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I (61M) have been a caregiver for my wife (60) with Multiple Sclerosis for over 25 years, we have been married for over 33 years and I have been retired for the last 9 of those years. She's been a quadriplegic for about the last 7 years. I recently had to put her into a long term care facility due to my health issues, I have 2 hernias and also need major abdominal surgery for a colon issue. The thing that bothers me most about placing her in LTC is that she is all there mentally. We both know we've hit the end of the road as far as me being able to care for her anymore and it hurts tremendously. It's only been 2 months and the pain of the whole situation is unbearable. How do you cope with the loneliness of being separated from your spouse especially when I won't be able to visit her for months while I recover from surgery. My son still lives with me but he works and goes out, we both told him he needs to live his life. He has done so much for his mom over the last 20 years, more than any child should ever have to deal with. Anyway the loneliness of being forced to be separated is tearing me up and I'm having a hard time coping, I do see a therapist but it only helps so much. My wife has already told me a couple times that she want me to eventually try and find myself a companion, I don't know how I feel about that. She hates seeing me so lonely especially because of how much I've done for her all these years, I would do it all over again for her if I had to, there was never any thought of walking away from the situation, how could I she has always been such a sweetheart. I really don't know how I am going to get used to this whole miserable situation. I don't miss the caregiving, I just miss my wife so much.

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I would put away the conversation of finding a companion. That will also remove some of the guilt you feel from having to place her. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist, but you might get screened for depression. You can meet some friends through a church, senior center or club. Good friends rather than another wife are going to be very important in the years to come.
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Reply to JustAnon
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The last thing you need to be doing now is finding yourself a "companion"(unless it's male companionship of course)as your wife deserves so much better than that.
Of course once she's dead then by all means do what you feel you need to do.
If you're so lonely and missing her so much why aren't you spending as much time as possible with her at the facility?
When I volunteered for hospice years ago, one of the ladies that I visited had a roommate whose husband came daily early in the morning and didn't leave until late in the afternoon around supper time so he could spend as much time as possible with her.
And why is it going to take you "months" before you can see her again after your surgery? You can have friends/neighbors/your son drive you to see her if you're not able to drive for a while.
10 days after I had a total hip replacement( the posterior one) my husband ended up in the hospital for a week, and because he couldn't speak much because of a stroke he'd had years previous, I had to make sure that I was there as much as possible to make sure that he was being taken care of properly. And because I couldn't drive for a while yet, I had to have my friends and neighbors bring me to the hospital and pick me back up when my visit was finished. I was walking very slowly like a turtle with my walker, but I had no choice but to be there to make sure my husband was receiving the care he needed. So moral of the story is that it can be done, and where there is a will there is a way.
And you can always facetime with your wife too when you get to missing her bad and you can't be there. If she's not able to manage that a nurse or CNA can help her with that.
We don't ever get used to the sometimes "miserable" situations we end up in, but hopefully the majority of us make the very best out of them, and continue to move forward.
That is my prayer for you.

On a side note...after my husband died 5 1/2 years ago now, the best thing I did for myself to help with the loneliness was to start volunteering at the different charities that mean a lot to me. So other than visiting your wife a lot, I highly recommend doing some volunteer work as this life is not about us but is about others and what we can do for them.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Why won't you be able to visit for months after your surgery? Getting up and mobile will be part of your recuperation. Can you find a place that has both rehab and LTC so that you can be near each other?
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Reply to MG8522
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Jim1964 May 24, 2026
It probably won't be months, I think I'm just overthinking my surgery because I'm kind of nervous about it. I've been there every day since she went in except this past week because I wound up back in the hospital for 4 days because of the condition I'm having surgery for.
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Sorry you’re facing health challenges and certainly wish you well with your surgery and recovery. You’ve done a great job looking out for your wife, she’s truly blessed to have you. During your hospitalization and recovery you can visit your wife with video calls, the NH staff can help facilitate this for your wife I’d needed. No need to miss seeing her. When you’re better, you’ll be back to visiting in person. I’d also encourage you to develop interests, hobbies, and friends outside of your visits with your wife. It’s part of a healthy relationship to have your own interests and it’ll give you more basis for conversation. My dad was a great advocate and cheerleader for my mom during her NH years, he visited daily without fail. He got to know the whole staff and many of the families. He showed us, his children and grandchildren, the true meaning of the marriage vows he truly lived out. He also saw friends, did woodwork projects, volunteered several places, and was active in his church. Balancing it all was vital to his well being, it will be for you as well. I wish you well in this new chapter
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Jim1964 May 24, 2026
Thank you for the kind words. We knew communication was going to be an issue due to her being a quadriplegic and also having on and off speech issues. We're close to having the communication issues resolved, it's been a work in progress these last 2 months. Staff at the facility have been very helpful thankfully
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I'm sorry you and your wife have to go through the health issues you have. Yours are hopefully temporary until you recover from your surgery. I agree with Daughterof1930's suggestion of FaceTiming. Maybe do some volunteer work or take up a hobby to take your mind off of the stress and aloneness for now. Kudos to you for staying by her side -- you are blessing your family with an outstanding example of love and marriage. May your both receive improved health and peace in your hearts not matter what.
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Reply to Geaton777
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There are many caregivers groups; my husband's memory care facility has one that meets every two weeks at the facility. My retirement village has several, and a nearby church also has them. The purpose is to share thoughts about coping with a spouse or partner's illness. If you'd go with the idea of learning and socializing, you'd meet lots of people in your situation.

I'm not saying to find a companion there, but you would meet many men and women who are lonely and looking for people who are in the same situation. Even going out to lunch or coffee with three or four others would alleviate your loneliness and perhaps lead to something deeper later on when you're both ready. Give it some thought.

There are many shades of Alone. Find the one that offers comfort for you, and it doesn't have to be intimacy. Friendship works too.
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Reply to Fawnby
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