check all the time. I break down in angry outbursts, or crying out of frustration. Hopefully your loved one with dementia still understands that you have human emotions and human reactions and you have a breaking point. But still, it is best to try and walk away before you lose your cool. As with every relationship.